who am i?

[briseus]

Treetops - that sounds like a wonderful idea. And glad to hear from you as well! I am sure you're well. x

Pauly - I am soooo over it too. I hear you!
Hmm...the word alcoholic. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I want to label myself that anymore either...not in a dangerous thinking sort of way...but obviously this AA thing (for me only) didn't work before...and going through the motions so I am trying something different...Rational Recovery...to each their own, right? So this time, I do have my plan and everything put into place...but I am just saying that I no longer drink...and never will....and that's the end of it.
I am going to try this on a more holistic path this time. I am eating healthy, exercising...and want to get more in touch with my spiritual side as well as mindfulness, gratitude, meditation, working hard, trying new things, helping others...etc. So far it's working. I just need to stop looking towards others for help and reach deep down inside and be more confident, know I can do this...not label myself, and put all this insurmountable pressure on me all the time. Because that's where I crack.
Now, I look at drinks...and I say to myself "nope, don't drink -" that's that. Finito.
I do think that support is key as well. And you need to be held accountable in some sort of way...that's why I keep coming back here. That's why I am always as honest as possible with everyone here too.
I know we can do this. We gotta keep trying, right???

Good on you Lizann! and on a weekend too! Those are the hardest....

~BRI~

[paulywogg]

Day 17(AGAIN) I remember on my very first quit I drank on day 17,me and Running Courage(wonder how he's doing) were on the same day,I still remember the exact date Oct 4 2012,I had just received a long awaited $35,000 dollar check, wow,holding it in my hand my adrenaline kicked in,went and bought beer, by the time hubs came home I was sloshed, went to cash it and while the lady was counting out all those beautiful bundles of cash all I could think was"hurry up bitch my buzz is wearing off!"crazy memory and the money only lasted for a year I sobered up but relapsed again 2 weeks later, I thought I was at least making progress so I was ok with it but now I'm thinking maybe I set up my brain to just expect relapses,who knows? Was reading some lady's blog last night about her road to sobriety, it was a good read most of the time but you can tell she's highly educated by the way she writes, it was getting annoying, I like the articles when she just wrote like a normal person and scrolled past the metaphors and analogies, I haven't seen Dan this week, nor have I gone to AA,tbh,my allergies are so bad I haven't done much this week except work, watch Louie and clean, I did walk 7 miles on Wednesday though think it just rained too much through the winter(for Vegas anyways) and got hot too early so everyone who has allergies is suffering,it's bad this year, was thinking yesterday that my diet sucks but I don't know what to eat,when I try and eat healthy I'm hungry, but when I eat my regular foods I feel unhealthy and lethargic, maybe I'll start a nutrition thread, get some tips, talk on the daily thread about what finally makes a person quit,in my daily drinking days I never wanted to, didn't think I needed to,even though the kids begged me, even though I cheated, even nearly losing my job,even after being arrested(no charges filed thank GOD) I still thought I was having fun,how delusional!! I was so scared of quitting cuz I stupidly believed horror stories on the internet about withdrawal, I'm sure it is dangerous to quit in some situations, but from what I've read dt's and seizure is actually kinda rare as far as percentage goes,I guess in my heart I just finally had it,had little Bobbi order me some kudzu and started cutting back, then stopped, but then started and stopped, meh,at first I wanted to get sober, now I wanna STAY sober, I can't heal if I keep picking the scab,fiddling with the edges then peeling at it slowly and finally ripping the fucker off,it just won't work, I have chronic headaches for instance, Ava,said she had horrible headaches in the first 5 weeks of her quit then they stopped, well how the hell do I know if they'll stop if I'm always in the first 5 weeks of a quit!? This madness will end in the end,enough.

[available]

Pauly you wont know unless you dont try regarding the headaches. What are you scared of about never drinking again? You want to do it that is as obvious as "dogs balls" so what really is stopping you from thinking that you cant. I never wanted to stop completely, ffs i loved al, i was sociable, i was fun, well i thought i was but i ended up being a sad old drunk. We are all different in how we go about not drinking and in the beginning all it can be is a "day by day" option. I personally posted on here like a fucking maniac, i read so much my head wanted to explode, i walked around the house like an idiot some days and i kept telling that voice to shut the fuck up. Stress was a major trigger for me and probably a lot of others and its how we learn to deal with it that helps. i swear i have never talked to myself so much in the first few months. "I need a drink", give it 5 mins and see how you feel, 'i really feel like a fucking drink", just have a shower and see how you feel, i cant do this anymore", go on mwo and read for a bit, "i give up", just give it 5 mins. it never ended the torture of wanting to drink but one day i actually came home from work and made a cup of tea. Automatically i made that cup of tea, i finally did not want a drink, i finally smiled. That took over a month Pauly. And i fell in love with sugar and i still love sugar and i eat it whenever i want. I eat whatever i want. Someone asked me the other day how i keep not drinking now i have done it, why i have i become so adamant that i wont drink and so strong in my decision and i had no answer to that question. i still dont really, i just know that i dont want to live how i was when i did drink, i am not that person anymore. I want to live fully the life i have left. I have a wealth of support on mwo and i have asked for help and accepted that help, i could not do this by myself, i had to ask and accept help and that is hard when i thought i was such an independent person and i could do it all. I avoided drinkers like the plague, i could not be led to temptation with al around me, i figured that would come in time and it has.

