female - need male perspective

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Guitarista;1199451 wrote: Hiya RC,

Can i ask, and tell me to mind my own business, but are you able see your kids at all? That must be so bloody difficult.

Honestly, it has had me in a life threatening emotional state more than once. Never taken any steps and never would but the pain and sense of helplessness has been immobilizing at times.

Here's a recent post of mine to a newbie in my support group for PAS:

XX is my oldest daughter. I've been alienated from her, XX (daughter) and XX(son) pretty much since 2001-2003. They all succumbed to the pressures (read brainwashing to not only not trust me but fear me without logic as you know) one by one over that period. XX(oldest) has been opening up since October of last year. It's a huge learning curve and I still miss my other two very much. I try maybe every couple of months to send simple messages of love to them with no response. Well, a couple from XX(son) that weren't very nice. All in all my kids were not really "nasty" with me, because I intuitively would not allow it but the flip side of that was that we didn't have much contact for many years.

G my other group is international as well, with some parents from OZ and NZ as well. Some are just beginning to realize what is really happening with their kids, others are reuniting precariously as I am, some have rebuilt relationships after 20 years and some are still hoping after that amount of time.

It really is psychological abuse that the court system needs to address and not use it as a cash cow while innocent people ARE being terrorized/victimized. It is unconscionable to use one's own children to destroy the partner that left them.

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Guitarista;1199458 wrote: I don't agree. Addiction is addiction. It is ruthless, the same story/theme for everyone, and difficult to control once we have crossed that line to 'problem drinker/substance abuser'. But our way out of addiction can take many shapes and forms.

There are levels of addiction imo. In the case of a porn addict, their level might be such that even driving by a sexually suggestive billboard would trigger and intense need (activate that brain chemistry) to get out the material and get lost in it for hours. Whereas one with a lower level of addiction would not have that intense experience.

What I really meant is that there are many addictions: sex, love, food, tv, alcohol, drugs(street and prescription), gambling, shopping, control even. Anything that ignites the neuroreceptors into overdrive and compels a person to get a fix.

So our way out will take many shapes and forms depending on the particular addiction(including cross addictions) and the level of addiction. My take on it.

[Lost Soul]

female - need male perspective

RC - Im so sorry about your alienation from your two children, I couldnt imagine how awful that wud feel. Im glad you have been able to connect with your eldest, I can imagine this gives you great hope.
Messages of love for them no matter whether reciprocated mean more than you can imagine - Never give up, always keep fighting for them and one day they will be ready.

I admire your perserverance with mod, i hope you can find your level. As al is such a huge part of our normal society, i really appreciate the effect having to go af changes your life.

I have come to realise i can never manage that so for me af was the only way. Only now after such a relatively long AF period can I see how much it affected me and I used it as a coping mechanism for negative feelings.

Guitarista - Im not sure if I took you up wrong but you mensioned about dwelling in the past - I think in that context it is not healthy but certainly part of my healing and recovery - is to look to the past. Now that i can see more clearly i was burying hurts and using al to take away pain. While i was using i found it hard to see this - and the longer i am af the more i realise that feeling all the hurt is ok and working through it with talking and reflecting is leaving me in a more emotionally strong place

RC and Guitarista - I agree with you both:

Addiction is addiction - It slowly takes you on a path of madness where you lie, hurt and use, become selfish and self-obsessed - and is progressive, if you let it, it takes a bigger hold of you and slowly who you were before becomes less and less. This is the same for all addiction

However, there are levels, and the user themself, social acceptance and availabilily all are huge factors on how deep the addiction will go and how fast an addict can seek help.

I think alot of porn addicts stay exactly there - at that point, they don't go any futher but I know that that serious sex offenders all started there.
Likewise I remember reading here how someone was so desperate for AL if they vomited they would do it in a glass and drink it because they didn't want to waste a drop, maddness.

People typically think of an alcoholic and they think of a homeless drunk on the street - where AL has robbed them of everything, any of us could be there if we don't take action NOW.

[Accountable for Me]

female - need male perspective

Ah, I know how you must feel.

My ex is a porn addict. I would be working and he would be at home 'looking' for work; meanwhile my computer's history file was riddled with porn. It had been a problem a couple of times.... he said he would stop, and didn't. He even resorted to 'exercise videos' on u-tube to get his jollies as this wasn't 'technically' porn. I was so hurt. I was in a completely non-intimate relationship with him. He would rather do what he needed to do and neglect me. Even when he was confronted on many occasions he didn't change. I kicked him out.

I definitely did not need to feel I wasn't 'good' enough. Neither do you! I hope he can get the help he needs and maybe you guys can fix your relationship.

