My AF Journey Journal

[mollyka]

My AF Journey Journal

Paps. I agree with every word that Meech says - and yes you are special to me as well. Quite a few of us (you, me,Meech, Hippyc) started together and I think you form a bond -I've noticed that with people who are here longer than us with others who started at the same time. Try not to worry, the med profession go on with an awful lot of blown up bullshit too - I truly still believe if they were very worried about you they would have you in quickly.
Go have an ice-cream and to hell with the consequences!!!
Molly:l:yourespecial:

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Awww Thanks Meechie and HC!! I feel so loved right now!! I'm not doing great on the veggie for every sugar food but I am trying. I need to go shopping again and really plan to have some good stuff (healthy) in the house I like. Not going to the playdate on Sat due to the heat and humidy predicted so will plan on shopping in AC comfort!!

The week is almost over, my boss has been on vaca so life is good right now (and no tornado last nite!!). Agility went well tonite although hot but it was great to be back after a 2 week hiatus.

Molls, hope the headache has gone by now.

Meechie-hope it's all going well for you this week. Have you needed to take the Nal at all besides on Sun?

DG-sorry about the Broccoli-do you want me to send you some when it comes in? I have huge plants but not seeing any fruit yet. Hope it's not a bust. I'll just freeze it so I can eat it LOL!!

[Meech]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom,

That was a very good point Mollyka said that if it was really serious they would have you in immediately.

Glad agility went well tonight.

As for the Nal, I haven't taken it since last Sunday. I haven't had any big cravings where I felt I was going to cave and needed it so that's been great. Tonight might have been a tough one, I definitely thought about AL a bit more and could sense I may have cravings but LUCKILY we were invited to a Potluck dinner with a bunch of friends that DON'T DRINK. Phew. They haven't drank for years so it is actually uncomfortable to drink around them. So that was my distraction. And we had a lot of fun.

Well gotta get those little ones to bed now so that I can go to bed. Sleeping in tomorrow morning, no workouts planned. Ahhhhhhhhh rest.

I'll check in to see how you are doing tomorrow.
Meechie :h:huggy

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Tough day today. Started out with getting locked out of my house this morning. Key wouldn't turn the lock. Why is it the littlest of things are what reduce you to tears? Had to climb over a fence so I could use the back door key. Almost had to do it again this evening but miraculously the key finally turned. All day long i was snappy snappy snappy. Didn't want to be at work, didn't want to help anyone, was tired, ate way too much etc etc. Was so glad when 5pm came but was greeted with torrential downpours as I made my way to the car. Didn't get home until 7pm. Had really been looking forward to sitting by the pond and reading for a bit but the rain took care of that. Wanted to stop at the liquor store so badly. As HC said, it wasn't a physical craving, it was a habit thing. One of the women in another department was closing up and we were commiserating on how freaking busy it had been all day. I said something about surviving it and she said she couldn't wait to get home and have a nice big glass of wine. OOOOOO that cut me bad. It was exactly how I felt too. How come she gets to relax with a glass and I don't? We all know the answer to that one so I popped in some gum and drove straight past the store. Another attack thwarted. Take that AL!!

OK, here is something fun. Click on the picture and you will be taken to Photobucket where you can play the video. This is the run that we got disqualified in but it's the only one my friend could tape for me as she had left by the time I did my second run of the day. Enjoy!!

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Papmom.

The good news girls is that you can actually get brocolli ice cream! Yes, it's true. I was watching Andrew Zimmern of Bizarre Foods and he was in somewhere like Japan (where they make the weirdest combinations...sorry to our Japanese friends), and they actually had broccoli ice cream and asparagus ice cream.......

What a great video. I tried to leave you a message on it but it kept giving me an error message. What a cute pup and you are definitely NOT dorky. So nice to see you doing something that you are obviously passionate about.

Did you say you PM'ed me as I didnt get anything?

You mentioned you got some Amoryn. I was taking that before I went on the anti-depressants and as I cant take them with the AD's I have two full bottles of them. Would you like me to post them to you? I would be more than happy to if you could use them. PM me your address and I will post them this week. (I hate to see things go to waste when I know someone could use it).

You sound a bit more upbeat this week, which is good. I agree that if it was urgent they would have got you in to see the doc well before your current appointment.

Anyway keep your chin up and will talk again later.
Hipster

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi HC-yes, I guess I am feeling better this weekend although very bored. I need to get out of the house and do something too besides agility. I can't find the PM I sent to you. I pride myself on being pretty computer literate but sometimes this site really freaks me out. Posts I make that I SEE on the thread are gone the next day and now PMs are disappearing. I just was trying to support you with with the hubby drinking crap. I said a little bit of it on the Newbies Nest but I went into more detail in the PM. I can see you're past the crisis stage tho so hang tough.

