AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

[tumadre]

Many changes are afoot in this new year. I've become much more invigorated and focused on my goals for this year. I wouldn't call them resolutions, as historically, not such a good track record have I. However, my head is high, my eyes are clear (when I'm not drinking), and I'm ready. My husband begins a new job, my youngest is determined to learn everything she can from her chef/boss at the Bistro she works at, and my oldest is home for one more month before going off to San Miguel de Allende in Mexico for a new college adventure. In the meantime, one of her college-mates will be here for a month, and will help me in my home business. Ah, the wonder of young, strong bodies...Without them, I fear I would still be dithering about, wanting to be perfect before I set foot in the internet world. My family is so supportive...why do I hesitate? I have plenty of cheerleaders! :yougo:
Actually, that's my goal for this year...to determine why I procrastinate, dither, delay, etc. I always feel (no matter what field I'm working in) that I must have the complete knowledge of a subject before I venture forth. Some of you must know how long that can keep me (you) mired in indecision..."More research is needed!!!"
Actually, I know where it originates...my step-father, when I was a child...He actually took the vacuum cleaner away from me because I wasn't doing it right! Laughable, yes? It seems like such a small thing. However, my whole childhood was like that. {Plus some other bad stuff}. Then, when I had my first child, he began to criticize her when she was only 2 years old, so I broke off all communication. I haven't seen him in 17 years. AND my ''real" Dad was emotionally AND physically unavailable (so, ok, he was there at times, but he certainly wasn't sober). AND, I've taken care of my Mom (emotionally and physically) forever, it seems like...
So, I do know why, I just want to be able to work through it. I don't want it to hold me back any longer. So, is it a control issue? Is it fear of "Not being good enough?"...OR???
Can anyone understand this? Who can empathize? Who can help me? :nutso:
So, that's the topic of the day-I'm sure no one else can even imagine the problems this causes...:yeahright: *PERFECTIONISM*

[floridagirl]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Perfectionism; give it up (I'm trying)

I know, I know.

It's part of why I'm the way I am. It's why I get so frustrated at work (my story to follow in the near future, I promise.)

I demand so much of myself (that I do it perfectly) that often it takes me forever to start or complete projects at home. At work, they get done and done right, by golly. Then I'm pissed when everybody else doesn't put the same amount of time and attention into everything (perhaps because they're not nuts?)

I'm also pissed off because I'm not recognized for these efforts (probably because I don't stand up for myself like I should.)

My resolution for 2007 is to take care of myself in every way which includes standing up for myself (in an appropriate and polite way) at work as well; hopefully this will not lead to unemployment (but if it does, oh well, I was looking for a job when I got this one.) It would be a problem, but I bet I would live to tell the tale.

Floridagirl (real name confidential--professional reasons)

[Suzanna]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

yeay Friday

Good morning Tumadre and Floridagirl! Tumadre I can relate to things having happened in the past that can have lasting effects on the way we do things as adults. The comments can pop up in your head at the worst times and I think, why can you still have this hold on me? I don't worry about perfectionism because I won't be able to attain that, and I tend to plunge ahead and trust that when I need some help it will be there or I will be able to find it, like your young folks helping you just when you need them. Don't worry about your real name Floridagirl, none of us uses our real identities. I'm a Florida gal too. :welcome: Suz

[fsophiah]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

You've introduced something that hits home me, tumadre. Recently, my brother came to visit my mother because my mother wants to move here to an independent living facility. He doesn't like the idea because he feels that she will become the property and concern of our extended family, which includes my son and his family. I went down to Austin to visit him for the day, and we had a wonderful visit (he was fine with the move, finally), but the whole memory lane thing happened, and I have been chewing on this past drama of my upbringing for the last week. There are so many things I can't change about the sadness of the past--my father's death (my father's life--he was an abusive alcoholic), my mother's dating period, when she was totally self-involved and negligent as a parent, and my mother's re-marriage to a man who really wanted very little to do with my brother and me, my mother's infatuation with his wealthy, socially prominent children and grandchildren--that I just feel that it's best to put it away. I've begun to wonder about the wisdom of "getting it all out." It's that old Freudian paradigm. I keep replaying that line from the Paul Simon song" "What are you going to do about it, that's what I wanta know..." Those old wounds are so deep. That's why I think things like changing routine, getting exercise, doing something positive is more helpful for me. And yeah, I've been thinking about the perfectionism thing too. That damned Christmas tree. I had to have strings and strings of lights and handmade ornaments, and now it's my house I'm obsessing over. I'm a terrible housekeeper, but I am the kind of person who keeps straightening the pictures on the wall.

[Hawk]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Now that's something I can really relate to. I struggle with perfectionism. I demand it in me and in others and I am disappointed frequently - by myself and others. I have been learning over the past year to demand it less of others but not of me. I also think for me, it prevents me from doing certain things out of fear of failure. Now isn't that just stupid?

