:new: Hi all, I'm not sure where to begin, i had a great childhood i'm close to all my family. Brought up in Ireland both my parents drink and i was regularly taken to pubs for family do's etc..unfortunately excessive drinkings acceptable in Ireland. There are two categories of people in Ireland those who can hold their drink and those who cannot,I'm in the latter. Embarrassingly so for my family who would rate themselves as well able and often wonder where they got me from. I was introduced to alcohol at a young age a few sips of wine at the dinner table at christmas,over time a glass of guinness hidden under a table. My parents philosophy was to be present and introduce slowly so when i became legal age to drink i didn't go mad on it and off the rails and end up in A&E with alcohol poisoning. I left home to go travelling at 18 after passing all my exams with flying colours,spent 2yrs in the u.k then France where i was an au-pair it was France where i discovered red wine my employer was an artist whose husband spent half the year on business travelling over and back to oz, with two small kids she was a strict taskmaster who took out her frustration of creative -block on me, yrs later I realised with reflection she was desperately lonely for her husband who was 15yrs her junior v.handsome man..after a few mths the gardener confided that mademoiselle was an alcoholic,I found i much preferred her presence when she was having a glass because then she seemed to soften towards me,even inviting me to join her when she was especially pleased with chores i'd completed to her satisfaction. I realise now the bullying cantankerous nature were the result of her hangovers which left her unable to properly communicate and show love for her children,which was now my role.
A role i felt overwhelmed by as i was still a little immature myself. The children were adorable it wasn't hard to keep them away from Mama..but after 6mths of a 1yr-contracti felt-emotionally drained and homesick. When i tried to resign she refused to pay my ticket which had been the prior agreement but as i wasn't keeping my part she'd no intention of keeping hers,and withheld my previous mths wages and said i'd get paid in full at end of 12mths. I was distraught and begged her the only person i could talk to was the gardener,who decided to help me get home in the middle of the night i ran away never to return,my brother sent me the fare. After that experience i gave au-pairing a miss and did bar work in Spain for two yrs,when i look back now i drank everyday 3days a week excessively then i worked as a stewardess on a billionaires motorboat,i'd 5days off in 4mths and found i regularly drank a bottle of wine before bedtime out of boredom and loneliness. After 8countries i came home to settle met a man i thought i'd spend rest of my life with and had 2kids.we split up 3yrs ago and i've drunk a bottle of wine every night since ashamed to say i love the numb warm familiar feeling it gives me like peace. But at weekends i can't explain what happens but lately i've heard me being described as crazy,when i was younger i thought that was cool but not now. My close friends say i'm always a good laugh i dance all night but a wrong look or word from anyone and i disolve into a suicidal mess.paranoia played a big part in wrecking any chance i've had with any date since i become obsessed that they're only using me and will dump me first opportunity i settled for guys below standard in the hope they'd appreciate me more!course they didn't. My family are embarrassed at my dancing and now i've a squint when i get tipsey i don't want to be making a fool of myself yet feel so shy and boring without alcohol..I want to quit for my children and me last yr i attempted suicide twice and dont find psychiatric treatment helpful,i don't have a mental illness im just sad and scared. I'm on strong anti-depressants but find it near impossible to quit alcohol completely even though i've giving the village where i live plenty fodder after this christmas.I want to live a life without regret. I want to quit.
A role i felt overwhelmed by as i was still a little immature myself. The children were adorable it wasn't hard to keep them away from Mama..but after 6mths of a 1yr-contracti felt-emotionally drained and homesick. When i tried to resign she refused to pay my ticket which had been the prior agreement but as i wasn't keeping my part she'd no intention of keeping hers,and withheld my previous mths wages and said i'd get paid in full at end of 12mths. I was distraught and begged her the only person i could talk to was the gardener,who decided to help me get home in the middle of the night i ran away never to return,my brother sent me the fare. After that experience i gave au-pairing a miss and did bar work in Spain for two yrs,when i look back now i drank everyday 3days a week excessively then i worked as a stewardess on a billionaires motorboat,i'd 5days off in 4mths and found i regularly drank a bottle of wine before bedtime out of boredom and loneliness. After 8countries i came home to settle met a man i thought i'd spend rest of my life with and had 2kids.we split up 3yrs ago and i've drunk a bottle of wine every night since ashamed to say i love the numb warm familiar feeling it gives me like peace. But at weekends i can't explain what happens but lately i've heard me being described as crazy,when i was younger i thought that was cool but not now. My close friends say i'm always a good laugh i dance all night but a wrong look or word from anyone and i disolve into a suicidal mess.paranoia played a big part in wrecking any chance i've had with any date since i become obsessed that they're only using me and will dump me first opportunity i settled for guys below standard in the hope they'd appreciate me more!course they didn't. My family are embarrassed at my dancing and now i've a squint when i get tipsey i don't want to be making a fool of myself yet feel so shy and boring without alcohol..I want to quit for my children and me last yr i attempted suicide twice and dont find psychiatric treatment helpful,i don't have a mental illness im just sad and scared. I'm on strong anti-depressants but find it near impossible to quit alcohol completely even though i've giving the village where i live plenty fodder after this christmas.I want to live a life without regret. I want to quit.
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