I first began writing my journal in January 2012. I thought i'd post today's excerpt for those who like to read.
Day 5. September 18 2014
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I had an amazing couple of dreams last night. My first dream involved a rather attractive (and beautifully tanned) naked girl, which was very exciting. She was suggesting to me that if I got bored I could join her in her room later. (it was at this point I realized it was unfortunately just a dream, damn!)
The second dream involved another even more attractive girl, unfortunately she was clothed and just wanted to hold my hand as we wandered through town. All of a sudden, two gun men jumped out on us as we wandered through an alley in the old part of the town in which I grew up (or at least snippets of the town), shooting off pistols over a wall at another guy trying to get away. All very violent!
At which point we calmly walked out into the street and I guided the girl safely to a coffee shop (this is getting weird huh!). In the coffee shop we sat down for a coffee with a group of people, one of which was the naked girl from the first dream (only clothed this time). She was smoking a cigarette (yuck!) and acting very flirtatiously and with allure.
The dream ended, with me walking into a watch shop with an old antique clock, asking the guy how much it would be to mend my clock. The clock was shattered and some of the pieces had dropped around on the floor which I scrabbled around to try and recover. ?30 he replied. Then my alarm went off for work.
Damn! I was bloody well enjoying my dream. Weird as it was, I woke up in a strangely excited mood that my head was clear enough to remember it. I cannot remember the last time I even recall anything like a dream first thing in the morning. It put me in a really great mood.
After a shitty night?s sleep on Tuesday (day 2) where I woke up absolutely soaking in the night (I can?t remember ever feeling quite that ?wet? in the middle of the night ever before) and feeling desperate for water, last night (day 3) I slept like a log.
I?m getting the odd craving, but I am waiting for the really difficult days to start. Do you know, I haven?t read all of my journal yet from last time (i.e. the first 50 odd pages of this book) but Its like d?j? vu in some ways, as I?m feeling the Phoney War syndrome. I?m sure I?ve written some of this before.
Britain declared war on Germany in 1939, and so England battened down its hatches ready for the German onslaught. It took 6 months before the bombs dropped.
This is how my sobriety feels. I worry that the first ?bad day? is coming. I?m bracing myself for it. Tomorrow could be it. Friday. The ?first weekend? of sobriety. It won?t be the first weekend (in recent times) that I have gone without alcohol. I?ve done it a number of times before.
Did this recently in Saudi Arabia for example, but it was different then as I knew I would be able to get my ?reward? on the plane coming back. You guessed it. I drank 6 cans of Budweiser and 4 mini bottles of wine on the plane. XXXX (my driver) predictably reminded me that I smelled of drink on the way home and asked me if I was okay.
XXXX (my driver) is in a interesting guy. I?ve always had a habit of sharing my life story with taxi drivers. They are easy to talk to. For the most part you?re never going to see them again. Particularly the Scottish ones, they seem to have an affinity with people who drink.
In 2008, I remember discussing the peer pressure I was feeling, at the idea of giving up drinking? he cheerily suggested to me that I should ?Ne?er mind whadanother man thinks wee man?. It galvanised my resolve in those early days. I will need some of that in the next few weeks.
I?m glad I took it easy on Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday, was kind of an okay day (although I did feel unnecessarily stressed near the end of the afternoon ? a bit short tempered about going away on business). But when I hit the road I was very relaxed.
I arrived at my two friend's later that evening, and it was just the easiest most natural thing to turn down the inevitable wine and beer. I asked them if they had any non-alcoholic beer. They said no. I said: ?what have you got then?. They said: ?err? beer?? (no thanks), ?err wine? (no thanks), ?err? water (to great laughter)? to which I ceremoniously said ?great that will be perfect. Even more laughter.
I am not as intimidated by what people might think of me this time around. It is less ceremonial. I feel I do not need to publicise to the world that I am ?tee total? (what a stupid statement that is ? it has such a negative stigma to it. I am not tee fucking total, never want to be referred to using such a stupid stigmatic phrase thanks). I don?t feel the urge to go out and tell 100 people (which I did first time round as a ?preventative measure?.
I figured that If I told everybody that I was no longer a drinker, then that would in some way prevent me from having a drink. Here is the rather inane thesaurus of ?never again to be naively stated statements?:
I had a lovely meal, some great company and did not even think about beer or wine once. However, it did not go unnoticed.
I have said it once before I am sure in my journal, but it bore itself again last night. It seems that you are more noticed if you don?t drink than you are if you do. It is a sad idiom, and a sad reality of life in the UK that we are more a nation of drinkers that we are not. Drink is the underbelly of the British psyche.
