A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

[hidden_gem]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

NL,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful post.

I honestly have to say, I don't know.

As I said, I have learned that integrity is not just making sure that YOU don't say anything out of order; it also involves speaking up when others do.

And I totally agree; how do you know when this is? I am constantly learning that rules change depending on the situation. So there are no hard and fast rules.

Since I was a teenager (well, ok, it was only ten years ago!), I have sought a lovely established set of rules - I have always just wanted to find the rules so I can be a good girl. Now I realise they don't exist. I'm always going to transgress someone's rules, no matter what I do.

I'm starting to realise that I really do have that "gut feeling." It's in my solar plexus, or in other words, about midway between my "heart" - in the case in the middle of my chest, although of course the heart is not technically situated there - and my belly button.

So my answer is, that if anyone says something that you don't like, and it brings up a feeling in that area, then it is appropriate to say that you don't like what they're saying. Of course, then this also depends on the situation - if the person is your boss, then make sure you are completely sure about what you're saying.

It's not going to be comfortable - it never is. So my suggestion is to do what I have been doing; start it off in situations where it doesn't matter so much what the person thinks of you, and build up from there.

I have to say, the repercussions are NEVER as much as you fear. In fact, so far I have found people respecting me more! (But then again - there hasn't been enough time elapsed to see what happens in the aftermath!)

One more thing - I have only been practising this for a while - I'll have lots more suggestions soon!

Gem x

[tea]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Hi Gem - I DID IT, I actually stood in the 'crowd' at work and said "RIGHT - enough of this for me, I am not going to talk about any of my colleagues when they are not here from now on............" There was silence, then embarrassed giggles, then dispersement of 'the crowd' back to their place of work. Felt good.

Lorna xx

[Java]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

I know what you mean...I do it to, and I feel bad. Mostly I do it about work related stuff. you know complaining about a co-worker. I Have been focusing lately on pretty much doing what you said, thinking about what I am saying and basing it on what I would say if they are in the room.

[southernbelle47]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

:goodjob: You guys!

Love ya!
Nancy
Ps. "Be still and know that He is God".
Ps. 46:10

[hidden_gem]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Good work Lorna! Very brave – and I bet on many conscious and subconscious levels, everyone’s opinion of you increased dramatically!

Victoria – it makes me feel bad too, which is the reason I’ve stopped doing it. I am not going to beat myself up about past behaviour though, since I didn’t know any better then – but just focus on doing the best I can from now on.

Thanks Nancy for the cheer!

Fan… s’all right! As I said, this was MY big lesson… just thought I’d share. And you’re absolutely right – it does apply to all forms of communication.

In Gemworld… well, did I open a whole can of worms. It’s often said in spiritual speak that once you learn a lesson, you get plenty of opportunities to demonstrate that you’ve learnt it properly.

The last week has been Gossip Central in my office. And lots and lots of times I’ve been privy to conversations that at one time would have been juiced up SO much with what I had to offer… oohh… the build-up I could have made to presenting the extra material that I knew that they didn’t, the fun I could have had saying, “Well, you’ll never guess what…”

But this time round, I didn’t feel like that at all. I didn’t feel as if it would have been fun to share this knowledge that I had that they didn’t. In fact, I really started to get uncomfortable about the talk, and found myself changing the subject. Something has really changed in me.

I realise now that I used to separate people into “fun” and “non-fun”, i.e. the ones you could have a good gossip with and the ones you couldn’t. In fact, again, much like the ones you could get drunk with and the ones you couldn’t.

In the old days, I couldn’t wait for the “squares” to get bored and leave, so we could get down to the real gossiping and drinking. I used to feel like some people were superfluous – that they were getting in the way of me having a good time. Now I feel ashamed for ever thinking that way. Because everyone is valuable. I can’t believe I didn’t see that before.

Now, I don’t want to have any kind of conversation that I couldn’t have in full hearing of anyone. I want whatever I say to be able to be heard by anyone. I don’t mean that I’ll never offend anyone – sometimes I will, whether I mean to or not. But I need to be able to stand by what I say, in any situation.

Still learning,

Gem x

[Changeling]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Wow Gem what a thought provoking thread.
I so relate to what you are saying, particularly about categorising people.

I have a friend that never, ever drinks
I first met her a couple of years ago when I was drinking a lot and always thought she was a bit odd, boring, etc. I always felt a little uncomfortable when she was there. (and shamedly talked about her)

However, now that I have the wisdom of sobriety I can really see what a great person she is. So thoughtful, caring & supportive. Now i would much rather be in her company than many of my old (fun) drinking buddies.

Since reading this thread I am so ashamed of the unkind things I used to say about her.
Lesson learned (I hope)
Changeling

[hidden_gem]

A Hard-learned Lesson in Integrity

Thank you Changeling,

I totally agree. There's a woman in my office that I used to write off all the time. I didn't see her as being so much fun as all the others.

But the last few months, I see her for who she really is; an amazing and real person. When she is upset about a situation; she says it like it is. She just says how she feels and then she shuts up. She doesn't rant and rave about a person and she doesn't generalise about them. She just straight out says how she feels.

And when she does, you can hear the truth in her words. It makes me feel humble; because I used to dismiss her; I never saw her as one of the "movers and shakers" in our business.

But she has the potential to be - that is, if she wants to. And even if she isn't, she is still a success. You can tell that she is. On her workstation, she has pictures of all her nieces and nephews, and you can tell that she loves them to bits. She has a cheerleading team that she coaches, and she treats them like her own family - for example, she actually drove one member of the team for an eight-hour journey to an event, while all the rest of the team flew, just because that one member was scared of flying, but she knew it was really important that the whole team be together.

And this is a person that even six months ago I used to ignore. I used to think of her as not being real, or worse, thought of her as being bland.

But it was ME that was not real! I'm so glad that I have the awareness now to see her as she really is. I'm not going to force a friendship now - that would be false - I'm just going to be myself, day in, day out.

I’m looking forward to my new attitude attracting people that are real and honest. I hope it’s going to be a great journey.

Gem x