Wednesday, June 28th 2017 (Absent Bullet)
Trying to make the most of a day off (they happen all the time now, like – every fucking day!!) I changed up my doctor surgery and did little else. The college only finished up eight days ago but already I am lost without it. My old doctor was about a mile and a half north of my cave and so it makes sense that I should register with my local one, the closest to me, less than half a mile from the cave. It makes me feel as though I'm a part of the community. I have to say though that this is something I've bee struggling with recently. A sense of belonging and community. It's a combination of leaving the charity shop due to the changes made by the new chair making it more expensive and less community driven, and that Russell Brand book I've been reading which talks all about the importance of community and how we've allowed capitalist ideologies to become so dominant in our societies now that this suffering we all feel yet completely deny is there and real is actually a spiritual suffering due to our lack of sense of community and belonging.
It's completely true I think. Twice this morning there were chances for drivers to fuck me over, me being a pedestrian on a mission and all that, and both of them took them, speeding up to try to frighten me, or just let me know that they feel as though they are important and that I should wait on them. I can relate. I too used to be filled with hatred – especially in the mornings and especially when I was driving – and it's still there every now and then these days but to a much lesser extent I must say, and when I see these guys racing to work I can't help but think of Russell's comments in the book. We are suffering, to a quite staggering degree, from a lack of community.
This makes me wonder if I might actually be right in leaving the charity shop and refuse to go along with the apparent community-busting and money-making philosophy that the new chairperson is bringing. Like all nasty ideas it'll spread rapidly throughout a community already in the throes of a terrible neighbour-fucking-over illness. By not giving up my free time to this place any longer (and I feel as though I've never had as much free time as I currently do) I am making a stand against this but it is a silent stand. Only me, Dr. Bacon, Lindsay, and perhaps some of you guys, actually know why I've left. But then would it make any difference in telling anyone else? Like Russell's book says – we don't know that we are suffering from a lack of community and so it's totally unlikely anyone is going to listen to someone that isn't famous and on television. It makes me think that people are not as sociable as they think they are and that the idea of a thriving community fills them with fear. We're actually very isolated creatures just pretending to be sociable. This is the way I've always felt about humans.
I got up this morning and text Barry the Bullet to make sure he'd be up and ready at the meeting spot, got no reply, risked going all the way down there anyway, waited and waited, realised he wasn't going to show, and then walked back up the road to the cave. Next time he and I are together I am going to have to get from him a list of all the addresses we still have left in this business, move all of the gear up to the cave and then come up with some alternative. Barry is just too unreliable these days. It'll feel like I'm stabbing him in the back – will feel that way for both of us – but it's either that or lose the business completely.
Maybe I should show him some loyalty and just split it. Fifty/fifty, right down the line. After all – how am I going to continue keeping a business running while I'm a full time student again? It's not going to happen. The extra money from working just one shift per week (could be as much as a hundred bucks) would be enough to cover my living expenses (I'm a cheap date now that I no longer drink, take drugs or smoke) and so one day's work per week is all I'll need come September. What about between now and then though? I could do with getting out as much as possible and it's been a complete disaster so far. Two weeks ago I went out to work on the Wednesday. Last week I was supposed to make my big return and work Wednesday and Thursday and then this week Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. The reality has been that I haven't been out at all since that Wednesday two weeks ago and the money gained from that shift went straight back into the business buying business cards and rubbers for the squeegees. I'm not struggling for cash but I have to be careful or it might not be too long before I start struggling for it again.
So if I'm not going out to work today I'll have to make the best of another day off. It's getting close to lunchtime and I haven't an answer from Barry. I keep getting little images of him sleeping away. He'll get up soon to a bunch of text messages and missed calls from me and I'll hear from him later on. In the meantime I am going to head through to Lindsay's town and pay her a visit. I'll be checking up on dates for meeting musicians and getting on with completing that college funding application. I'll pop into the Credit Union on the way and find out if they accept student loan payments. If not I'll have to work out starting a bank account. I'll also contact mum about checking my passport application. Hopefully I have her details correct and am good to go. There's still plenty of time but it will pass quickly if I'm not thinking about it.
I'm going to leave the laptop here (in the cave) so won't be posting this or today's writing until probably Friday evening or Saturday morning. This way, should I stay over in the next town, I'll be ready to step straight off the bus tomorrow morning prepared to work. That's the plan anyway.
But, where Barry's involved, plans don't seem to mean much at all.
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Stevie
Sticking to his plan.....
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