WASTING MY LIFE!!

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Nelz;1251035 wrote: Daym Tip

I can feel the frustration in your post.......I truly do hope that you dont throw the towel in, this battle IS very hard, and a struggle.

I guess all I can add, is, try not to be so hard on yourself...and worry about the length of time you've tried. The point is you keep trying and that says a LOT.


Wishing you "more" strength, knowledge, and support than you could ever use.....Good luck, and please do keep trying, Yer worth it

Thanks, Nelz, wow you sure have racked up the A/F time. It must feel fantastic. I want this time to be IT. I don't want to keep trying. I am sick of myself and my weakness. I want to be strong like last night when we went for dinner and I told hubby before we left the cottage that I was not drinking... and not be swayed by anyone or any situation.

Damn it all.. I will do it this time!!

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

patrice;1251050 wrote: Tip,

Thanks so much for your post.. and all the great replies..
I totally understand you and my experiences, though different, mirror yours and loads of others

Take Care
Patrice

Glad you can relate. Keep up with your goals and we'll encourage each other. I feel as I post responses to all the wonderful comments that my strength is building. Wow. Don't want to get too cocky as I always regret it.

[looking for peace]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Tipp, hang in there, I will too. As far as yoga, there are quite a few DVDs on amazon that you could try. Just search for yoga for beginners. I am going to a yoga class this morning which has a meditation class following it. There are a lot of meditation CDs available on amazon as well. If you have a smart phone or iPad, there are a lot of free to very inexpensive meditation and mindfulness apps too. I always feel better when I am regularly practicing yoga and meditation, I just haven't been doing it for a few weeks.

Also the Chopra center is offering a 21 day meditation online. It's free and it starts on February 20th. It's a different guides meditation on line. I did the summer 21 day program. I really liked it. Just google Chopra 21 day meditation. Meditation and yoga is a great way to learn mindfulness and get a break from obsessive thinking.

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

looking for peace;1251074 wrote: Tipp, hang in there, I will too. As far as yoga, there are quite a few DVDs on amazon that you could try. Just search for yoga for beginners. I am going to a yoga class this morning which has a meditation class following it. There are a lot of meditation CDs available on amazon as well. If you have a smart phone or iPad, there are a lot of free to very inexpensive meditation and mindfulness apps too. I always feel better when I am regularly practicing yoga and meditation, I just haven't been doing it for a few weeks.

I see that you are on here at the same time as me. I wish I knew how to chat live. We could talk. Thanks for the PM. I responded. Yoga and meditation are my two new obsessions; healthy ones at least. LOL..

[Irie]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Tipplerette;1250817 wrote: What I have decided is I will begin the first 30 days of this final A/F journey. If I slip up even once, I will never come back here again. I will learn to live with my drinking habits and live out my life as best I can. I have to stop obsessing and this is the only way I know how. Day One Today.

Hi Tipps. I've thought for a couple of days whether I wanted to respond to your post. I am struggling so much myself that I am not (yet!) in any place to give advice. But I've been reading your posts ever since I came here, on of the first threads i ever remember joining was your about wanting 17 days AF.

I really related to the things you said. How much you wanted to quit, and how ashamed (I think that's the right word on your case) you were each time you didn't meet your goals. Through your posts I've seen someone else who tries and tries and tries again, and goes through cycle after cycle of hope and despair.

What I want to say to you right now is that your post kind of sounds like you get to have a choice about whether alcohol will be a struggle in your life. I don't think we get to choose that. What if you were reading a post by someone with diabetes who said "I'm tired of trying to stop eating ice cream and cookies every night. I'm just going to learn to live like that". Would that make any sense to you?

Anyway, I don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do. It just occurs to me that while you probably should keep working on not drinking (a half to one bottle a night is nothing to ignore, particularly when you can't break the habit even for a month or two) maybe you can change the way you approach the battle, so that it's more of a positive experience for you. More celebrating the victories and less beating yourself up.

Ok... hope I didn't cross the line with too much advice! If so, I really apologize. Of course, only you know what is best for you!