[InnerStrength]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Wow great one

Wow Tumadre. This is a great topic.
While I cant say that I necessarily struggle with perfectionism, there was another thing that you said that REALLY hit me between the eyes.
I too tend to procrastinate, delay, etc. Perhaps for me its part laziness but I also think another part has to do with fear of mistake/failure. I have always had an issue with not feeling good enough. While my parents always encouraged me (in their own ways), they always made it clear that they expected biggish things from my sister and I. (Not necessarily a bad thing...) - if i wasent doing well in school when i was younger, my mom would say - "well, you can always be a failure. that's an option. live on the street" in a very condescending way. When I was doing well in school but did a stupid thing in "life" she would say things like "99% in school. 0 in life". She also used to say things like i got the looks but my sister got the brains.
Huh.
I haven't thought about that in a long time. I think a lot of my issues must come down to my relationship with my mother, which was volitile at best when i was a teenager. I know she was desperately worried about me succeeding and achieving etc. and maybe that made her do things that she maybe shouldnt have done, but i also recognize that she did her best at the time, and she has changed so much now.

Funny, because I am now a lawyer (and I am NOT saying this to boast, I am saying this because I still feel inferior in many situations) and yet I still dont feel i measure up in a lot of ways. I have always struggled with insecurities.

So, I think sometimes I sit back and let people take advantage of me, like my job now. I hate it. I am doing in house corporate stuff and not being paid as much as I should be (not really a huge deal for me) and I dont enjoy it! (Big deal for me). Yet, I sit here and do it everyday. Why? Why dont I go out and pursue what I really want to do? (This is another issue - I am not quite sure what area of law I want to end up in).
Well, I have rambled long enough. This was some very very good food for thought.
Thanks guys for listening. I love you all.
Love Jen:h

[lushy]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Okay, who infiltrated my mind and knew this is something I am completely struggling with right now? Like Jen, I cannot decide if I am just plain lazy or if I am unsure of myself. I never used to be either. I grew up with incredibly supportive parents so that is not the problem. But I have always just done enough to get by. Was an average student, owned my own business for 10 years but made just enough sales to make a decent living. Now I am working at home in a job that I DESPISE. Most mornings I am in literal tears because I hate it so much. I have been seriously looking for another job for over a year and nothing fits in with my husband's work schedule, daughter's schedule, etc., and I find it impossible to go back working in the "real world" since I have been independent since I was about 23. I have a few jobs I would like to pursue and every day I say, "this week I will work on starting, no next week, no next month." So my latest goal was this month. I am feeling paralyzed. I do not know where to start and I am worried I will fail. If I cannot do it well I don't want to do it at all, so yes I guess in a way I am a perfectionist.

But when it comes to other people I DEMAND perfectionism, have extremely high expectations of them. I am the Queen of Common Sense and it incenses me when people do not use it. But when faced with my own life I am falling short of my expectations......hmmm, doesn't make much sense now doesn't it?

I have always loved coming to this place, as you well know, but for some reason this week I am really the love and support we have for each other more than ever. That is such a great thing for all us.

Happy Friday all. I hope you all reach your moderating/abstaining goals this weekend. Group hug!!!

[InnerStrength]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Oh and I hope no one thinks I am trying to "blame" my mother for everything.That would be a real easy cop out and I DONT blame her at all!! (or at least I am not trying to do that!!!). I can only imagine how hard it would be to raise someone like me - though my mother always wished that on me! (that I would end up with a child just like me - God help me, saying a little prayer right now!)

Now, I need to get off my butt and figure out what I want!
I love you guys
Jen

[MKR]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

True for me too! Tumadre, always thoughtful posts!

Maybe this will help:

The more you trust folks, the less they let you down.

Sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true.

The Universe

_______________________________

Basically been an overachiever all of my life. Have always had tons of patience for everyone else. For myself though I hold a higher standard and don't allow a ton of space for wiggle room. That has been something I have worked on in varying degrees for a decade or two. (Obviously not there yet!!) Doing something nice for me or cutting me some slack is just not in my make up.

I hurt for all who hate their jobs. Been there done that been bored to tears at points in my life where I could hardly concentrate as my mind is wandering into more creative places. While making temporary crowns or assisting for the next quadrant of reconstructive dentistry I would be designing clothes or redecorating the office in my mind or illustrating a children's book. Please reexamine what you want to do and go for it. The surge in energy you will feel having a job you love is going to make it all good. The money also follows when someone is happy in their work.

I do wonder if all of us to some degree have this perfectionist thing down pat, via parental expectations or just on our own- no wonder we drink to dull the constant disappointments.

Yes, Lush, group hug!

