Death was close.

[Dave_]

Hi all,

I have fought this thing hard for 6 years now. I have had three medical detoxes and two 28 day rehab stints.
In September last year my long suffering wife finally through me out. I landed on my mothers couch.
I stopped doing everything. I didn't go to work. I only went outside to walk to the bottle shop.
I became everything that is disgusting in a human being.
I would throw up while crashed out on the couch and I would just go back to sleep.
I hit lows that I didn't know existed. I cared for no one and nothing except the next drink.
I missed my daughters 13th birthday, she didn't want me there.
The darkness that enveloped me can only be understood by those that have been there. It is all encompassing and devastating.
I stopped eating all together.
I just stopped everything.
On the 15th of December I crashed my car and got hauled in by the police. I lost my licence on the spot for what they call high range drink driving.
My sister found me another rehab, a private clinic, in a pretty beachside town. They had no detox department, only rehab so I had to detox for 2 days before I went in.
I vomited the whole time. I blew .000 when I was admitted but due to no eating my potassium levels were at dangerously low levels.
In a haze of valium I heard the nurse and doctor arguing over whether I should be transferred to the closest ICU as they felt I was beyond their ability to help. The nurse fought for me and the doctor walked out in a huff and said that if I died during the night it would be on her head.
This lovely lady sat with me all night as I threw up the lining of my stomach with the acid of my stomach burning through my throat until I was only throwing up blood.
That night was the 25th of January.
I did my 28 days and for the first time I listened. I learned and I opened myself up to healing. Having said that those 28 days were a cocoon of understanding and nurturing people who didn't judge me.
On several occasions I was told that if I had left it one more week, I wasn't going to rehab, I was going to the morgue.
Then I got out.
I had taken my life and smashed it into a million different pieces, the most fucked up jigsaw puzzle, if you like, of all time.
I have been sober since the 23rd of Jan, and now I am trying to tape all the parts of my broken life back together.
It's hard. Some days I wake up and know that my day is not just a walk in the park, I have to continue to rebuild.
No believes me. No one trusts me. I understand that. I deserve that.
I go to AA, I go to councillors and I try.
I have done so much damage that nothing I do is good enough, but I also understand that time is the factor here.
Some things will never be repaired, some will. I can live with this.
My brush with death changed me in ways I cannot yet properly articulate. I am new and I am different. People who knew me now struggle to connect with me. They have to meet me all over again, my kids included.
I get kicked by angry people every day but for the very first time in my life my resolve is unshakable.
I am sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused. I am sorry for the lies and deceit. I can not change them, I can only make today the best I can.
There are so many things to fix and so many sorrys to say that I just have to work through them bit by bit.
I'm not a victim, I am the master of my own destiny.
It's called a disease, I call it a war.
I wear dog tags now. One side of one says "Sometimes the battle is lost" The other side says " But the war will be won"
I will win this one, I am not going to let it kill me like it has so many others.
I will survive.

[Byrdlady]

What a story of tragedy and triumph. Im so optimistic about your future! You are so right, only another addict could understand the power of this addiction. Welcome back, we are so glad you're here! Hugs, Byrdie

[Guitarista]

Welcome back Dave. Thanks for your powerful post.

Wishing you all the best mate. G

[Pie]

Welcome back, Dave! So glad you're here.

[Samstone]

glad you're back!

[Dave_]

In all honesty it was complacency. I thought I was cured and I could have a couple of drinks with the guys. When i started drinking again I was straight back to day one within days. I have never drank so much before in my life. I learned the hard way that this is life long and I will never be cured but I will always have to be vigilant.
There is nothing I can pin point that started it all again except for that first drink. I was gone from the moment that beer hit my system. Within 3 or 4 days I was back to a bottle of vodka a day and within a couple of weeks I was at 2 a day.
I always have to learn the hard way.

[available]

Thank you for a wonderful heartfelt post Dave. Glad to have you back with acceptance that you are done.
I am always interested in why others relapse in the hope that it is something that i dont do. I work at my sobriety every day and your story reinforces this to me.

[Spiritfree]

Don't be so hard on yourself.....most, if not everybody, learns 'the hard way'.

There will come a day if you get your head around this when you will choose not to drink because you do not WANT to, rather than because you CAN'T.

Again I suggest you look at 3Ps. It will truly change your mind.

Kuya, I know that you mean well and want to help others, but please try to understand that someone that is in the throes of true alcohol addiction and the associated brain disorder or not able nor wanting to read anything about the 3-Ps unless that stands for Pint, Pint, Pint of alcohol.

Also, please try and understand when you tell an addict to "get there head around", you only end up antagonizing them and making them feel even "more less than".
Again, I know that you mean well, but please consider your choice of words when addressing someone who is truly hurting from the brain (AUD) disorder.