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[Owly]

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Oh wow thanks for that MM, means a lot to me that you are thinking of me and giving me this info

I have had depression in the past but I must say I don't feel like I did then - the meds I take for anxiety - prozac and occasional diazepam would also help any lingering depression. I'm going to google that co-morbidity with depression thing, sounds interesting...

I'm going to the doctor this week whether they register me or not, I've had enough waiting! I think you're right about the underlying problem, but at the same time I can't ignore that I've spent half my life regularly abusing alcohol.

[Owly]

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Well that's a lot of info I just got through there...

Not trusting psychiatry in this country I'll attempt a self-diagnosis - looks like some kind of bi-polar, novelty and danger seeking disorder - this is made worse by the prozac, which in turn cures the anxiety. Aaaargh!!

[Mighty Mouse II]

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Dear Owly, I hope I didn't scare you or overwhelm you, but knowledge is power. If you understand what is happening to you and why, you will be empowered to help yourself get better. I don't know about the self-treatment thing -- traditionally, it doesn't work, especially in this area because of the lack of objectivity -- we can't be objective about ourselves if we are emotional -- and isn't that part of the problem? If you don't trust the doctors in your country - try some of the US online doctors. They may be able to steer you in the right direction.

And yes, I care very deeply. I wish you the best. Keep us informed.

MM

[fsophiah]

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From what I've seen on these boards, people in the UK have had a hard time with psychiatrists. This has not been my experience here in the US at all. You know, it sounds as though you have the financial resources to afford a rehab experience that would actually be helpful. And, of course, you need some new friends. When I said that being terrified was a sign, what I meant was that some of us have to get "scared straight." You are at a moment when you have more important things to think about than the delivery of a pool table. Start exploring some options that including changing your life and getting help in some very major ways. This is your ultimate learning moment. By the way, Tristan is one of my favorite names.

[Owly]

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Thanks MM. You're right of course, but no doctor or psychiatrist has ever been able to diagnose me - it doesn't help that I never stay in the same place for more than a few months.

Knowledge is power, sure thing - I had no idea that there was an actual medical name for my reckless behaviour - it makes it seem like more of an illness than something I should be guilty about or maybe it's just part of being human....

I'm going to the pub now for a few lemonades - yes I am certain I will stick to lemonade, as you will see later - because I'm getting really paranoid about what might have happened over the weekend.

Edit: And thanks for your advice too fsophiah What I've noticed though is that in the US Tristan tends to be a girl's name! As for the life-changing, that will need long hard thought - I already took a step last week with the gym.

[Owly]

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Oh dear here we go again, I feel great

I did stick to lemonade but got bored and came home, looks like nothing too bad happened.

[betty boop]

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Keep your chin up

Hi owly,

Hang on in there you're doing great............

Lots of love & hugs, Paula :l :h :l

[Olly]

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Owly,

If you don't mind me asking, what is "nothing too bad"...?
Olly

[Owly]

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I wasn't barred and all the landlady asked was jokingly if I'd sobered up yet. I had feared that someone I was talking to had done something to someone who owed me money in a misguided attempt at 'doing me a favour'.

[Olly]

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Whew... good to know nothing bad happened. Be careful Owly, I worry for you. Obviously you've been given another chance from the universe to stay out of harms' way... I hope you heed the message. Are you willing to set up an AF goal?? Olly

[Owly]

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Well I have to really, otherwise I can't do the gym course. But then I have the same problem as everyone else here - the holiday season, my coach will be off till new year. I doubt there will be anywhere open over christmas so that will be AF.

[Olly]

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Hey again,

So, what are you going to do while your coach is away? Do you have a specific gym plan from now til then?
Do you have any AF goals outside of the gym routine?

I know the holiday season is a tough one. I'm trying to collect my resolve now before it gets here.. I get to spend mine with a family of wine makers... oh boy. I'm aiming for 30 days AF. I'm on Day 21... which means I'll have to get through Christmas dinner if I am to reach my goal. I've never been great at sticking with a goal... but I am feeling so good these days that I don't want to take the chance that I'll wake up feeling awful, sick and back to square one.

Have you tried the Hyno CD's anymore?

Anyway, just want to wish you the best of luck. It takes work... sometimes it is hard work... but, it's worth it.

take care, Olly

[Owly]

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Hey that's great that you've got to 21 days already I'm usually fairly good at sticking to a goal, which is why I rarely make them because they are something special so I'm biding my time before a firm decision. The usual gym sessions in new year will be 3 two hour sessions. Got one tomorrow but still feel a bit rough, hope he goes easy on me!

I haven't tried the CD again, I just found it incredibly annoying - I don't think I have the right sort of mind to get hypnotised, but it can't have done any harm at least.

Best of luck mate

[Owly]

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Jesus.... so I got an early night as I have training in the morning, the guy I mentioned earlier came round at 3.00am with someone I had never met. I had to let him in, he's a dangerous person, what could I do? So they sat here for a while smoking crack, were obviously pretty drunk, trying to get me to do some. I was just harrowed in bed, of course I point blank refused and for a sober person with anxiety, dealt with the situation fairly well. But he knows where I live I was certain he'd forgotten. Of course he wanted to borrow some money to 'pay back tomorrow', I'm not holding my breath, but he said he was coming round again tomorrow at seven. He is, or at least used to be, one of the most dangerous people in the country and he asked me frankly why I had made friends with him, then did a fairly good psychoanalysis which boiled down to self-destructive behaviour which he said came from a feeling that I didn't deserve good things, but I don't think I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway I feel I'm really screwed now, it's all my fault, I've been asking for this for some time it seems, subconsciously at least. He at least admitted that we were not good for each other in terms of behaviour but whereas I stopped on sunday he has carried on, or maybe he just always does it... Trouble is I do like him, I want to help him, but at the end of the day he is older and wiser than me and I really can't see what it is he wants from me (well, I'm good for some money obviously). I said I would be glad to speak to him tomorrow if he was sober, but if he's not? There's not much I can do about it.

I sure hope coach has some good advice.

[Olly]

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Boring or not, maybe it is time you take a month and go stay with your folks where you said you were able to remain AF relatively easily... and give this crack-smoking guy a chance to find someone else to latch onto!! Watch your back Owly. You're treading in dangerous waters. Maybe you need to stop "biding your time" and do something! Really, DO something now. Did you find any motivation in the morbid-alcoholism site?? I'm sorry, I am really worried for you. You just don't seem to want to really make a change... you seem somehow "content" to be where you are? Are you trying to go AF? I guess I'm not clear on what it is exactly you want.

Congrats on getting to bed early last night with clear intentions to get to the gym!! Hope your feeling goooood right now after the exercise.

take care, Olly