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WASTING MY LIFE!!

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    #1

    WASTING MY LIFE!!

    It's ten years since I began my almost daily wine drinking habit. I have been here on MWO since June, 2009; that's 2 1/2 years since I sought help for what I perceive to be a drinking problem. Since I joined and well before I have worried and fretted about my drinking every day. Minimally, that's 912 days I have wasted focusing on something that I have the power to banish from my life. I have everything working in my favour. I am one of the lightweights around here only drinking 1/2 to a bottle of wine a night.

    I have NEVER stopped drinking for 30 days. Imagine the stupidity of fretting about something for all this time and never following through on any plan I've made. I have been letting life pass me by. I don't read anymore, I don't leave the house at night, I don't do much of anything in the evenings but sit, watch TV or surf the net and sip on wine (or tea on the evenings when I am behaving). What kind of life have I created for myself where I spend literally hours every day either on MWO, thinking about quitting, planning on quitting, talking about quitting, surfing the net for articles on quitting or just plain drinking?

    As I was bouncing on the rebounder this afternoon going over this situation in my mind, I literally started screaming out loud "What the F^&# are you DOING, wasting your life on this issue? You don't need booze in your life so stop the insanity!"

    I now acknowledge I have to either quit MWO and banish thoughts of my drinking habits forever or quit drinking altogether. It's one or the other.

    What I have decided is I will begin the first 30 days of this final A/F journey. If I slip up even once, I will never come back here again. I will learn to live with my drinking habits and live out my life as best I can. I have to stop obsessing and this is the only way I know how. Day One Today.
    Tipplerette

    I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

    "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
    ? Lao-Tzu
    Tags: None
    #2
    WASTING MY LIFE!!

    Tipp, I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel the same way as you. I feel like my drinking levels are the same as yours. I have even been here just about the same time as you. When I drink, I obsess and agonize over it. When I don't drink, I'm white knuckling it and thinking about it all the time. I research stopping drinking, I read books on stopping drinking, all to the point of not doing anything else. I honestly don't know which is worse. At least when I have a few drinks at night, I have about two hours of peace in my head. It's no accident I picked the name I did for myself, I'm really looking for some peace of mind.

    I think the answer from others would be, just Stop for good, you can't control it, you've proved that thousands of times. That way the choice to drink or not will be off the table. Try as I have all these years, it hasn't worked for me yet. There is nothing anyone can say at this point that would flip the switch for me. It absolutely has to come from me. Maybe I haven't hit rock bottom yet, but at my level that may not come for awhile. But it is sure tough keeping that rock bottom at bay. It would be nice to be set free. Maybe my rock bottom is a completely unhappy, unfulfilled life. A life of someone who has stopped growing and is just surviving and is just hoping to make it to the end of a dull unproductive day.

    I'm glad you posted because you verbalized exactly the way I feel and exactly what I've been doing for years. I didn't have the guts. However, somehow, there is a glimmer of hope in me still and I will keep trying for awhile. I hope not to lose ypunon MWO. I'm trying to come on less and get on with my life, but I still intend to check in.

    Thanks for posting

    Comment

      #3
      WASTING MY LIFE!!

      Looking for Peace, thanks for your comments. It's nice to know someone understands. I really would like to post tomorrow that I didn't drink tonight, etc. I am also hoping someone will join me who is at their wit's end too. I have put myself in a position that is a little dangerous and I know it. I am NOT coming back here if i slip up. This is it. I don't need the damn stuff in my life and if it wasn't causing me grief emotionally then I would just continue my wine habit and probably not get worse; if anything I am drinking less for the past few months. I just can't stop fretting about it and I need not so much the drinking out of my life but the obsession I have with it. It's just taking too much of my time and effort. I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life. I am 55 and menopause hasn't begun yet but it's just around the corner. I want to be at peace and open to explore new possibilities as I age; not live with so many fretful thoughts about booze. I guess, I, too, am 'looking for peace'.
      Tipplerette

      I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

      "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
      ? Lao-Tzu

      Comment

        #4
        WASTING MY LIFE!!