[GingerDust]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

I have been thinking about this thread since I read it last night. It really stuck a chord.

I relate to reading/posting/researching feeling like a waste of life. I spend little time here compared to my other online activities but much of what I do has revolved around managing this monster. I could have done a lot of things with those thousands of hours. Every day I tell myself that I?m going to do something recovery-oriented that is not ?virtual.? Take a walk, join a gym, sign up for a class, go to a meeting ? but I never do.

I?m in a similar space as you, Tip. I feel like I?ve got a pretty good handle on this beast. I?m not AF, but I?m never sick and never hungover because I?m never drunk anymore. I don?t think about whether I am sober enough to drive. I don?t say mean things that hurt people?s feelings. It feels like that miserable chapter of my life is finally closed. That?s a miracle to me! But it feels pointless to continue looking into ?recovery? if I?m just going to park it here, in front of this computer screen, quite content to drink less than a glass of wine an hour but quietly discontent still.

Freud?s words haunt me. He said, ??much will be gained if we succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into common unhappiness. With a mental life that has been restored to health, you will be better armed against that unhappiness.? So, I finally made it through the ?hysterical misery? and now the most I have to look forward to is a war against ?common unhappiness?? A battle against unhappiness does not sound like happiness to me. It actually sounds pretty awful, so Freud can bugger off!

I belong to a few online groups, not alcohol related. Online forums are not demanding. You can participate in your jammies while holding a glass of wine and no one will know or care. I think that can be a good thing. There was a time when it was good for me. Now I need to break out of this electronically-created comfort zone and do some real recovery.

After decades of smoking myself to death, I?m finally free of tobacco, and I want to be AF too. THAT?s why it bugs me! Because not smoking has turned out to be freedom from slavery to cigarettes. I adore it and revel in that feeling. I would not light up for all the tea in china! That?s how I want to feel about alcohol too!

Wow. Sorry for the rambling on your thread, Tip, but writing this out helped me gain some clarity for myself. Thanks.

[MWOLady]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Hi Tip...when I read your original post I could not believe you were writing about yourself and not ME. My only advice is JUST DO IT. And I'm not being harsh, or judgemental, or anything like that. I just made up my mind that I could not stand another day with that horrible obsession monkey on MY back. From what you said you are SO READY!!! Jump into the deep end. It seems so scary but as each day sober goes by you'll gather courage, and it will build and build. I think this is your QUIT.

The hell, the guilt, the horrible feeling of alcohol in my body, the damage to my liver, the headache, the hives - all of that for a few glasses of wine a night? WHY WHY WHY??????? I felt that way every damned morning!!! That was my QUIT.

If I can advise you I'd say find something to help you over the first month or so. Whether it be topamax, or naltrexone, or GABA, or antabuse or whatever - in my opinion it sure beats going cold turkey. Others here will chime in I'm sure with other suggestions. But I think it helps, even if it's just with relaxation. GABA is especially good in that way.

Don't leave the board! You are helping so many others who read your story. I can't tell you what it has meant to me to read the experiences of others. When I read your post above I just couldn't believe it - it was just so ME....and today is day 25!!!!! And even though I hope to stop posting as much as I have been I intend to stick around. I hope see you post your day 25!!!

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Irie;1251090 wrote: Hi Tipps. I've thought for a couple of days whether I wanted to respond to your post. I am struggling so much myself that I am not (yet!) in any place to give advice. But I've been reading your posts ever since I came here, on of the first threads i ever remember joining was your about wanting 17 days AF.

I really related to the things you said. How much you wanted to quit, and how ashamed (I think that's the right word on your case) you were each time you didn't meet your goals. Through your posts I've seen someone else who tries and tries and tries again, and goes through cycle after cycle of hope and despair.

What I want to say to you right now is that your post kind of sounds like you get to have a choice about whether alcohol will be a struggle in your life. I don't think we get to choose that. What if you were reading a post by someone with diabetes who said "I'm tired of trying to stop eating ice cream and cookies every night. I'm just going to learn to live like that". Would that make any sense to you?