Be you English, Irish, Scottish or Welsh, you all love a good knees-up. The nation expects the rest of the nation to drink along, and the vast majority of us cannot muster the strength to challenge that status quo. How can the non-drinker ever be in the majority, they will forever be, outnumbered. This is where drinking and smoking differ completely.
If you smoke, you are definitely in the minority. Villified for it. ?Its disgusting?, ?its vile? its ?cancer in a stick?. Yet nobody says that about someone downing their 6th pint of ale or their 2nd bottle of wine. Its ?mmmm what a delightful glass of pinot?. I find the social acceptance of alcohol, makes it far harder to give up. You are a social outcast if you do not drink in this country.
Last weekend, a guy said to me that he did not ?particularly like? a musician friend of mine because he thought he was a bit ?weird?. When I asked him why, he said it was because he never ?mixes?. On probing further, I identified that his ability to mingle was not at the heart of his statement. It was code for ?He doesn?t drink? (and yes this is true, my friend is tee-total. He also collects star wars figures which does make him a little weird but the guy is not aware of that so I will keep that between you and me).
It is just a fact of life, that if you don?t drink, people who do drink (i.e. the majority) will always think there is something wrong with you, because you don?t.
I draw only one conclusion from this as I once again try to come to terms with my addiction. That is, that it is crucially important to develop a healthy self image as a non-drinker. To be proud of my new religion, and not ashamed of it.
My friend had a glass of wine, but drank hers slowly and did not even go for another. It occurs to me, that she drinks more when I am there because she expects me to have ?just one more?. Would she drink more, if I were not there drinking with her? She is a doctor. Perhaps this may come up in the debate in another 6 months time when I am still alcohol free and we are discussing it after dinner.
It is apparent to me that much of my drinking, happens AFTER the first drink (point being that the first one leads to the rest). I mean, the window in my drinking that is done without thinking.
I liken it to eating popcorn during a movie at the cinema. You buy a huge bucket of it, but its gone by time you get through the first half hour; gone without you even noticing it.
It is like a tap that I cannot switch off. For me, it is like a sink with the plug half out. You keep topping it up but the sink never feels full. That is until you get to the end of the night and you are pouring more wine or beer down one?s throat than the sink can quite cope with. This is the way I drink. I cannot stop and I never do.
Once I start, unless there is a firm reason to stop I don?t. Unless I HAVE to get up early for work, or have run out of gas? then I don?t stop. This is me.
I?ve found it easy every night so far (okay, so this is only the first week lets not get carried away). I know there are hard times ahead.
But as I drove home, I listened to the story of the ?Ad Man?. He described his story working in advertising in the 80?s. He chain-smoked (yep me in my 20?s) and became a full-on alcoholic (yep, me in my 30?s and 40?s) and all of a sudden discovered marathon running at the age of 42. The story was, that he had not only just completed an 82 mile run (unreal distance oh my god!) but had also just swum the channel.
He explained that he discovered that upon finally managing to give up alcohol he couldn?t believe how his new found passion for fitness had been so buried all his life. Masked out by his alcohol addiction.
The interviewer asked him if he had any advice for anyone in their 30s or 40s who finds their life buried under the social oppression of alcohol, smoking or drug addiction. His reply was so perfect I can recite every line.
?When you?re an alcoholic, you think that giving up alcohol will mean less choices. Like you are somehow ?restricting? your life. Like you have to life your life without the freedom that others have (to drink). But it?s not like that at all, it?s the opposite. You all of a sudden discover that you have so many more choices. So many things you didn?t even realize you were capable of. So many new ways to think. So many challenges to fulfill. It?s like discovering the freedom to do whatever you want in your life?.
I was so inspired by hearing this guy talk about his story (mainly because it bore so many parallels to my own) that I found myself WANTING the feeling again of running those four marathons. The freedom of life during 2008-2010 when I was last sober. The freedom of feeling able to do whatever I wanted with my life. It came flooding back to me. I am not afraid to admit that it brought me nearly to tears.
I got home this evening, to that wonderful feeling of ?wholeness? meeting (my daughter) at the front door; my beautiful children. To be able to hear her say to me (at bedtime) ?I love you Dad?, means so much more to me knowing that I am sober. Its almost like I am for once, deserved of the love. I certainly haven?t deserved it the past six years.
I remind myself that sobriety has a frail fragility about it.
The first steps must be trodden carefully and purposefully, for sobriety is precious. X
Day 5. September 18 2014
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I had an amazing couple of dreams last night. My first dream involved a rather attractive (and beautifully tanned) naked girl, which was very exciting. She was suggesting to me that if I got bored I could join her in her room later. (it was at this point I realized it was unfortunately just a dream, damn!)
