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Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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    Sick and tired of being sick and tired

    I have been drinking for most of my adult life - which is four decades. Longest I had AF was 29 days when .... you guessed it.... I was so pleased with myself for going 29 days I decided I'd proved my point and there was nothing to prove by going 30. Never tried that again. My drinking habits are weird. If I am in a restaurant or a bar and the wine is a rip off $10 or $12 a glass and I am too cheap to pay that I won't have another glass even if I want one. But sit me down with a bottle at home and watch out.

    It really is the case that I take the first drink and the second drink takes me and I have found it impossible to moderate. Over the years the volume of wine has increased from a half a bottle a day to a full bottle a day to a bottle and a 1/4 a day. I binge drink at least twice a week, often more, and no amount of will or resolutions or planning seems to work. I drink to blackout and have a horrible day the next day. I really resent losing days to nausea and tiredness and the resultant misery and loathing that comes along with a hangover. Worse, my judgment is off and if I get to the bottom of a bottle and it somehow isn't enough I'll jump in my car and go grab another.

    I need to make some major changes in my personal and professional life and I am scared that I can't accomplish anything unless I drop the chaos and maintain sobriety but I seem incapable of doing so. Funny thing is I do a lot of retreats and when I am in a place where there is no access to alcohol I don't miss it and I dont crave it and I feel great. But the day I get back from retreat I can easily get smashed and undo all my good work.

    I have high blood pressure and elevated blood sugar levels and I don't eat or hydrate properly because everything comes secondary to drinking. Some days I just assume that I will have a stroke soon or develop cirrhosis and the thought is almost welcome because I wouldn't have to struggle anymore. Had the worst hangover ever on Monday. Spent the day lying around feeling sick and wasted. Made a vow not to drink till at least Friday. Last night I finished off a bottle.
    Didn't want it; didn't need it. Here we are on Wednesday and two horrible hangovers in a week. Very discouraged and tired of being sick and tired.

    #2
    Hi, MaryJo and welcome back to MWO!

    Your story is very familiar to many of us here because what you are describing is caused by alcohol. I also got the messed up blood sugar due to the effects of alcohol on the liver and have to keep on top of that (hence my screen name).

    If your goal is to quit drinking entirely, or at least for a good stretch of time, the Newbies Nest is a great place to hang out. It is one of the busier threads and everyone is very supportive of one another.

    I'm sorry you're feeling awful but the good news is, you never have to feel this way again. Today could be your last "day 1".

    Take good care of yourself, NS

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      #3
      Hi MJ, and :welcome: to MWO,

      As NS said, your story is very familiar to all of us. I am back on the site, after another relapse and, like you, am tired of being sick and tired and ready to be well again. Please join us in the newbies nest!
      :heartbeat:

      Star:star:

      08-13-15

      I am only one drink away from never being sober again.

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        #4
        Hi Maryjo. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know how you feel. But as Nosugar said, you never have to feel like this again. The freedom from alcohol is so worth the initial struggle. Hang in there.
        No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.

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          #5
          Hi MJ, welcome to mwo.
          I was much like you, on the merry go round and did not think i could find a way off. Really didnt care if i was here or not, each day ended the same and each day started the same also.
          I did realised in my fog induced brain that i either needed to make an effort to get out of the hole or it would swallow me up and i would lose everything i held dear.
          Being on here daily, like a lunatic in the beginning and being accountable helped me so much.
          its a whole change of mindset and a whole new life and today i would not give it up for anyone. Its the hardest thing i have ever done in my life but so very worth it.
          As NS said head over to the newbies nest and settle in. You wont regret a single day sober if you put the time and energy into it.
          AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

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            #6
            Thanks to all for the support. I have been computer-less for a few days so unable to check in but I will take everyone's advice and try to be diligent about checking in daily. This is a great place.

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