It's my turn

[57Shelby]

It's my turn

Thank you 4TB for your posts! I have read your whole story and I have been so impressed and inspired by your courage, honesty and vulnerability! I gained a lot from all the post on the thread by others and saw a bit of myself in all of them. Keep posting, please. You helped me a great deal today and look forward to reading more!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Un and 57 thank you for your care and words of encouragement. I wanted to post here again today to chronicle a few notable experiences I would like to remember about. First I dreamt almost the entire night last night and that has not happened in almost 3 years! Woke up feeling the effects of something I never felt. It was like an electric buzz in my blood that almost wouldn't let me out of bed. Trying to figure that one out.

Work was uneventful and I then went to watch my son bowl for his high school. Being there for meets is never and issue as I would not think of drinking in that environment though a rum and coke was always my bowling partner. I did get bored there and found myself drawn to the desire to have a drink. Once that craving started it seemed to never end.

After the meet we got some take out dinner and again that craving for my after work martini was palatable. My wife then left to take my other son to lessons and here I sit with the strongest craving I have had yet. I am alone in my favorite chair with ice water in a glass where a martini once stood. For dinner I had a roll I normally do not eat with potatoes and I feel like crap! I am beginning to think there is a stronger relationship to my alcohol ravaged body and hypoglycemia than I realized.

I now realize more has to change in my life than just not consuming alcohol. I HAVE to change my habits and most of all routine. I am using the excuse I am exhausted (which I am) to just taking it easy. But I see now that I cannot do what I have always done as most of the time that included a drink.

Tonight I will map out new options to do other things besides coming home after work and sitting in my fav chair. This chair is vodka to me, being home alone is vodka to me, watching TV is vodka to me. If I am to succeed everyone says get the vodka out of the house and I now see I have to get ME out of the house too! Sigh!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 6

One week ago, I would have already had 3-4 large swigs off the vodka bottle by this time of 8:30 in the morning most Saturdays. The weekends were a time when I could drink virtually the entire day. What struck me most then when I was doing it and especially now is I don't know why I did that....why I felt the need to drink.

As I sit here in my fragile state of recovery, I am tempted by both the familiarity of the routine and the physical cravings coursing through my veins. But I cannot for the life of me understand why I would drink at that hour or at all for that matter.

I have told my therapist countless times I drank to numb the pain of stressors in my life, but what on earth is stressful about sitting in my favorite chair watching a most beautiful sunrise unfold before me?? Yes I have stress at work, and the kids will test me every chance they get, and marriage is a guaranteed basket of stressors...but I look back at all of those and am coming up empty as to why I so easily raised that bottle of vodka to my lips. It is almost as if I was pouring liquid courage into my veins in anticipation of the stresses I knew would come my way but in reality they were minor little things.

Perhaps I have been running away from something in life or something about life I do not like the way things have turned out. Life is too short they say and at my age, statistically I am a good slug past 1/2 way. Either way, today could very well be my last and perhaps this wrestling match with my own mortality is what has generated all the turmoil in my brain and my heart and soul. And what if being a husband, father and business owner is not what life is all about?? Is there this sense of regret that I have made the wrong choice in life and my final days will be spent merely as a slave to these responsibilities of my choices I have made?? Is that why I have poured hundreds of gallons of vodka down my throat? Is my life really that unfulfilling that I have had to numb out this perception that life is too short and I am stuck on this Ground Hog Day of same same existence??

What else can it be??

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

Great post!! It's all about your perception and how you see your life. What YOU see often times isn't reality, it's just how you perceive it. Change your perception and your focus and change your life. I am currently watching a beautiful sunrise as well and it's gonna be a great sober day!!

[windy]

It's my turn

This may sound trite, but sometimes I think we are running away from our own potential and the fear we have inside of us to truly reach it. Our goal should be not to reach it fully, and maybe that's why we get stuck sometimes because we expect to be there already. Your posts are incredibly insightful. I don't think we will get those answers in this life time.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

windy;1223473 wrote: This may sound trite, but sometimes I think we are running away from our own potential and the fear we have inside of us to truly reach it. Our goal should be not to reach it fully, and maybe that's why we get stuck sometimes because we expect to be there already. Your posts are incredibly insightful. I don't think we will get those answers in this life time.

