ey everyone happy Thursday

[lushy]

ey everyone happy Thursday

PP, boy that is a big question for a lot of us I think. I wish I had answers but I don't. I just want you to know we are here if you need to vent or rant or think out loud. I find wine is the answer to all of my emotions, both good and bad. I used to do it for "fun" reasons, then it turned into drinking to calm the worry that is constantly in my head, then I used it to numb the pain of hurts that have happened to me in the last few years.

Have you been to or considered therapy? It can be very helpful to some people. Cutting back and/or quitting alcohol brings out a new person in each of us and that can be downright frightening at times. Once you realize what you were numbing yourself from those issues need to be addressed. I understand. PM if you ever need to. :l

[Lucy Van Pelt]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Hi All

Rainy, rainy day here. I worked this morning, and now have some time to just sit and reflect.

Allie- I was trying to catch your attention yesterday during chat...but alas...couldn't catch you. I wanted to tell you my confession...maybe you can share this with your daughter. When I was about her age, I too, managed to cause damage to another parked car. It was also near christmas time. I remember, because I was just leaving a department store after buying a last minute gift for my boyfriend at the time. I was driving my older sister's car (she was home from college for the holiday). I was in New York. While shopping, it started to snow. While driving out of the parking lot, I skidded in the snow, and hit a parked car. I did LOTS of damage to my sisters right front, and some damage to the parked car. Here's the thing. I DIDN"T LEAVE A NOTE. Worse, I told my sister that I hit a parked van, on it's bumper, so there was no damage to the van, only her car!!! I LIED!! She believed me, and was not mad (probably also knew mom and dad would pay for the damage). My parents believed me, and were not mad. I got away with it. 30 years later I STILL FEEL GUILTY!!!

Your daughter TOLD YOU. A year from now, she will be well over the humiliation she feels because of the shit head boys giving her grief....will probably just have some left over anger for their stupidity. She will be over her humiliation over harming another car...and will probably remember it with some humor. She will NOT feel the guilt. She will be able to hold her head high, because she came clean.

As far as you go, sweetie, I know how hard it is to deal with everything when hubby is away, and it can get lonely too. As you know, I was once a single mom, as you too once were. But thank God she wasn't hurt, and I am just sorry you chose to drink over it. I am not one to talk, because I can drink with no excuse at all. But I see from you post it only made things worse the next day...It always does doesn't it?

Which brings me to my next topic...

I know in my very heart and soul that I need to be abstinent. I kid myself to think I drink for the pure enjoyment of it, because the truth is, I really can never enjoy one or two...once I start, I am yearning for the level of high that is sure to make me sorry later. So I am kidding myself. And as i write this, I cannot even promise you that I will be successful this evening. That is the sad part. I can be SO clear about this in my mind and in my soul and in my heart, and then when my mind does its flip-flop, I can so often be almost powerless against it. I have been taking my 150 mgs of topa all at once at about 3pm lately, and that seems to be helping alot, so I am hopeful, but it has been hard for me. I think more than a few of us who have been trying to moderate are questioning that decision. For me it is not a question. It just won't work for me. I wish it could. Anyway, I still post here, because...quite frankly, I LIKE you guys...

Well, I guess that is all I have to say.

Beth

[crying uncle]

ey everyone happy Thursday

PP,

I, too, see my emotions rising to the surface lately at clumsy times, which can be disturbing and embarassing depending on who may be around (wife, daughter,etc.). I'm considering therapy after the holidays when things settle down. Let's hang in there.

Unc

[dilayne]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Hello everyone! Hugs to those who need them today and thank you all for sharing...
PP, I totally understand where you are...I have been doing therapy, but I don't think it's necessary to know that the emotions are coming from somewhere and that being in limbo is a natural state..I just want to share from a lot of experience this year that there is no way around the emotions, no way to avoid them, and no way to hurry them up..my biggest challenge is to just sit with them..it is only then that they can come up and through then out of me..eventually...there are gems and jewels and demons in those emotions sometimes..let go of what needs to be released, and cherish the capacity to feel the rest. ((huge hugs))

I'm doing well today..talking about therapy, tough day yesterday...I'm doing couples therapy now, to those who don't know..after a year of psychotherapy with an awesome Episcopal priest. I've learned so much, mostly that there is much to be learned about myself! I get to see how skilled I am at avoiding the 'present moment' and at dismissing my own emotions...but I keep showing up and every day I feel more closely connected to who I truly am, and am slowly learning to let go of anything and everything in my life that doesn't nurture or support it...wine was the biggy, but other things are time related...I'm beginning to cherish my time...because it's mine, and to not waste it on doing things that stress me out..for what? I'm rambling again..so sorry..

Courage...it's an amazing thing to witness in a human being, and I get to do that here.

[Popeye]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Hi everyone.
I've read all today's posts and I'd like to offer those of you who are having a rough time my support and to let you know that I am feeling for you. Those of you who are doing OK today....keep it up.

[Guest]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Precious,
just read your post. Thank you for the thoughts.
Today was rough. BOTH my family doctor and the shrink need to see me tomorrow. I feel like a damn freak. I'm questioning this decision, but don't have any other freaking options because everybody KNOWS now. I had nightmares about people trying to kill me and was waking up in cold sweats all night.
I keep crying.
Please, please, I wish I was already to the "other side".
I pray that if any of you go the abs route, it will not be so painful. You are all doing great over here, though, and for that I commend you. Wish I was still here and doing how I was when things were better. I was happy then.