        I understand what you're both saying, I really do. I've been battling this beast for years as well. And I, too, am tired of thinking about it. All I know is that alcohol affects my life in so many negative ways, that if I didn't do something about it, I would ruin my life for myself and my daughter. Maybe I wouldn't care so much if it was just me. I just know I can't do that to her. Sorry I don't have any deep wisdom. All I can say is that I do completely understand where you're coming from. When we're drinking, we don't think about it like we do when we're trying not to. And the constant thinking about it gets tiring. And I want you both to know I'd miss you if stopped coming on here...so please stay no matter what you decide!
        :h
        K9
        :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

        Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

        Comment

          #5
          WASTING MY LIFE!!

          This has really hit home with me. I'm at work and can't type much right now. But, I want to say thank you for putting it in words for me. This is how I feel. It is time to stop thinking/fretting/worrying/plotting about it.
          THANK YOU!!!
          "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.".....Carol Burnett
          ..........
          AF - 7-27-15

          Comment

            #6
            WASTING MY LIFE!!

            Tip, please don't judge yourself so harshly. I have been on MWO for nearly two years. I have put together 45 days of consecutive sobriety during this period. My partner gave me an ultimatum a month ago, and I have been AF...but it hasn't been easy. This is a TERRIBLE beast we're battling.

            The other day, I was thinking of the term "wasted". How when people are really drunk or high, they're referred to as "wasted". Next, I thought of how appropriate that term really is. How many hours, days, months, YEARS have I spent of this precious life "wasting" it? All of those hours, days, months, years...wasted and gone. No more.

            If you try and fail, come back and try again. Please. Don't give up, Tip. :l

            Comment

              #7
              WASTING MY LIFE!!

              compulsive behavior

              Hi Tip
              Do you find that you have compulsive/obsessive behavior generally? If so, I wonder if that is actually the problem you should be focusing on.
              Have you tried a daily practice like yoga?

              Comment

                #8
                WASTING MY LIFE!!

                Oh Tips and LFP-I know how you feel! But don't give up! We can do this!
                I'm old, I'm a drunk, I've struggled for years too-we are all in this together.
                You know the expression "fight the good fight?" THIS IS THE GOOD FIGHT!

                If absolutely nothing else-think of the health issues. Death by drinking is pretty awful. Directly or indirectly. And of course the health part is just the tip of the iceberg.
                The rest of it is terrible to think about too.

                Stick around;stay strong!!

                Comment

                  #9
                  WASTING MY LIFE!!

                  K9Lover;1250847 wrote: I understand what you're both saying, I really do. I've been battling this beast for years as well. And I, too, am tired of thinking about it. All I know is that alcohol affects my life in so many negative ways, that if I didn't do something about it, I would ruin my life for myself and my daughter. Maybe I wouldn't care so much if it was just me. I just know I can't do that to her. Sorry I don't have any deep wisdom. All I can say is that I do completely understand where you're coming from. When we're drinking, we don't think about it like we do when we're trying not to. And the constant thinking about it gets tiring. And I want you both to know I'd miss you if stopped coming on here...so please stay no matter what you decide!
                  :h
                  K9
                  I understand what you're saying about doing more for your daughter. I am a granny to a beautiful baby girl and I live on a river... a rushing, strong, dangerous river. Imagine if I was drinking when she came to visit and she went in and drowned? My middle son drinks too much. I want to be a good example to him as I am the only one who he confides in about his problem. Maybe if he sees his Mom succeed at beating the beast he may consider it a possibility for himself. Thanks for your kind words. Hopefully I'll be around for a long while bragging about my milestones. LOL..
                  Tipplerette

                  I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                  "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                  ? Lao-Tzu

                  Comment

                    #10
                    WASTING MY LIFE!!

                    NoraC;1250848 wrote: This has really hit home with me. I'm at work and can't type much right now. But, I want to say thank you for putting it in words for me. This is how I feel. It is time to stop thinking/fretting/worrying/plotting about it.
                    THANK YOU!!!
                    Hey Nora
                    Seems like a hit a chord with a few of the gang... Come back when you have more time and we'll hash this out. I am happy I said it like it is.
                    Tipplerette

                    I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                    "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                    ? Lao-Tzu

                    Comment

                      #11
                      WASTING MY LIFE!!

                      fennel;1250853 wrote: Tip, please don't judge yourself so harshly. I have been on MWO for nearly two years. I have put together 45 days of consecutive sobriety during this period. My partner gave me an ultimatum a month ago, and I have been AF...but it hasn't been easy. This is a TERRIBLE beast we're battling.