Give it all time Pauly, all you have to do each and every day is not drink, do not give in to the fucker, al will take and take and take and will always win. Accept you are an alcoholic or whatever name you want to call it and know that you can be sober and so enjoy life again. I never ever thought i would be one giving advice, i always thought i would be the one to fail constantly with regards to al, something clicked this time and thank god it did.

You can do this.

[paulywogg]

Thanks Ava

[briseus]

When I got sober for 8 months last year I had headaches for a good 2-3 months of my sobriety...
Then they went away.
They are starting again. I had had a wicked headache all day today since last night. Actually woke up feeling as if I was hungover.
Just keep hanging on...

Bri

[mama bear]

Beautiful Available...just read your post to my hubs.....

[paulywogg]

Day24(yes,again) Bri,hope you're right beside me? I've been sick with a cold, sick with allergies, but even that's better than sick from drinking although I'll admit sometimes my allergies make me so damn congested it feels like I'm drunk, dizzy, in a fog,bleary eyed, etc, want to thank everyone who posted on my last weekly check in, especially Ava,I always feel like you and I have a similar personality type and I'm proud of you for coming so far,if you're up for giving me extra help/tools/advice I'll surely take it was walking into Walgreens yesterday to buy some Easter stuff and when I pulled up this lady was there with her tall boy at 7:30 am smoking a cigarette, dancing, and singing along to the imaginary music in her head, I went in,bought my things and when I came out she was sitting in a heap against the pillars,smoking a cigarette and crying her eyes out alcohol, what a mind fuck it is!one good thing about having this addiction is it certainly gives you compassion toward other addicts,I feel for them cuz I've been there,on the other hand I do get that disgust too,the irritation with them, it's half and half I guess, I noticed yesterday that I observe people a lot when I'm sober, watch their actions, wonder how they grew up,what made them who they are now,etc, I haven't been to AA or Dan,probably get an appointment for next Wednesday with Dan,I want to find a AA meeting in a better neighborhood, that sounds so snobby!!but it's not, I only chose that particular one cuz it's on the way to work but I'm uncomfortable there,I don't even like driving in that part of town, much less parking my car and getting out,good God,I hope I'm not making excuses again, I feel like I have a handle on this, but I know how it slips out of my grip quickly, I've got to hold on super tight, tighter than ever before

[paulywogg]

BTW, in approaching the fourth week I tend to get weird, I will gladly bend over and take ANY kick up the ass to keep me going, this has gone on for far too long and I'm desperate and done!

[paulywogg]

Day 33,not sure how if I quit 3/11,but that's what I count,I guess I have no offers on the kick up the butt haha,it's ok I'm the only one that can avoid drinking, it's a choice plain and simple, I've finally figured that part out at least, had a rough day Monday and swore I was gonna drink, popped a antabuse on the way home, will continue to do that at least for a few months, some people say it's a crutch, I don't give a shit,if my arm was broken I'd need a cast for a bit to get healed,well my al brain is broken, I need a cast for a bit,some people don't need meds to quit, I do,something to break the cycle, get me stronger, go to see Dan Wednesday, wonder how he acts since I haven't gone in forever, plus I haven't read the 172 pages of the AA book he let me borrow, eeks

[abcowboy]

I'm following close behind you pauly, just in case lol

[treetops]

Pauly I am sending you a special gift from New Zealand - a kick up the butt!
You can do this!

[paulywogg]

I relapsed yet again on day 47,just woke up in a weird mood,fell back asleep and woke feeling groggy, drank more coffee to get going and that just made me an irritated, anxious mess,there's absolutely NO excuse, I could feel it coming on though and yes I did voice this on my threads,a few days I took a piece of antabuse just to avoid drinking,I just felt like being sober ALL the time isn't normal, a weird thought that popped into my head out of nowhere really, just some stress that I haven't learned to deal with, frustrations in my life,etc,nobody talks about any of this stuff on here, maybe I'm just more heavily addicted to booze,or my attitude just sucks,I dunno,I know everyone tries to keep it positive on the forum,but its not always positive all the time,I've talked about how hard of a time I was having and been criticized for it in the past, to me I gotta talk through the negative feelings to sort them out,not sweep it under the rug only for it to come back 10 fold and hit me like a ton of bricks,so far this year my quit dates Jan31,Mar 11,May 11 and now June28 I am making progress but I can't keep switching the date every other month!this last relapse has shaken me up,I'm tired of breaking promises to myself, will post here more about what happens

[Ginger999]

Hi Pauly, I was out of town so just figured out this happened yesterday when I was trying to catch up with the threads. I'm so sorry this happened but I'm so glad you are back so quickly. I know you get sick of hearing the same old thing from us but we say it because we love and care about you. Anyway... You've been stringing together lots of days so far this year and even though you slipped, you got right back on that horse! That's a big deal to me. Hang in there. xx

[LilBit]

Pauly, keep fighting. I don't think your "attitude sucks" at all. I think you're battling a tough foe, and sometimes it takes multiple tries to beat it. You can do this.

And, without getting too deep, I'd venture to say that not every crazy, destructive thought that pops into our heads is our own.

I'll be looking for -- and expecting -- your success. :hug:

[roxane]

i do nothing but moan on army pauly but i do know what you mean. for what its worth i think you have the right attitude when it comes to quitting. you keep trying and dont think its ok to relapse.