The second dream involved another even more attractive girl, unfortunately she was clothed and just wanted to hold my hand as we wandered through town. All of a sudden, two gun men jumped out on us as we wandered through an alley in the old part of the town in which I grew up (or at least snippets of the town), shooting off pistols over a wall at another guy trying to get away. All very violent!
At which point we calmly walked out into the street and I guided the girl safely to a coffee shop (this is getting weird huh!). In the coffee shop we sat down for a coffee with a group of people, one of which was the naked girl from the first dream (only clothed this time). She was smoking a cigarette (yuck!) and acting very flirtatiously and with allure.
The dream ended, with me walking into a watch shop with an old antique clock, asking the guy how much it would be to mend my clock. The clock was shattered and some of the pieces had dropped around on the floor which I scrabbled around to try and recover. ?30 he replied. Then my alarm went off for work.
Damn! I was bloody well enjoying my dream. Weird as it was, I woke up in a strangely excited mood that my head was clear enough to remember it. I cannot remember the last time I even recall anything like a dream first thing in the morning. It put me in a really great mood.
After a shitty night?s sleep on Tuesday (day 2) where I woke up absolutely soaking in the night (I can?t remember ever feeling quite that ?wet? in the middle of the night ever before) and feeling desperate for water, last night (day 3) I slept like a log.
I?m getting the odd craving, but I am waiting for the really difficult days to start. Do you know, I haven?t read all of my journal yet from last time (i.e. the first 50 odd pages of this book) but Its like d?j? vu in some ways, as I?m feeling the Phoney War syndrome. I?m sure I?ve written some of this before.
Britain declared war on Germany in 1939, and so England battened down its hatches ready for the German onslaught. It took 6 months before the bombs dropped.
This is how my sobriety feels. I worry that the first ?bad day? is coming. I?m bracing myself for it. Tomorrow could be it. Friday. The ?first weekend? of sobriety. It won?t be the first weekend (in recent times) that I have gone without alcohol. I?ve done it a number of times before.
Did this recently in Saudi Arabia for example, but it was different then as I knew I would be able to get my ?reward? on the plane coming back. You guessed it. I drank 6 cans of Budweiser and 4 mini bottles of wine on the plane. XXXX (my driver) predictably reminded me that I smelled of drink on the way home and asked me if I was okay.
XXXX (my driver) is in a interesting guy. I?ve always had a habit of sharing my life story with taxi drivers. They are easy to talk to. For the most part you?re never going to see them again. Particularly the Scottish ones, they seem to have an affinity with people who drink.
In 2008, I remember discussing the peer pressure I was feeling, at the idea of giving up drinking? he cheerily suggested to me that I should ?Ne?er mind whadanother man thinks wee man?. It galvanised my resolve in those early days. I will need some of that in the next few weeks.
I?m glad I took it easy on Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday, was kind of an okay day (although I did feel unnecessarily stressed near the end of the afternoon ? a bit short tempered about going away on business). But when I hit the road I was very relaxed.
I arrived at my two friend's later that evening, and it was just the easiest most natural thing to turn down the inevitable wine and beer. I asked them if they had any non-alcoholic beer. They said no. I said: ?what have you got then?. They said: ?err? beer?? (no thanks), ?err wine? (no thanks), ?err? water (to great laughter)? to which I ceremoniously said ?great that will be perfect. Even more laughter.
I am not as intimidated by what people might think of me this time around. It is less ceremonial. I feel I do not need to publicise to the world that I am ?tee total? (what a stupid statement that is ? it has such a negative stigma to it. I am not tee fucking total, never want to be referred to using such a stupid stigmatic phrase thanks). I don?t feel the urge to go out and tell 100 people (which I did first time round as a ?preventative measure?.
I figured that If I told everybody that I was no longer a drinker, then that would in some way prevent me from having a drink. Here is the rather inane thesaurus of ?never again to be naively stated statements?:
- The rather arrogant? ?Oh yeah I?ve given up drink. Given it up on health grounds"
- The even bolder (with added stupidity factor of 10) ?Yep, I drank my last ever drink 3 months ago? (Christ this one makes me shudder)And finally the chestnut of all chestnuts?
The na?ve (and frankly stupid) ?No thanks I don?t drink?
I had a lovely meal, some great company and did not even think about beer or wine once. However, it did not go unnoticed.
