Thursday, October 19

[lushy]

Thursday, October 19

Here we go again. I leave for a couple of hours and Fan is now hitting on someone new. Hmpphh!!! Dilayne, my dear, you are a knockout. Why did I think you were in your later 60's? I have always envisioned somewhat more "mature looking." Great picture. Allie, would LOVE to hear from you today but I gotta go right now to volunteer at my daughter's school (ick!!!) and then off to soccer practice. I am around all weekend if you are, or otherwise we can aim for next week. Would love to chat. Maybe I will see some of you in chat this evening! XO

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

Mike, (thanks)...I understand. I almost separated with my husband this summer with the acceptance that I might have to leave love to a higher order for good. My lesson right now is how to be separate while remaining together...just so that I can stand 'it'...there's always 'grace' Mike..so I hope you can stay open for that :0)
d

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

Hi Lush..I'm just an old soul..I'm actually 48..but I have three grown children, 30, 28 and 21 and four grandchildren 10, 6, 4 and 2 (I was laughing at all the grammy jokes yesterday..if you only knew!!!!)..I started VERY young!!!

[Allie]

Thursday, October 19

Dilayne!
Just got back on the computer after a few hours, so I just got to see it! Fan is right... you are gorgeous! We have quite a "lot" here, huh?? LOL

Fan, thank you so much for the kind words. My husband has expressed in the past how very much he has felt inadequate and that nothing he did was "quite" good enough no matter how hard he tried. I think I was to blame in some respects for his feeling that way, as I took many things for granted and didnt say "thank you" enough or show him the respect he deserved. Somewhere along the way we both began taking each other for granted and it was easy to let those walls build up when he was gone so much of the time. I also have two older children from my first marriage at 17 -- I know, big mistake. (the marriage, not the kids- love my kiddie-poos) So when my husband and I met, I already had two kids ages 6 and 4, so having no children of his own, he got an "instant" family. I think it was a very tough adjustment for him and that in itself caused a lot of struggles that a "Normal' marriage doesnt have. I dont think we realized how much we really loved each other and did want to stay together and fight for our marriage until we almost lost it. He came very close to an affair and I found out. It was devastating, but I gave him the out if he wanted it, but he said he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. I didnt realize until then just how far apart we had grown. Things are a gazillion times better now and we are both so much more aware of the other's feelings, hurts, etc and we make a big point to stay connected through lots of ways even when he is gone. Almost to the point of being obnoxious!! lOL. But I credit the changes I have been able to make with this program to so much of what has enabled me to be a better person, wife, mother, etc. I dont think women realize how men can still feel inadaqute if they are financially successful, etc. But you remind me of my husband a bit too... always paying the tab at the table when we eat out with others, very generous etc., and I am more the "budgeter". But those are minor things in the scheme of the big picture, right?

Oh Dilayne, the Topa makes me lack energy too... I have decided to try to wean off completely because I LOVE having energy. I have been able to do really good without it enough that I think I can do it. I have been doing this program for almost nine months now... I think I need to start weaning from it and begin to pour myself into new things. Willpower. Ouch.

Allie

[Quiescent]

Thursday, October 19

Dilayne.....beautiful, just beautiful!

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

*blushing*...thank you!

Allie, Wow, 9 months..that's good time. I need to think more in terms of longer term with this especially given the deep pschological work that I'm doing..thanks for your inspiration!!! All of you!

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

Oh Allie...my only granddaughter's name is Allie...we spell it Ali though! Love that name!

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

Allie, my husband married me and three kids too...our stories sound very similar in some ways.

[eustacia]

Thursday, October 19

Allie and Mike--

I've been thinking about whether my marriage would have been different had I not fallen in step with my husband's belief that only the weak are much more than robotic in their feelings. It's been more than 20 years since I "agreed" to accompany him to this city. When I met him, he was a big city newspaper editor who haddeveloped an interest in constitutional law that led him to decide to go to law school. I should note that he neither was, nor is, a Svengali, and I was in my twenties at the time that I decided to spend my life with him--certainly, no kid. Soon, however, I was the victim of two violent crimes. Even saying that I was a victim feels foreign to me. Aside from these two incidents, I've always felt physically safe in this world. Both times that I was attacked, my husband was too busy to comfort me. Maybe he felt bad that he had just dropped me off on the street late at night without bothering to see that I got into a building without being followed, and the result of this oversight was impossible to integrate with his sense of being a good person, and so he minimized what happened. I don't know. What I do know is that despite the fact that he has become more attuned where my safety is concerned, I still can't trust him to fully notice me. I drink to cover up the feeling of distance between us and I drink because I am so shy, temperamentally, that alcohol helps me brave the rapids of interractions with others. I feel like I am erasing my life. I'm trying to learn that it is ok for me to be part of this world, if only for a moment. I'm not quite as crazy as my avatar of yesterday but it's still hard for me to believe that I have a right to be here, that I'm fully worth the ground I stand on, or even that I should be putting this out there in this thread because it is taking up your time to read it. I know that I must believe that it is ok to be this shy, to be "different" in order to treat myself better--i.e., not to drink so much. But the opposite demand is also at the foreground; that is, I must stop drinking so much in order to feel that I have much worth. What a conudrum it sometimes seems!

E

[dilayne]

Thursday, October 19

Eustacia,
I believe you articulated what many many people experience on a daily basis, but aren't actually conscious of it!

[eustacia]

Thursday, October 19

Forget the mawkish thing I just wrote. Now, Muffins and Muffinettes, I am really mad!

My husband knows that I LOVE the music of Patti Smith. For you young ones, she's a punk rocker who doesn't perform much anymore. I am furious with him because he went to a small gathering where he knew she was likely to sing a few songs and "must have forgotten" to invite me. Then he said "oh, I thought that you would still be working."

Is he checked out or what?

I'm REALLY feeling the urge to check out with some wine but I've been telling myself to take it easy. . .

E

[lushy]

Thursday, October 19

OMG. I would strangle him E. At least my hubby was nice enough to inform me that Bruce Hornsby, who I love, would be visiting at the TV station he worked yesterday but I could not get down there. That was very insensitive of your man to not tell you. You can tell him I said so.

Dilayne, I cannot believe you have grandchildren!!!! Unbelievable.

Until morning muffs............XOXO

[eustacia]

Thursday, October 19

Thanks DiLayne who I CANNOT believe is a grandmother , Lush and Mike for your kind words.

Yep, conundrum. That's the right word for much about this drinking life.

E

[eustacia]

Thursday, October 19

Mike--

"I think it was Monday . . .
She came in through the record (or something like that)
Her name was Mar-ree-anne"

THOSE Bodeans?

E

[Saint Jude]

Thursday, October 19

E, he should be tar & feathered... no phones where he was...

I would have to shoot my Hubby for that one!



Dilayne, you're so pretty! great picture !

Ok, There's one of me & my 98 yr old Grandma on mine now... not a very close up one ... But Damn... I hope I look that good at 98!!
She's the "cradle robber" who divorced my Grandpa, & got re-married... after 54 years of marriage!! :h To a younger man of course!! She was a newlywed in her 70's!