I have been drinking for most of my adult life - which is four decades. Longest I had AF was 29 days when .... you guessed it.... I was so pleased with myself for going 29 days I decided I'd proved my point and there was nothing to prove by going 30. Never tried that again. My drinking habits are weird. If I am in a restaurant or a bar and the wine is a rip off $10 or $12 a glass and I am too cheap to pay that I won't have another glass even if I want one. But sit me down with a bottle at home and watch out.
It really is the case that I take the first drink and the second drink takes me and I have found it impossible to moderate. Over the years the volume of wine has increased from a half a bottle a day to a full bottle a day to a bottle and a 1/4 a day. I binge drink at least twice a week, often more, and no amount of will or resolutions or planning seems to work. I drink to blackout and have a horrible day the next day. I really resent losing days to nausea and tiredness and the resultant misery and loathing that comes along with a hangover. Worse, my judgment is off and if I get to the bottom of a bottle and it somehow isn't enough I'll jump in my car and go grab another.
I need to make some major changes in my personal and professional life and I am scared that I can't accomplish anything unless I drop the chaos and maintain sobriety but I seem incapable of doing so. Funny thing is I do a lot of retreats and when I am in a place where there is no access to alcohol I don't miss it and I dont crave it and I feel great. But the day I get back from retreat I can easily get smashed and undo all my good work.
I have high blood pressure and elevated blood sugar levels and I don't eat or hydrate properly because everything comes secondary to drinking. Some days I just assume that I will have a stroke soon or develop cirrhosis and the thought is almost welcome because I wouldn't have to struggle anymore. Had the worst hangover ever on Monday. Spent the day lying around feeling sick and wasted. Made a vow not to drink till at least Friday. Last night I finished off a bottle.
Didn't want it; didn't need it. Here we are on Wednesday and two horrible hangovers in a week. Very discouraged and tired of being sick and tired.
It really is the case that I take the first drink and the second drink takes me and I have found it impossible to moderate. Over the years the volume of wine has increased from a half a bottle a day to a full bottle a day to a bottle and a 1/4 a day. I binge drink at least twice a week, often more, and no amount of will or resolutions or planning seems to work. I drink to blackout and have a horrible day the next day. I really resent losing days to nausea and tiredness and the resultant misery and loathing that comes along with a hangover. Worse, my judgment is off and if I get to the bottom of a bottle and it somehow isn't enough I'll jump in my car and go grab another.
I need to make some major changes in my personal and professional life and I am scared that I can't accomplish anything unless I drop the chaos and maintain sobriety but I seem incapable of doing so. Funny thing is I do a lot of retreats and when I am in a place where there is no access to alcohol I don't miss it and I dont crave it and I feel great. But the day I get back from retreat I can easily get smashed and undo all my good work.
I have high blood pressure and elevated blood sugar levels and I don't eat or hydrate properly because everything comes secondary to drinking. Some days I just assume that I will have a stroke soon or develop cirrhosis and the thought is almost welcome because I wouldn't have to struggle anymore. Had the worst hangover ever on Monday. Spent the day lying around feeling sick and wasted. Made a vow not to drink till at least Friday. Last night I finished off a bottle.
Didn't want it; didn't need it. Here we are on Wednesday and two horrible hangovers in a week. Very discouraged and tired of being sick and tired.
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