Anyway, I don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do. It just occurs to me that while you probably should keep working on not drinking (a half to one bottle a night is nothing to ignore, particularly when you can't break the habit even for a month or two) maybe you can change the way you approach the battle, so that it's more of a positive experience for you. More celebrating the victories and less beating yourself up.

Ok... hope I didn't cross the line with too much advice! If so, I really apologize. Of course, only you know what is best for you!

Hi Irie, you are so right. I get more understanding here than anywhere else in my life. Sad eh. Positive experience: Embrace the joys of sobriety. That should be our mantra. My sister is obese and I want to shake her and tell her to stop eating fattening food. Hello !!! Stop drinking the stuff that f#%^'s with your mind. You are right. The best thing I did was start this thread. They were the most honest words I ever posted. I think something has changed in this little noggin of mine.

[Nelz]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Tipplerette;1251069 wrote: Thanks, Nelz, wow you sure have racked up the A/F time. It must feel fantastic. I want this time to be IT. I don't want to keep trying. I am sick of myself and my weakness. I want to be strong like last night when we went for dinner and I told hubby before we left the cottage that I was not drinking... and not be swayed by anyone or any situation.

Damn it all.. I will do it this time!!

Now THAT'S what I wanted to hear........you go girl!


Attached files [img]/converted_files/1764887=6929-attachment.jpg[/img]

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

GingerDust;1251094 wrote: I have been thinking about this thread since I read it last night. It really stuck a chord.

I relate to reading/posting/researching feeling like a waste of life. I spend little time here compared to my other online activities but much of what I do has revolved around managing this monster. I could have done a lot of things with those thousands of hours. Every day I tell myself that I?m going to do something recovery-oriented that is not ?virtual.? Take a walk, join a gym, sign up for a class, go to a meeting ? but I never do.

I?m in a similar space as you, Tip. I feel like I?ve got a pretty good handle on this beast. I?m not AF, but I?m never sick and never hungover because I?m never drunk anymore. I don?t think about whether I am sober enough to drive. I don?t say mean things that hurt people?s feelings. It feels like that miserable chapter of my life is finally closed. That?s a miracle to me! But it feels pointless to continue looking into ?recovery? if I?m just going to park it here, in front of this computer screen, quite content to drink less than a glass of wine an hour but quietly discontent still.

Freud?s words haunt me. He said, ??much will be gained if we succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into common unhappiness. With a mental life that has been restored to health, you will be better armed against that unhappiness.? So, I finally made it through the ?hysterical misery? and now the most I have to look forward to is a war against ?common unhappiness?? A battle against unhappiness does not sound like happiness to me. It actually sounds pretty awful, so Freud can bugger off!

I belong to a few online groups, not alcohol related. Online forums are not demanding. You can participate in your jammies while holding a glass of wine and no one will know or care. I think that can be a good thing. There was a time when it was good for me. Now I need to break out of this electronically-created comfort zone and do some real recovery.

After decades of smoking myself to death, I?m finally free of tobacco, and I want to be AF too. THAT?s why it bugs me! Because not smoking has turned out to be freedom from slavery to cigarettes. I adore it and revel in that feeling. I would not light up for all the tea in china! That?s how I want to feel about alcohol too!

Wow. Sorry for the rambling on your thread, Tip, but writing this out helped me gain some clarity for myself. Thanks.

This is NOT my thread, this is OUR thread. We're all in this together. I, like you, feel a quiet desperation, in that my mind is on alcohol instead of pursuing other real things. What this predisposition to drink highlights is my weakness. As long as I feel weak I will never be the woman I know I can be.

Let's Beat the Beast. It's not worth all the attention it gets. What a dangerously, quiet, sneaky enemy alcohol is.... time has taught us methods; it's up to us to use them to rid ourselves of this obsession and to rise up to our potential and live a fulfilling life sans alcohol.