Congrats on your new baby and your 11 months of sobriety!! xo

[Guitarista]

female - need male perspective

RingingCedars;1199495 wrote:

What I really meant is that there are many addictions: sex, love, food, tv, alcohol, drugs(street and prescription), gambling, shopping, control even. Anything that ignites the neuroreceptors into overdrive and compels a person to get a fix.

So our way out will take many shapes and forms depending on the particular addiction(including cross addictions) and the level of addiction. My take on it.
Yep.

Lost Soul;1199662 wrote: RC - Im so sorry about your alienation from your two children, I couldnt imagine how awful that wud feel. Im glad you have been able to connect with your eldest, I can imagine this gives you great hope.
Messages of love for them no matter whether reciprocated mean more than you can imagine - Never give up, always keep fighting for them and one day they will be ready.

Well said LS.

Guitarista - Im not sure if I took you up wrong but you mensioned about dwelling in the past - I think in that context it is not healthy but certainly part of my healing and recovery - is to look to the past. Now that i can see more clearly i was burying hurts and using al to take away pain. While i was using i found it hard to see this - and the longer i am af the more i realise that feeling all the hurt is ok and working through it with talking and reflecting is leaving me in a more emotionally strong place.

I agree with you LS. I was referring more to the common dwelling on past emotionally stressful events without trying to resolve them, that many folk do for years. Sort of 'staying stuck' in a certain memory. This will just eat us away from the inside, and continue to do damage until we address it. Of course, this process can be too painful for many, and that is another subject. Great you are working through stuff and coming out stronger.

Hang in there RC! You are a great mum! :h

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Accountable for Me;1199666 wrote: Ah, I know how you must feel.

My ex is a porn addict. I would be working and he would be at home 'looking' for work; meanwhile my computer's history file was riddled with porn. It had been a problem a couple of times.... he said he would stop, and didn't. He even resorted to 'exercise videos' on u-tube to get his jollies as this wasn't 'technically' porn. I was so hurt. I was in a completely non-intimate relationship with him. He would rather do what he needed to do and neglect me. Even when he was confronted on many occasions he didn't change. I kicked him out.

I definitely did not need to feel I wasn't 'good' enough. Neither do you! I hope he can get the help he needs and maybe you guys can fix your relationship.

Congrats on your new baby and your 11 months of sobriety!! xo

It's a convoluted game addiction. Sorry you went through that AFM. Good for you kicking his arse to the curb.

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Lost Soul;1199662 wrote: RC - Im so sorry about your alienation from your two children, I couldnt imagine how awful that wud feel. Im glad you have been able to connect with your eldest, I can imagine this gives you great hope.
Messages of love for them no matter whether reciprocated mean more than you can imagine - Never give up, always keep fighting for them and one day they will be ready.

I admire your perserverance with mod, i hope you can find your level. As al is such a huge part of our normal society, i really appreciate the effect having to go af changes your life.

I have come to realise i can never manage that so for me af was the only way. Only now after such a relatively long AF period can I see how much it affected me and I used it as a coping mechanism for negative feelings.

Guitarista - Im not sure if I took you up wrong but you mensioned about dwelling in the past - I think in that context it is not healthy but certainly part of my healing and recovery - is to look to the past. Now that i can see more clearly i was burying hurts and using al to take away pain. While i was using i found it hard to see this - and the longer i am af the more i realise that feeling all the hurt is ok and working through it with talking and reflecting is leaving me in a more emotionally strong place

RC and Guitarista - I agree with you both:

Addiction is addiction - It slowly takes you on a path of madness where you lie, hurt and use, become selfish and self-obsessed - and is progressive, if you let it, it takes a bigger hold of you and slowly who you were before becomes less and less. This is the same for all addiction

However, there are levels, and the user themself, social acceptance and availabilily all are huge factors on how deep the addiction will go and how fast an addict can seek help.

I think alot of porn addicts stay exactly there - at that point, they don't go any futher but I know that that serious sex offenders all started there.
Likewise I remember reading here how someone was so desperate for AL if they vomited they would do it in a glass and drink it because they didn't want to waste a drop, maddness.

People typically think of an alcoholic and they think of a homeless drunk on the street - where AL has robbed them of everything, any of us could be there if we don't take action NOW.

Thanks for your kind words LS. I want to multi quote your post but I'm on a little 'puter. I think you have some wise words. :l How's the wee one?