@windy...you are so right and the real challenge in life is to recognize just when that moment arrives that you have achieved your potential and great things. That happened to me last Feb. A year ago I suffered a near total nervous break down as I was trying to sell my house, so I could proceed to buy my business by Jan 1st. The real estate market sucked, I lost a ton of equity in my house, found out I had high blood pressure and could not then get the life insurance the seller required for the biz buyout. My wife was urging me to not buy the business just yet until we sole the house. Long story short a buyer for our house appeared out of nowhere, fast-forward to Feb where I closed on a new house Feb 8, and bought the business 3 days later. During that time so many obstacles popped up that anyone was a solid reason to fold my cards and call it quits. One after the other these obstacles challenged every fiber of my being. Despite my heavy drinking I somehow made it all come together and on my way home from the closing I had to pull over as I began to sob. I finally realized I did what I did and knew right then and there I could do anything. Since that day I also knew I had to stop the denial of an addiction to poor choices regarding how I dealt with stress and though it took 8 more months to make that final right choice...I am here today taking responsibility to making only good healthy choices in my life as I do know I can do it.

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

Long story short a buyer for our house appeared out of nowhere, fast-forward to Feb where I closed on a new house Feb 8, and bought the business 3 days later. During that time so many obstacles popped up that anyone was a solid reason to fold my cards and call it quits. One after the other these obstacles challenged every fiber of my being.

This is a prime example of what focusing on something can do for you. Believe it or not this is the same way I bought a home, increased my income, improved my marriage and got and have stayed happily sober. I focused on the thing I wanted and I didn't let anything get in my way. When you have an unyielding focus, either good or bad, you eventually get what you are focused on.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

One Week!

GOOD GRIEF!

Went to a family X-mas party at my SIL and bottles of wine and a supersized bottle of Vodka sat unattended next to the fruit juice and lime I wanted to drink. So I opted of ice and water instead. Anytime I walked through the kitchen, I had flashbacks....literal flash backs to all the other Xmas parties there where I would fill and re-fill my glass with that same huge bottle of vodka bought just for me as they knew that was what I drank. I almost felt obligated to just have one drink and a half dozen times I found myself contemplating that very thing.

These were genuine cravings as I saw how that pleasure response of having a drink especially a social drink is so ingrained in my brain. Each time I filled my glass with water and ice I praised myself for making the right choice....even though I felt it was the boring choice then, I looked back over the evening and I really would not have participated in the party any differently, I still jammed with the guys, played games and laughed the night away. I just did it sober.

There was a strange sense of melancholy though as I lamented...even pitied myself for not having a drink. Sure I could have had one and rationalized that 4 ways to Sunday many times last night but that would have undermined my goals of relieving my body and soul of this diabolical disease of poor choices and alcoholism. That one drink would have pierced the fabric of my strong desire to not depend on alcohol to validate the poor choices I more than likely will make again as I am only human.

But as I did last night I can at least make the one solid good choice and that is to not drink alcohol and today I sit and watch another beautiful sunrise rested, happy and alert. Sunday morning never felt better!

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

Great job!

Early sobriety is a bear, but if you stay prepared as you bite off each situation and get it under your belt it just gets easier. Then that urge of wanting to drink turns and realizes that because of the consequences of drinking you really don't want to anymore. I didn't believe I would ever be able to go to a function and not feel the urge at all, but the more time you get the urge ultimately goes away. Great post!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

OK MWO!!! I NEED YOU!!!

Wow wow wow!! All I can say is WOW!!! All started first thing yesterday morning with a close customer who without warning blindsided me with all sorts of veiled threats about taking business elsewhere. That went on for the better part of the morning. The minute that was over...we smelled smoke and noticed the main computer that runs our whole office had fried.

So I whisk the box off to Geek Squad who gave it last rites and transfered the data to a new computer. Problem is this does not move programs just saved files. Today we come to realize NONE of the customer data bases for accounting, and shipping records for the last 9 years. We did run back up but those storage discs are empty....go figure. So I now have to wait for a tech service rep to show up to pull our butts out of the fire.

In the meantime I am mulling over the blowout angry confrontation I had with my 15 year old as I dropped him off at school and his last words to me was "Go drink your problems away dad"!

Needless to say I am spent, burnt, beat up and bruised. I really had the strongest desire to drink last night and somehow made it through AF free. What got me through though was more than just self control....I thought of how nice it would be to have a rich glass of red wine to relax with and knew in my heart it would mean the whole bottle and feeling like pooo in the morning and once again drifting away without a sail or paddle to steer me in the direction I know I need to go.