That is very generous of you but please hold off on the Amoryn. It takes 8 weeks to take effect so I don't know if it will actually work for me. How did you find it to work? Plus, it will cost you an arm and a leg to send it overseas-maybe someone on this list closer to you can use it? We should have a swap thread!!

I have no idea how the leaving of comments on Photobucket works or if I'd even would get an email telling me if one was there but thank you for your comment here!! I'm entering 2 more trials in Sept.

Broccoli ice cream? Hmmmm, not sure about that one LOL!!!
Have a great evening!!

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Today was a sort of lazy day. Didn't do a lot but did get some small stuff done.

Went to my sister's for dinner tonite and a short swim and for some reason was PISSED the whole time (as in mad/angry). They were all drinking. Started with margaritas, then wine. For the first time I felt like such an outcast. Why me? Why my brain, my chemistry, my genes? And I'm not even healthier for quitting to boot? My dad told us tonite that his sister, my 87 yo Aunt (who also doesn't look or act her age) was told a few month ago to stop drinking. She was having some pain and her test results were coming back abnormal. First I've heard of this and she was a heavy drinker too at nite. I would watch her and my dad when she visited. So she did. Quit. Cold Turkey. Guess what? All test results normal now!! Yea for her.
The only thing that kept me from picking up a glass of wine was thinking of all of you and how many people I would be letting down. I did try to think of me too-my health and all that BS.
I've been different my whole life. Maybe I started drinking to fit in? I don't know. All I know is that now I don't fit in anywhere. At work or in my family. I've never married, couldn't keep a boyfriend, couldn't even get pregnant-not that I tried that hard but there were a few times when it should have happened (even tho my ugly as sin, dumb as dirt with no teeth cousin managed that much. course she has a dumb as dirt, ugly as sin son to show for it. No love lost for that side of the family).
Huge Pity Party right now and I'm going to wallow in it for a while. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, esp if I can get my fat arse out of bed early enough to take Devil Dog for a walk before work. We both need the exercise, me especially.
So no, there was no AL for this girl tonite and all the stores are closed. I'll lay my sober head on the pillow but there might be tears of self pity there as well.

[NoraC]

My AF Journey Journal

Oh Papmom - I am so sorry that I have been wallowing in my own pity party and didn't realize what was going on with you. Big, big hugs are coming your way.
I just read that you DO have to see the Nephrologist after all. Oh I am so sorry. No wonder you are scared & overwhelmed. I hope that they can get you in to see him soon. The waiting game is so hard.
I hope that you are able to sleep and that tomorrow is better. And you know what? You deserve some self pity once in a while. I think we need to allow ourselves that sometimes. :l:l:l
Thinking of you.

[mollyka]

My AF Journey Journal

Morning Girls, sorry to hear you are all a bit glum, had my own pity party Sat, got over it sort of tho. I agree with you so much Paps, I know I drank to be in the middle of things so to speak. I've always been on the outskirts of life, never in the 'in group' just sort of hovering on the outside. Even in my family, I was the youngest by miles and never really fitted in.
My youngest had a sleepover Sat night and I went into the room to use the printer with my eldest son yesterday morning and was aware that they had been smoking dope!! Little shagger - he's only 16 and my headaches have now multiplied worrying about him - gave him an earful but as a Mum of 4 I know I might as well be peeing into the wind!
Anyway, sorry, enough about me, I just needed to vent a bit. Yes Nora a bit of self pity is no harm, once we pick ourselves up again and face the world.
Paps, when I'm 87 I don't care what my liver will be like - she must have some will to live!!
Goodday to you all, off to work in a while
Molly

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Wow, we are all so alike we could be twins/triplets/quadruplets...... You have both just told my story.
Wallow all you like Papmom. A good pity party every now and then does wonders. I usually get a real soppy movie - my favourite, Steel Magnolia's - a box of tissues, have a good ball then I feel better.
You did make me giggle with your description of your cousin..... scary!

Molly you mentioned about your son smoking dope, I was only thinking tonight of all those times when I was young and just starting out on my drinking career. I would get plastered and come home to my parents and try and pretend that I was sober and hadnt been drinking. I can only see now how stupid I was to think that they wouldnt know. And all those times I drove when I had been drinking, (yes I did do it and no, I am not proud of it,) thinking that if I got picked up by the cops they wouldnt be able to tell I was drunk. How naive was I all along. I look at my husband now when he is pissed and there is no way you can cover it up. Doesnt your son realise that dope has a very distinctive smell? My kids are going to have to be very inventive to cover up AL and dope cause I know about them both!

