It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Why not now? Why is it that I can not drink from 5:30 am to 5:30 pm 5 days a week and not the rest of the time?

Also, why can I confront, endure and even resolve problems during that time sober but felt the need to have a drink the rest of the time when under pressure?

And why can I have a disagreement, an argument, even get really pissed off during that time sober but reach for a "calmer" when things get pissy?

What is it about my work personality and my life at home that creates such diametrically opposed responses to life's problems??

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hey Boyz,
It is always good to see you back, way better than not coming back when you need the support. Keep journaling, meditating, reflecting, seeking. Never give up.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Sunbeam;1075068 wrote: Hey Boyz,
It is always good to see you back, way better than not coming back when you need the support. Keep journaling, meditating, reflecting, seeking. Never give up.

Always great to see you Sunbeam. Thanks for your support! Have a nice day.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

To say I am confused is an understatement. Part of my problem....a big part of my problem is I think too much. I over think things and often don't like the net result of my thoughts. I should be happy but I am not. Why should I be happy or why do I think I am not happy is the maelstrom in my head. Vodka made me happy. Vodka made everything not so happy become tolerable. I miss my vodka...bad.

I think I will re-read my earlier posts....I need help to get past this hump, this mental wall, this empty box I am trapped in. God this sucks.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Hello everybody. I couldn't help but notice that a lot of people do read this thread. I am open to your thoughts and would invite you to pm me as this is a one day at a time struggle and people that care and know what you are going through are far and few between.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

One day at a time
Life is too short
Live each day like there is no tomorrow...

Yes, we have no choice but to live one day at a time.
Yes, life is too short and when it's over it is over, but do I really need to live each day like there is no tomorrow?? I have and I am beginning to feel it's not really in my best interest. It sucks knowing today could be my last day on earth but that is no excuse to numb out the notion of possibly dying today.

I am beginning to realize I am not living each day like there is no tomorrow, I am really dying each day by drinking. Being buzzed all day long is not living....it it living a lie.

I really don't know what I am so afraid of? Why am I not willing to stay sober? What is so difficult in my life that I have to sneak off and drink? Life for me would be so much simpler and happier....so I imagine.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I am depressed today. Been on a constant roller coaster now for over 4 months straight and it has taken it's toll. Normal life does not seem to exist anymore....if there is such a thing. I bought a new house and bought my business all big changes one would think would bring happiness and eliminate any and all reasons or excuses to drink. Instead I feel isolated and alone. Alcohol worked extremely well to numb the pain inside. That pain of isolation, anger and frustration.

Challenges are nothing new to me...been taking them on my whole life. But when alcohol is erasing the challenges I face, they are still there the next morning. I have got to figure this shit out.

[greeneyes]

It's my turn

Keep your chin up 4theboyz! No matter how this feels, it's far far better than a drinking life! Do some deep breathing, affirmation statements, meditate, EXERCISE, try some yoga, something to help you stay focused and grounded. Keep that toolbox handy! I'm rooting for you!

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Boyz, have you revisited the tool box lately? You are searching, and that's the best resource I know.

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

Hi 4tbz. All I can say is that when I read your post about feeling alone and isolated - even after the starting of a business, a new house, etc.....I CAN RELATE. I always thought big, positive events like that would mean I finally didn't need to drink any more. It took a lot of job changes, promotions, demotions, geographic moves, etc. to realize that no matter what I did or where I went, my AL problem was always with me.

I hope you find your way out. Be willing to go to any length.

Strength and hope to you,

DG

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Greeneyes, Sunbeam and Doggygirl it is always nice to hear from you all and the support here is what makes these challenges easier. I am pulling out the big guns and going to see a therapist later today and start chipping away at the deeper issues that keeps this desire to drink and numb away these issues I have.

Taking this head on and ain't going to be pretty. I tried to do this alone and it ain't working...this has to work this time....it has to!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

After talking with my therapist, she thinks I may be ADHD. I read up on it and it does seem to add up. I hope that does not become an excuse for my problems.

[Doggygirl]

It's my turn

4tbz, I'm sorry to hear about the possible ADHD, but on the other hand, maybe if that is at the core of some of the problems, having a diagnosis will help move you towards recovery?

I know there are people here on the forum who deal with ADHD. I see you posted that going it alone isn't working. That didn't work for me either. Maybe post a general message thread seeking others with experience with ADHD? (either personally or loved ones?) Just an idea.

I wish you well in your quest to overcome all of this!

DG

EDIT: I see you already did!!! BRAVO!!!! I'm sure you will get some great input.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Well I woke up today with a better outlook and hopefully a better plan of attack. I finally joined the health club again where they have a real nice pool as I love to swim and swimming really helps me burn off the stress. I swam for the first time last night and felt relaxed and connected again to the positive things in my life. I drive by the pool everyday and that will serve as a friendly reminder to do what I have to do to stay sober and get strong, healthy and hopefully happier with my life.

One day at a time everybody!

[cpn1004]

It's my turn

4tbz,
As DG wrote, do what it takes to find your way out. I've been told that I'm OCD. Well, I used that as an excuse to keep drinking. I used beer to numb my feelings too.
It took me several attempts to obtain sobriety. But, damn, it has been worth it. Don't give up.