I have said it once before I am sure in my journal, but it bore itself again last night. It seems that you are more noticed if you don?t drink than you are if you do. It is a sad idiom, and a sad reality of life in the UK that we are more a nation of drinkers that we are not. Drink is the underbelly of the British psyche.
Be you English, Irish, Scottish or Welsh, you all love a good knees-up. The nation expects the rest of the nation to drink along, and the vast majority of us cannot muster the strength to challenge that status quo. How can the non-drinker ever be in the majority, they will forever be, outnumbered. This is where drinking and smoking differ completely.
If you smoke, you are definitely in the minority. Villified for it. ?Its disgusting?, ?its vile? its ?cancer in a stick?. Yet nobody says that about someone downing their 6th pint of ale or their 2nd bottle of wine. Its ?mmmm what a delightful glass of pinot?. I find the social acceptance of alcohol, makes it far harder to give up. You are a social outcast if you do not drink in this country.
Last weekend, a guy said to me that he did not ?particularly like? a musician friend of mine because he thought he was a bit ?weird?. When I asked him why, he said it was because he never ?mixes?. On probing further, I identified that his ability to mingle was not at the heart of his statement. It was code for ?He doesn?t drink? (and yes this is true, my friend is tee-total. He also collects star wars figures which does make him a little weird but the guy is not aware of that so I will keep that between you and me).
It is just a fact of life, that if you don?t drink, people who do drink (i.e. the majority) will always think there is something wrong with you, because you don?t.
I draw only one conclusion from this as I once again try to come to terms with my addiction. That is, that it is crucially important to develop a healthy self image as a non-drinker. To be proud of my new religion, and not ashamed of it.
My friend had a glass of wine, but drank hers slowly and did not even go for another. It occurs to me, that she drinks more when I am there because she expects me to have ?just one more?. Would she drink more, if I were not there drinking with her? She is a doctor. Perhaps this may come up in the debate in another 6 months time when I am still alcohol free and we are discussing it after dinner.
It is apparent to me that much of my drinking, happens AFTER the first drink (point being that the first one leads to the rest). I mean, the window in my drinking that is done without thinking.
I liken it to eating popcorn during a movie at the cinema. You buy a huge bucket of it, but its gone by time you get through the first half hour; gone without you even noticing it.
It is like a tap that I cannot switch off. For me, it is like a sink with the plug half out. You keep topping it up but the sink never feels full. That is until you get to the end of the night and you are pouring more wine or beer down one?s throat than the sink can quite cope with. This is the way I drink. I cannot stop and I never do.
Once I start, unless there is a firm reason to stop I don?t. Unless I HAVE to get up early for work, or have run out of gas? then I don?t stop. This is me.
I?ve found it easy every night so far (okay, so this is only the first week lets not get carried away). I know there are hard times ahead.
But as I drove home, I listened to the story of the ?Ad Man?. He described his story working in advertising in the 80?s. He chain-smoked (yep me in my 20?s) and became a full-on alcoholic (yep, me in my 30?s and 40?s) and all of a sudden discovered marathon running at the age of 42. The story was, that he had not only just completed an 82 mile run (unreal distance oh my god!) but had also just swum the channel.
He explained that he discovered that upon finally managing to give up alcohol he couldn?t believe how his new found passion for fitness had been so buried all his life. Masked out by his alcohol addiction.
The interviewer asked him if he had any advice for anyone in their 30s or 40s who finds their life buried under the social oppression of alcohol, smoking or drug addiction. His reply was so perfect I can recite every line.
?When you?re an alcoholic, you think that giving up alcohol will mean less choices. Like you are somehow ?restricting? your life. Like you have to life your life without the freedom that others have (to drink). But it?s not like that at all, it?s the opposite. You all of a sudden discover that you have so many more choices. So many things you didn?t even realize you were capable of. So many new ways to think. So many challenges to fulfill. It?s like discovering the freedom to do whatever you want in your life?.
I was so inspired by hearing this guy talk about his story (mainly because it bore so many parallels to my own) that I found myself WANTING the feeling again of running those four marathons. The freedom of life during 2008-2010 when I was last sober. The freedom of feeling able to do whatever I wanted with my life. It came flooding back to me. I am not afraid to admit that it brought me nearly to tears.
I got home this evening, to that wonderful feeling of ?wholeness? meeting (my daughter) at the front door; my beautiful children. To be able to hear her say to me (at bedtime) ?I love you Dad?, means so much more to me knowing that I am sober. Its almost like I am for once, deserved of the love. I certainly haven?t deserved it the past six years.
I remind myself that sobriety has a frail fragility about it.
The first steps must be trodden carefully and purposefully, for sobriety is precious. X
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