You asked about the Amoryn and if I thought it worked. It certainly lifted my mood some but I think my depression was too deep this time round. I read up alot about the benefits of hypericum over traditional AD's and there is alot of good evidence that it does work. I intially took the natural approach because I was worried about the possible side effects of AD's ( loss of libido, not being able to sleep etc) but when the depression took away my libido and I couldnt sleep anyway, I thought it was time to bring in the big guns - Zoloft! I know that Lavande swears by it and has been taking it for some time. I think you just have to see what works for you and go with it.

Hope your mood lifts soon. Take care and know I am thinking of you.

Hip

[papmom3]

My AF Journey Journal

Thanks Nora, Molls and HC for the support and the OK to wallow abit. I didn't get up in time to go for a walk-barely got up at all. Horrible headache when I woke up and was tossing and turning all nite. I did manage to take DD for a one mile walk at the rail trail tonite when I got home. Didn't feel great-ankle hurt, hip hurt, was out of breath so had to walk much slower than usual. I'm at my heaviest weight ever so that doesn't help either. I swear I now have a full blown sugar addiction so on top of giving up AL, I now have to work on giving up most of the sugar I eat every day. I wonder if there is a MWO for sugar addicts? The supps don't seem to have any effect on that like they are suppose to so I don't know what is going on with me.

I had a very long argument with myself about why I should or shouldn't pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. My sober self won and as soon as I got home and then headed out for the walk the argument was put to rest. My trick of visualizing from purchase to the next morning is still working, thank god. It also helped that just as I was approaching the liquor store Carol King came on with her version of "You've got a Friend". I belted that baby out and didn't care how stupid I looked!! It got me past the temptation so that's all that counts. I must also remember to take out Mr. :lalala:when I need him!!

I almost went to an AA meeting tonite right after work but I decided that I needed the exercise more than the meeting plus I needed to shop after the walk. I now have some good healthy food for the rest of the week. One day I will make it to an Open meeting just to see what it is like but for now time is so limited and if I have a choice, the dogs always win.

Got a lot of soul searching to do and research into the sugar thing. This journey hasn't been what I thought it would be.

I thought once I stopped drinking I would:

Lose weight - Nope
Have more energy - Nope
Be Happier - Nope
Be Healthier - double Nope
Sleep better - Nope
have a cleaner house - Nope
More money - Nope-going all to fast food and sugar

What have been the positive results of not drinking?

No hangovers - Check
No more calling in sick - Check
Taking better care of the "kids" - check
Meeting wonderful people through MWO -unexpected Check

What do I need to accept?

• I can't control my drinking so therefore I cannot drink anymore
• All the above negatives are within my control to changeI cannot control/change what others around me do including my family and their drinking

Well, it's a start. Here's hoping for a much better night's sleep.

Thanks my friends for always being here for me when I need you. I hope I do the same for you.

[NoraC]

My AF Journey Journal

Pap - Boy do I have to love your lists you just posted. You are not the only one. I also love the Mr. :lalala::lalala::lalala:
I actually had to use him today. I need to use him more often. :H

I hope that you can get a good night's sleep tonight and that you feel much better in the morning. :l

[expat3]

My AF Journey Journal

for papmom3

Hi papmom, I don't usually post on this thread but hello!! I read your comment about being a sugar addict. Just made me think because one of my American friend's sent me an e-mail about" radiant recovery". There is a website but the lady also wrote a book called Potatoes not Prozac--or something like that My friend swears by it. She too has a drinking problem and says the Radiant Recovery deals with the problem of sugar addiction. Maybe it could be interesting ??? I'm going to check it out a bit more myself. Have a great day tomorrow-it's already morning over here in France!

[mollyka]

My AF Journey Journal

Paps and folks - flyin out the door so just a quick hello - love the list, I concur with most of it! Try the fitness forum - 'MAGIC DIET' starting down there - at the moment I think we are all taking the piss a little bit - had a great giggle there last night, if you get nothing but a good laugh it would be worth it! but I do think somewhere along the way there might be some tips and support goin along - I'm hanging out there for a while anyway!
Will be back this evening - working with the mad folks out the country today - have a headache already!!!!
Molly

[Hippy Chick]

My AF Journey Journal

Hi Guys.

Great lists Papmom. I agree with them all too although I do have more energy as I dont have those horrible draining hangovers anymore. And it is true what you said about being able to control/change the negatives. But do remember how long you were drinking for and how long it has been with you not drinking. These things take time. We are learning how to live again without a mind altering substance. And along with trying to overcome the desire the body has for AL, we have to learn how to do things differently.

It all takes time and as long as we put one foot in front of the other each day and do a little bit, I think we will get there.

Take care