[InnerStrength]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Mary
When you say you would be "designing clothing, redecorating the office in your mind, or illustrating a children's book" that just completely bang on suits what I would picture you doing. Just wanted to tell you that. How strange is that? I just see you as creative, and someone who would be so in tuned to children's (and adults') needs etc (thats a great thing and I wish I had that instinct). Just thought I would tell you that.
Hug
Jen

[Mighty Mouse II]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Hi Everybody, this is toooo uncanny for words. We all have so much in common here!! I feel like I am hearing mirror reflections of my soul.

I am a perfectionist as well. I used to think it was because of my father, who is now a close friend, but whom was very strict when I was a youth. He used to say "can't can't do a dxxxxmn thing! And no matter how hard I would try, he would always have at least one criticism about how it could have been better only if I would have done X. But, you know, we are not like that with our son at all, and yet, is just like me. So, I now I wonder if it isn't just in the personality gene pool.

I am also known for my procrastination (as is my son), though I am not as bad as I used to be, and I have never missed a deadline. I have taken so many business courses on how to deal with this issue. They all take a different approach to the same format. The best way not to procrastinate is to do an indepth plan, and then break it down into day-to-day goals. It really does help, but there are ways to fool around with the day-to-day activities so that you are still procrastinating. The thing that does help me alot, at least to do better, is to break things down into little pieces. I am a "big picture" thinker by nature, but my husband who is more task-oriented, has taught me over the years how to break things down into little steps, so that instead of having to tackle it all at once, I can do a little at a time. It helps, but it's like trying to climb up hill with a big rock you have to roll in front you -- it goes against my nature.

It's so nice to know others struggle with the same issue. Speaking of procrastinating, I better go write my radio program for this afternoon, or I will miss a deadline!

Love to all,
MM

P.S. Is anybody else having trouble with the server. I couldn't get on New Years Eve and I couldn't get on this morning. It kept saying it couldn't find the server????

[Preciouspinot]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Great topic today! I have of recent been going through a self anaylsis of why I do things I do and am I happy and if not why.....why....alot of whys

I haven't got it all sorted out yet, but when I do it will be entitled "The Mommy Manifesto"

I am constantly trying to be the perfect mother, wife, business woman, sister, daughter, friend, ect.

Fact is no one can be perfect at everything...

Right now I'm juggling alot of balls in the air and dropping some...

[MKR]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

PP, I hear you and you too Jen and MM.

I read a book years ago, called Perfect Daughters by Robert J Ackerman.

Just pulled up a summary of the new edition from off Yahoo. The thing is I couldn't exactly say my Dad was a total alcoholic, yet he did have a drink or two every day for many years. My mom, hardly ever drank but was a super critical mom while we were growing up. Something I have decided not to be with my sons. Yet, this book is quite true to form in terms of that perfectionist behavior and taking on more responsibility than we really have to.

Summary :
This new edition of Perfect Daughters, a pivotal book in the ACoA movement, identifies what differentiates the adult daughters of alcoholics from other women.

When this groundbreaking book first appeared over ten years ago, Dr. Ackerman identified behavior patterns shared by daughters of alcoholics. Adult daughters of alcoholics-"perfect daughters" -operate from a base of harsh and limiting views of themselves and the world. Having learned that they must function perfectly in order to avoid unpleasant situations, these women often assume responsibility for the failures of others. They are drawn to chemically dependent men and are more likely to become addicted themselves. More than just a text that identifies these behavior patterns, this book collects the thoughts, feelings and experiences of twelve hundred perfect daughters, offering readers an opportunity to explore their own life's dynamics and thereby heal and grow.

And Jen, that is funny I fit the picture you have of me! My mind wanders!

[Lucy Van Pelt]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Wow!! Great topic!! While I do not consider myself a perfectionist, I definately see myself as an overachiever, and as someone who does not ever feel really good enough in what ever I do...I am very hard on myself. If I look at myself on paper, I can see it doesn't look all that bad...I have a Ph.D. To many that is impressive...but I don't feel like it is something to be proud of. Rather, I feel like I just somehow got lucky to get the degree or something. I guess what it comes down to is this. I don't take credit for my achievements, but I am very quick to blame myself for any of my failures. Can't tell you why. I can't blame it on my upbringing, my parents, or on anything I can think of. It is just me. I think a lot of woman may struggle with this..especially in terms of business success, but maybe I am wrong.

And in terms of myself as a mom. I know I am a good mom but...never good enough. I feel like I have to be the perfect mom..which, of course, is impossible...

crazy, huh?

Oh, bye the way, I too am from Florida!! Lots of Floridians here!!!

Beth

[lushy]

AND A GOOD FRIDAY TO YOU, SIRs MADAMs: 1.5.07

Thanks for making me laugh Fannie!!!