Open Letter to My Sister

[thirdsister]

Open Letter to My Sister

clarification

Hello everyone. I am new to this site. And I am Yabasta's sister (yup, there's another one). Yab told me about the letter she posted here and that our sister found out about it. Although I don't know the content of the letter, I feel I have a pretty good idea of what it might have contained. So I logged on, interested to see what the response to Yab's post. And I must say, thank you to everyone for being so honest and gentle in your responses. I trust you have been equally kind with our sister...thank you for that too.

I share Yab's feelings of extreme love and compassion juxtaposed with anger and resentment. I love her terribly and (having experienced four years of depression myself) have great empathy and compassion for the depths of her pain and struggle to retain any semblance of hope for recovery. Yet, I too am angry at how she treats our parents. And, more selfishly, I resent not being able to go to my oldest sister with my fears, joys, triumphs and failures. If I'm sad, I fear I will only feed into her sadness. If I am happy, I fear I will only depress her with my happiness. I've spent most of my life walking on eggshells, anxiously awaiting when a wrong move or wrong word would set her off her temper or tears.

Anway, I do have a question, which is why I set up an account (can't post with out it). A lot of you have given the advice of trying to curb the judgements against our troubled sister and to just be as supportive as possible. Can you be more specific about what is and isn't supportive? Up until a few months ago, no matter how angry or frustrated our sister was with our parents or how distant she felt from Yab, she would still talk to me. I'm not sure what changed, I've always tried to be as honest as possible with her and at the same time optimistic about any type of recovery program she wanted to try, but she has pretty much stopped talking to me too (I did talk to her a couples times a week or so ago while she was staying with my parents for a short while). So, my question is...what is supportive? What does that mean? Because what I find supportive she may find irritating, demeaning, or overbearing.

Appreciate your points of view.
3rd sister

[A Work in Progress]

Open Letter to My Sister

That's a great question, Third. It's easy to be supportive to people who are succeeding, of course. But how to be supportive to those you love, when they are struggling, and not apparently succeeding much at all? You will get different answers from different people here about how best to do that; opinions vary considerably. The range, I think, extends from what is sometimes called a "tough love" approach (challenging people to get moving, to succeed), to one in which there is very little in the way of challenge, but a lot of sympathy and "hugs."

I think that most of us advocate and use the approach that we think would be most helpful, if we were the one getting the "support"; I know that when I am not doing well, I benefit a lot from being challenged (if it is done with some compassion), and not so much from being unconditionally hugged. Of course it is best to try to discern what the person you are dealing with (in this case your sister) would most benefit from, and that is often hard to figure out.

Welcome, and best wishes.

wip

[nancy]

Open Letter to My Sister

Hi Third Sister,

I can see why you are mad about what she is doing to your parents. But I still think it is up to them to do something about that. Hopefully she will move out and it will ease the family arguments.

Work in Progress said it very well. Some people respond to someone giving them tough love and telling them to get their sh** together. For others it would be a slam.

For me, there's a big difference between seomeone telling you in a kind, concerned way "You have a problem and need to do something about it." and someone screaming at you that you are f***ed up.

In terms of being supportive, just like with any illness, you could suggest books or support groups, treatments you might read about, ideas about things she can do for her back problem (she has one doesn't she?), tips on jobs. You can also emphasize, saying she doesn't seem happy, you have been depressed before and came through it.

Bring up what she could be if she had this under control. I imagine she has talents she is not using, a life she really isn't living. Drinking is such a phenomenal waste of time. Or being supportive could simply mean not being harsh and judgemental.

It's probably painful that she doesn't contact you now but I really hope you don't take this personally. It could be about the family dynamics or just that she is going through something herself. She might be really self-absorbed.

Even though I suggest ideas for being supportive, I think it's really up to her to do something about this. Sometimes professionals are in a better position to help because they can look at the problem from a distance.

I hope you all get your relationships back.

Nancy

[Waiting for his way out]

Open Letter to My Sister

Third Sister, I mentioned this before in an earlier post. Please buy the book "co-dependent no more" it is not expensive and it will answer a lot of your questions about support and behavior from those who are dealing with an alcoholic in the family. Everyone should read the book and formulate a plan, together, how to support your wonderful AL sister who needs you.
Understand and following the rules of co-dependency is not easy, it takes work, but it is worth it. Let me know if you need help.

[bloggy]

Open Letter to My Sister

Hi Third Sister

I can only talk of personal experience and my own character when I say what I would find supportive.

I would like a friend or family member to tell me they know I am in a bad place and if there is anything they can do, or if I would like a chat in confidence, that they will be there for me- and basically that is all.

I doubt I would take anyone up on their offer, but it would be nice to know I wasn't being judged.

If they tried to force me to talk, or lecture me I would run a bloody mile! (And to the nearest bar, I might add).

[Rachelita]

Open Letter to My Sister

Fuck off

[Rachelita]

Open Letter to My Sister

wow, sorry about that... I'm not typically a mean drunk. Suppose I'm just mad at my sister...

[Waiting for his way out]

Open Letter to My Sister

we know. I know.. my husband has said horrific things to me while drunk. I always thought they were true until I came here and found out from others, he did not mean it. AND, he did not even remember saying them.
so, move on and take care

[Rachelita]

Open Letter to My Sister

xo

:l