                      The other day, I was thinking of the term "wasted". How when people are really drunk or high, they're referred to as "wasted". Next, I thought of how appropriate that term really is. How many hours, days, months, YEARS have I spent of this precious life "wasting" it? All of those hours, days, months, years...wasted and gone. No more.

                      If you try and fail, come back and try again. Please. Don't give up, Tip. :l
                      Hey Fennel, I wish I had 45 days of sobriety. I would be so happy with myself. It's all in perspective, eh.. Good point about being wasted... wasting my life slowly but surely. Not tonight though!!
                      Tipplerette

                      I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                      "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                      ? Lao-Tzu

                      Comment

                        #12
                        WASTING MY LIFE!!

                        nancy;1250866 wrote: Hi Tip
                        Do you find that you have compulsive/obsessive behavior generally? If so, I wonder if that is actually the problem you should be focusing on.
                        Have you tried a daily practice like yoga?
                        Good point Nancy. I am the most relaxed person in the word... but I usually have a glass of wine in my hand so it's hard to tell. I do obsess over being a few pounds lighter and my drinking. Besides that nothing much fazes me.

                        I enjoyed Pilates for some time and would love to try yoga. Anyone able to recommend a good beginner Yoga DVD? It may help still my mind... meditation is something I should look into also.
                        Tipplerette

                        I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                        "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                        ? Lao-Tzu

                        Comment

                          #13
                          WASTING MY LIFE!!

                          Ann 221;1250867 wrote: Oh Tips and LFP-I know how you feel! But don't give up! We can do this!
                          I'm old, I'm a drunk, I've struggled for years too-we are all in this together.
                          You know the expression "fight the good fight?" THIS IS THE GOOD FIGHT!

                          If absolutely nothing else-think of the health issues. Death by drinking is pretty awful. Directly or indirectly. And of course the health part is just the tip of the iceberg.
                          The rest of it is terrible to think about too.

                          Stick around;stay strong!!
                          I have been following you, Ann and am very impressed with your progress so far. I love the way you got up back on the horse when you fell off. I have fallen off far too many times now. I did not drink tonight. Day one accomplished. I don't want to be vitamin deprived, liver diseased and end up like my Mom with no energy and in poor health. Keep up the good fight girl...
                          Tipplerette

                          I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                          "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                          ? Lao-Tzu

                          Comment

                            #14
                            WASTING MY LIFE!!

                            You have all tapped in to a largely unforgotten bunch of us. We're older, we're expected to know better and have it together, but we're the same human we've always been. ALWAYS, even with all the tools and support, it has to come from within. And that comes down to soul-searching. Yes, it's an addiction, powerful, but we still have to go into battle alone. I stay here because I have dear friends here, may offer some comfort to others, and it keeps me honest. I'm too old to devote my time to this demon anymore. It's cost me enough. If I can give you support please ask.
                            sigpic
                            Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
                            awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

                            Comment

                              #15
                              WASTING MY LIFE!!

                              Tippy... I've often felt just like that as well. I actually resented coming here in the morning and having to 'deal with drinking/non-drinking' again and again.

                              So then, when in my infinite wisdom I decided to ditch MWO and 'do it my way'... I ended up in the hole again (and again... I've been here for a long time, too). Truly, the only way to leave that hole behind for good is to quit for good (somebody kindly remind me of this, now and then!) - as someone else said... take the option off the table.

                              Have you tried Antabuse at all? I'm not taking it now but it sure got me through the first month. And, if I feel that I'm wavering, I will take it again.

                              Good luck, hun... I'm not in that place right now but I'd love to join you and offer whatever little support I have to offer anyways. PM me any time :l
                              Okay, WHO put a stop payment on my reality check?

                              Winning since October 24th, 2013

                              Comment

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