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

MWOLady;1251107 wrote: Hi Tip...when I read your original post I could not believe you were writing about yourself and not ME. My only advice is JUST DO IT. And I'm not being harsh, or judgemental, or anything like that. I just made up my mind that I could not stand another day with that horrible obsession monkey on MY back. From what you said you are SO READY!!! Jump into the deep end. It seems so scary but as each day sober goes by you'll gather courage, and it will build and build. I think this is your QUIT.

The hell, the guilt, the horrible feeling of alcohol in my body, the damage to my liver, the headache, the hives - all of that for a few glasses of wine a night? WHY WHY WHY??????? I felt that way every damned morning!!! That was my QUIT.

If I can advise you I'd say find something to help you over the first month or so. Whether it be topamax, or naltrexone, or GABA, or antabuse or whatever - in my opinion it sure beats going cold turkey. Others here will chime in I'm sure with other suggestions. But I think it helps, even if it's just with relaxation. GABA is especially good in that way.

Don't leave the board! You are helping so many others who read your story. I can't tell you what it has meant to me to read the experiences of others. When I read your post above I just couldn't believe it - it was just so ME....and today is day 25!!!!! And even though I hope to stop posting as much as I have been I intend to stick around. I hope see you post your day 25!!!

MWO Lady, you made me cry. I feel so understood. Why, why, why are we putting ourselves through this. Never mentioned this before but I have a constant low grade rash on my chest that is alcohol related I am sure. I also am allergic to wine and am constantly stuffed up. THIS IS MY QUIT. NO MORE OF THIS WEAK, BEHAViOUR. I am looking into getting the powdered L-Glut. Thanks again and I will get to day 25 in 24 days. xoxo

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Nelz;1251115 wrote: Now THAT'S what I wanted to hear........you go girl!

Oh Nelz.. I was always envious of those of you who worthy recipients of a Nelz STAR... Thanks, friend. You made my day.:thanks:

[Struggles 106]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

GO TIPS

You are right-it is a fight worth fighting-
I remember a joke about adversity building character and someone saying "I've got enough damn character." But really when you think about it we are pretty special.
Addiction is a powerful foe, and the ability to fight and win has to go over into other areas of life.
Beating back the dual addictions of alcohol and nicotine makes me feel powerful (sometimes). I used to envy "normal" drinkers but no longer. AND I really feel bad for the poeple who are drinking themselves to death and can't see it. Frankly I don't comprehend the inability to see that! Maybe the lack of strength or courage or whatever it is to deal with it--but the inability to even SEE it?

Everyone here is doing great. I love this place and what it does for me and others.

Thanks!

[K9Lover]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

I agree with MWOLady...do NOT leave the boards (please!)! Look at what you started here...so many of us can identify with your words! We are all in this together. I too want to stop the obsessive "thinking" about damn alcohol. Why did I let the bastard take over so much of my life? And why when I quit do I still give it so much of my time? That's what I am trying to figure out. HOW to let it go. I don't want to think about it or research it or obsess about it anymore. I have found that Antabuse has taken 90% of this obsession away. I take my pill in the morning and I KNOW I can't drink. But I still find myself thinking about it a lot, and not in a yearning, craving kind of way. It's just like a nagging itch that I can't ever seem to scratch. Maybe I just need to learn to live with it? I'm hoping in time it will stop itching as much. Keep fighting the good fight Tips, and I will to...lets do it together!
:h
K9

[Tipplerette]

WASTING MY LIFE!!

Ann, you touched on two things that resonate with me. Addicted people are special. The people I have met on MWO have proven to be sensitive, poignant writers who really care about other's well being. I think it's the sensitive ones that are more likely to turn to alcohol to dull their pain.

Second point: My 29 year old son is a binge drinker and wants to control it for every reason but the right one. He is sick of spending the money, he hates the depression, the hangovers but never mentions his long term health. I guess he's still at the invincible stage. Alcohol is so much a part of the singe thirties crowd that I feel bad for him. He is looking for the woman of his dreams and says he'll settle down then.... Fingers crossed... not that easy.