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Guitarista;1199691 wrote:

Hang in there RC! You are a great mum! :h

:upset::l

[Lost Soul]

female - need male perspective

ACM - Being in the middle of it is horrible, how long were you in the relationship?
You are so right - no-one should tell you/me anyone that WHO they are not good enough, but it still hurts when someone does.
Sadly my ex and i wont be able to fix things - some hurts are too much. One thing sticks in my mind, when I was 7 and a half months pregnant (with a lovely baby bump!) and I found out he'd been going on live web-cam sites, chats, money, who knows and when I confronted him he said it wasnt like we were doing anything anyway.
Moving on to a happier place...

Guitarista - So sad, when some can't see a way through. I think we all can relate to that, at some point in our lives - it's not a nice place to be, feeling lost.

RC - I dunno bout wise, Im trying to plan for the future I want for me and my babies, knowing alot is uncertain but focusing on what I can effect change for the better - myself!
I'm also looking back at my past and am grateful for how far I have come. And one thing is certain I do not want in 20 years to have wasted my life in a horrible relationship, as a drunk and a terrible role model for her children.
How are you finding moding? Can you regulate your level or is it hard to stop from wanting more?

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

LS--I think you will be splendid in your future. While other addictions in partners are difficult and may or may not involve lying to hide the addiction, the porn addict is a bit different situation. We do, as their partner, take it very personally. It is very hard not to. In any relationship trust is critical and the porn addict tends to be more crafty at hiding and denying their addiction. (maybe not and it's entirely the personal degradation that we feel)

Anyhoo, I am feeling strong in my control of al these days. Due to one of G's post I finally bit the bullet and poured one glass of wine out of the bottle before I drank it. I did not crave more. I do wish they made a 500-600 ml bottle.

I hope you're staying strong and believing in yourself.

[Lost Soul]

female - need male perspective

RC - That is great, I know standing there, with that mental battle going on in your head, with the wine - it felt good just to pour it away! Every small step when added together makes a real difference - just imagine 1 month from now!

And yes I guess porn addiction is that bit more personal, which is what makes it so hard.

I forgot to add my little ones are doing very well, halloween holidays so my eldest is enjoying the break and lie ins and little baby bambino at nearly 12weeks personality is beginning to really show through!

Stay strong and positive xoxo

[Guitarista]

female - need male perspective

Lost Soul;1201340 wrote: RC - That is great, I know standing there, with that mental battle going on in your head, with the wine - it felt good just to pour it away! Every small step when added together makes a real difference - just imagine 1 month from now!

And yes I guess porn addiction is that bit more personal, which is what makes it so hard.

I forgot to add my little ones are doing very well, halloween holidays so my eldest is enjoying the break and lie ins and little baby bambino at nearly 12weeks personality is beginning to really show through!

Stay strong and positive xoxo

That's fantastic LS. How are you going with your partner moving out etc? Are you happier?

Good job on pouring one glass out RC. lol at 500/600 ml bottles. Would you go for pouring 2 glasses out this week?

[RingingCedars]

female - need male perspective

Guitarista;1201369 wrote: That's fantastic LS. How are you going with your partner moving out etc? Are you happier?

Good job on pouring one glass out RC. lol at 500/600 ml bottles. Would you go for pouring 2 glasses out this week?

You funny:l

[LillyE]

female - need male perspective

My heart goes out to you. I divorced a sex addict husband several years ago and - not to freak you out - I'm not sure I've fully recovered from the experience. It totally blindsided me. I actually thought he was the most devoted, trustworthy husband imaginable. I knew he looked at porn more than I was entirely comfortable with - but it was easy to rationalise, especially as I don't think it's bad per se - but what I knew turned out to be the tip of the iceberg. Affairs, prostitutes, heavy heavy porn use, Adult Friend Finder hook ups and on it goes. It was utterly devastating.

I've absolutely found that finally confronting my own addictions has given me a new, more empathetic perspective on his particular illness/addiction. But, it has to be said, porn/sex addiction just strikes right at the heart of an intimate relationship in a way other addictions don't and the damage to your ability to trust, not just others but yourself, is so enormous.

Sadly, just last night the thing that sent me back to the bottle hard core was learning the guy I've been seeing on and off for over a year, who finally seemed ready for a deeper commitment and had said all these lovely things and we'd agreed on being exclusive... long story short but I learnt he is seeing/sleeping with someone else & lying to me about it. Talk about ripping open an old wound.

Anyway, please feel free to PM me anytime any of you who've dealt with this. I'm happy to listen and also can suggest some references, including Patrick Carr's Book and Recovery Nation website (for those who prefer secular help).

Hugs to you,

L

[Guitarista]

female - need male perspective

Sorry to hear that Lilly.

Onward and upward as best you can friend.

Take care of yourself.

G-bloke.