I am looking for a substitute for alcohol to take this searing edge off my life. I never realized just how out of whack it gets and to the degree and intensity it does. Vodka was my savior my hero who whisked me out of harms way.

Now I sit here contemplating leaving work on one hour and thankful I have 9 days AF to fall back on and my resolve still intact to rally my courage and strength to fight the cravings for a quick fix to some deep seated issues...anger issues I need to face for the first time in many years.

I just had to jump on here and catalog one of the most intense bouts of stress and cravings I have ever had in any of my efforts to be AF and I am smiling because I do think I can do this!!

[Supercrew]

It's my turn

Great job!! Two things help me with stress and to come up with solutions.

1. Workout, if you belong to a gym use it, if you don't put on some sweats and running shoes and start doing some sort of workout. I lift weights, or do push ups, or sprint, or punch bags. I find that if I am able to do 30-45 minutes of hard training my stress levels decrease, and I also seem to think up solutions to my problems when I am working out. My next solution is to take a short 30 minute nap. It normally refreshes me, and my subconscious mind starts working on my problems as I am relaxing. I do alot of this through self hypnosis.

I don't know if you are into motivational quotes or self hypnosis or any of the other new age self improvement techniques, but I try to set a few minutes a day and click over to youtube and just click on things that interest me. Some days it might be Tony Robbins, othertimes in might be hypnosis to help a specific aspect of my life. It might seem a little cheesy, but it's better than drinking. You can do it!! Nothing is impossible!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MFn7ptHQG0&feature=related[/video]]Why Nothing Is Impossible - YouTube

[Unwasted]

It's my turn

4 - just wanted to send you good vibes and cheer you on - you can do this. I do very similar things to what SC has mentioned - exercise and lots of self help - reading, You Tube. There's a ton of stuff out there.

And, of course, just keep in the forefront of your mind that nothing will be made better with alcohol. You'll just feel hungover/tired and that will make dealing with problems even worse. The downside is much worse than the short-term relief.

Sorry you're experiencing so much negative stuff right now, but it will get better.

Best to you.:l

[AGUYFROMNC]

It's my turn

Hello 4 The Boyz
Post sounded sorta like mine, the weekends I would start drinking early , Early as 7 AM just to cure the hangover from the night before.. then it would be an all weekend thing until Sunday. Was up to a gallon of rum a day. IM on day 14 AF, glad that you are at Day 9 AF.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 11

Knock on wood but I have never ever before felt more secure in my desire to not drink ever again. The biggest things I have going for me is embracing my ability to sleep at night and the feeling of wellness that I am now enjoying. I still feel like I am hung over as I am not sure what that is all about and can only assume it is my body adapting it's chemistry to make up for the loss of carbs and alcohol it no longer has to process.

I tried melatonin last night for the first time as a sleep aid and was less than thrilled by the results and doubt I will try that again. Seemed to make matters worse not better.

Now 11 days into this I am still struggling with anger issues and snap reactions to stress as opposed to my desired reaction of restraint and composure. It is my hope that things will settle down in my mind to where I gain greater control of my reactions once the tog-of-war over cravings subsides over time. I am looking back on a long road of carnage my drinking has inflicted on my loved ones who I know have a layer of doubt over their perception of me expecting the worst when I am confronted with a seemingly bad moment. I am determined to maintain my course of sobriety to where drinking is no longer an issue or excuse for my actions and words.

I have a Doc appointment today where I can discuss a plan of attack for myself to rebuild my bodies health and vitality. I have already lost 6 pounds in 11 days and only 5 more to go to get back to pre-alki body weight and 10 pounds more is my ultimate goal which I'd like to accomplish in one months time. Should be doable.

[Nelz]

It's my turn

4theboyz;1226755 wrote:
I still feel like I am hung over as I am not sure what that is all about and can only assume it is my body adapting it's chemistry to make up for the loss of carbs and alcohol it no longer has to process.

Yeah, I get that too, for the life of me, I dont know why

I tried melatonin last night for the first time as a sleep aid and was less than thrilled by the results and doubt I will try that again. Seemed to make matters worse not better.

Im kinda hit and miss with that too, seems as if I increased the dosage it worked better.

I have already lost 6 pounds in 11 days and only 5 more to go to get back to pre-alki body weight and 10 pounds more is my ultimate goal which I'd like to accomplish in one months time. Should be doable.

Isnt that just kick ass! Been trying to lose weight for a while, amazing what happens when you dont ingest empty calories

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