OK, enough of the whining. Putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it.

I WAS happier during the day and trying to take it in stride like it was no big deal. That was actually working until I got these calls from my doctors...they collaberate, you see, and are trying to get me on enough goddam drugs to kill me if I ever take another freaking sip.

Ok, off on a tangent again. Somebody punch me.

[Preciouspinot]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Thank all of you for your support and input. I really appreciate all the comments and am learning from all of you.

Thank you, Lush, Mike, uncle, Di and Becca!

[Waves 2]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Hi all, just a quick sign in and out again. Feeling better than Monday. Thanks for all messages. They really helped to put things into perspective. Am ok just very busy at the moment. :l :l to those who need them today.

Love to all of you as always,

Waves

[MKR]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Oh Becca, I am so sorry this is painful. You will be to the other side soon. You will be happy with the decision at that point. You have the strength inside to get through but it is hard work, trully hard work. My thoughts and prayers are with you and you are not a freak sweetie! We love you and are here for you.

PP, our majestic Lush, is right it is a huge question for a lot of us. Yes, many of us are doing so well compared to a few months back . . .it is a process though and it does shake your whole world up a bit more than I think any of us realize. About the 3rd month into this I went a bit nuts and back tracked. It is that space you were speaking of readjusting everything and finding all those damn triggers. I was doing super well this summer and have had to truly fight staying on top of not chasing the buzz lately. I know what some of it is but I am thinking there are even more triggers than I imagined.

We saw Leaving Las Vegas, this weekend. OMG, what an upsetting movie. I think I was loaded the first time we saw it and hadn't really considered it the way I did this time. I don't want to be like that guy . . . I thanked God for MWO but there are still triggers going through my head. I have to find my CD's and listen to them again I think. It is super emotional, I think that is why the silly, super fun threads are a big help to all of us, even if we don't participate, there is so much healing in humor. And so many of you are too funny!!

Allie, hope you are feeling better now. What a stand up daughter you have raised and it is tough being on your own. As you, I was a single mom for years and then the first 4 years of this marriage hubby traveled for his job non-stop. One full year he was on the East coast and got to come home once a month for the weekend sometimes more like 6 weeks. I was running my biz, kids weren't driving and were at separate schools across town, had their sports and then the rentals were my responsibility. I so don't want to ever repeat that year again in my life.

Hope this story makes you laugh: My husband is only about 5'8" but is a huge guy who can pick up refrigerators, his size can be intimidating. He means biz, he means biz period. So one time that year, he tells me to go to a rental and pick up a very late rent check. Did he tell me it was rented to the UNM football players . . NOOOO, I also don't think he thought about my size vs his size. I knock on the door and the biggest bare chested guy is staring down at me and says what do you want? I am mute because I can't stop looking at his twin set of nipple rings right in my line of sight. Finally this tiny voice pops out with: I am here to pick up the rent check. "I don't have it he tells me." I just said OK and quickly left with his three day eviction notice fstill in my hand. . . I was too afraid to give it to him. To this day I can still see those rings and that look on his face. What a wimp right?! Guido I am not!

What it taught me is there are some things I can handle really well and some things I am horrible at. You are human and can only try to do your best, parenting is a two person job, but sometimes we don't have that luxury. You are a wonderful mom, it is just so nice to have the second parent around for back up, emotionally.

Another book but I hope you three and anyone else feeling the struggle is finding some peace of mind also.
Lushy, hope your power stayed on and the storm is not too bad!

Hugs and Love,
Mary

[vinophile]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Evening all,

So many of your posts struck a chord with me today. I'm trying to be abstienent but am just keep screwing up after a few days.
I feel like I'm sitting on a fence (barbed wire) and I can see the promised land in the future but just can't make the jump. There are so many emotions I drown in wine consumption. I know I can't deal with these until I stop drinking totally but that seems so hard for the long run. If I put off total abs til Jan 1 then I know in Jan I'll get bored, cold, the blues or any other excuse to start up again.
I'm still sitting on this fence and it's getting uncomfortable....someone push me.


Janet

[SKendall]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Lush, we are all hunkering down in Forks - wish we had a generator. Hurricane winds expected and because it's so wet the trees just keep popping out like corks.

I got my cards done today and most of the mailing. Good Luck.

Hilary

[lushy]

ey everyone happy Thursday

Aww guys, I hate that most everyone is feeling so down. Is it the holiday season? Is it being cooped up at home because it gets dark so damn early and we are bored and we revert back to our usual routine? Can I be a cheerleader here and say we are all making strides, whether big or small, and No I am not enabling anyone here. We can do this. We are aware of our problem and we are here to fix it. That's a good thing now isn't it? Sounds like a lot of us are learning lessons even from our bad days.

Okay, done with my cheerleading now. You are all great people.

P.S. Skendall, the winds are kicking up here as well. Has me a little nervous. BTW, did you read today that some magazine ranked your town as one of the worst places to live? No wonder you do not like it there. Don't feel too bad. The same magazine said Seattle was one of the worst places to live as well.......stay safe and warm.