Newbies Nest

[Pavati]

Good Morning:

Way to go, NTQ. Congratulations, and a fine 30-day speech. Honesty and forgiveness were key for me as well. Onward and upward.

I went to yoga yesterday for the first time in a long time. That beats booze for checking out ANY day. I need to add it to my rotation.

A beautiful day in the nest - filled with chores for me, but at least I can admire it through the window.

Pav

[Byrdlady]

Great job, NTQ! 30 days is yooge! I tell you, those first 30 really tell the tale dont they? I hope you are as proud of yourself as we are. Eloise should be along with your hat shortly! Great job!! B

[KENSHO]

I'm here and glad to not be drinking, but I feel tested. Sometimes it seems everything hits all at once. The biggest project I've ever had is at risk of being delayed, partly because I did not watch the schedule closely enough (partly because the client is very difficult and has to evaluate EVERY possible option) - and I cannot lose this one. I am owed a LOT of money by clients and haven't seen any of it (cash flow from income tax and SEP contribution is not good!). I have a workroom very upset with me. I have a legal notice from the state regarding my sales tax reporting - part of it is my fault, part is theirs - but I have to go deal with government officials (fun). I think the replaced top of my expensive blender did not fix a motor problem, which is $$$. We have an absolute shit show with some airline tickets and multiple changed schedules and spent 2.5 hours on the phone with them this morning. And hormonal stuff is hitting harder than ever now and I am just plain pissed. I'd like to slap life in the face. Hard. UGH! There it all is. I am left feeling pretty down on myself for some of my mistakes.

BUT. I'm going to learn from them. First I can try to fix what can be fixed. I know what can be done at this point on all these items. Next, I can learn from them. I know what I will do differently with all these things. And none of them will ruin me. Even the worst case scenarios - it will all be ok. It just sucks.

Anyway, going to go get some exercise and hope that helps. I'm sure a few days will make a big difference. I know alcohol will not help anything.

[Guitarista]

Hey Nesters near and not so far

Wow Kensho. What an absolutely top raawkin attitude you have amongst all of that! Bravo my friend. With that approach, things will come around and start to look up at some stage, as is life's habit.

Congratulations on 30 days NTQ! Huge achievement friend. Online course sounds useful.

All good here. Congrat's to any other milestoner's round the joint.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

I had my grandsons & their Mom here for dinner. Fun but extremely noisy!!
Still I am totally grateful for this AF life!

Kensho, shit storms are a part of all of our lives. I keep telling myself if we don't have them then how could we possibly appreciate the good times
I really do hope things settle down soon for you. Good job not introducing AL into the mix!

NTQ, Congrats on 30 days AF :welldone:
I remember the wonderful feeling, hold onto it!

Hi there G, Byrdie & everyone!
Wishing a safe & comfy night in the nest for all.

Lav

[daisy45]

Time for me to really dig deep and find the reason why I am not getting this done once and for all. I have been thinking a lot about this over the past few days.
This past year I have had more AF time than any other year since coming here. I am grateful for that and part of the reason is I am determined to get it and keep coming back. Those who know me would also know that my past pattern would be to run away for months and come back in a mess.
I know it must be frustrating for those reaching out to me to see me continually starting over. If I was hiding away like before I know things would be much worse.
I got to thinking that because I have achieved more AF time this year and and when I've slipped I have had more control...not drinking when I know I have to get up for work, so not nightly....except of course when I get those 3 consecutive nights in a row at the weekend! I think this has got my brain deluded that I am somehow more in control and not that bad.
I have read about 'the gift of desperation' and that is normally how I come here.
I don't want to be that desperate again, to go that far down the road. I have looked at myself and am trying to identify what is holding me back......stress is a big factor and I have done as much as I can right now to deal with that (apart from being completely AF) but I know that acceptance is a major part of staying sober.....one day I feel I have it and am confident with it then it just disappears.....
I am so grateful for the support I get here and am totally embarrassed to come back like this, but I need to stay here while I work this out.

[moni]

Daisy - don't be embarrassed. If we all were too embarrassed, this site wouldn't even happen. That's why it's here, as support. And you're back immediately which is not a bad thing.
I think you're right though, needing to pin point the trigger. Let's face it, very few of us drink because we just love making eejits out of ourselves. Something triggers the desire to get drunk.

Do you keep a journal? I've found it very helpful in the past. It's helped me in the past to go back and see how my mood was just before relapsing. I can now recognise patterns and if I feel the mood going that way, I book a manicure or a facial or massage. Works out cheaper than a booze binge most the time and certainly better for the mind.

Glad you came back and don't be so hard on yourself, we're all human ((HUGS))

[Lavande]

Good Monday morning Nesters,

Still dark, damp & chilly in my neck of the woods, oh well. We never seem to get a whole lot of real spring-like weather. Typically we go from winter right into summer. Confusing for the animals & plants around here, ha ha!

Daisy, it sounds like you need to work on acceptance. Like it or not we have to accept that we cannot process AL 'normally'.
We may think we are sacrificing something big when we stop drinking & that results in a lot of fear. Actually what we are doing is opening new doors to a brighter, happier & healthier way to live. I never expected to wind up feeling empowered, strong & capable of most anything but that's what happened. Surprise yourself like I did

Hi there moni & everyone!
Have a great AF day one & all.

Lav

[paulywogg]

Daisy,I agree with Moni on the"eejits"(good one btw) I have posted on another thread that I don't drink to get drunk,I drank to deal with emotions and junk,still sorting that one out,nobody wants to drink and end up sitting on the couch in jammie bottoms crying in the middle of the day,which is unfortunately what happens to me every single time,pathetic but we'll get this,we both had great stretches then chose to drink,let's get those stretches in again and choose NOT to drink

[Fin]

I am so grateful for the support I get here and am totally embarrassed to come back like this, but I need to stay here while I work this out.

Daisy, whatever you do don't feel embarrassed about coming back here. Keep resetting until it takes! I've been on a similar journey to yours having first come to the site back in 2012. Since then, it's been a major learning experience. I can say now that I know where my biggest triggers are and how to cut them off. I have also learned that various strategies I tried to setup for myself to live a more disciplined life with alcohol have ALL failed. I now know that just one will eventually lead me back to six beers per day over the course of a couple of weeks and then I'm stuck again...sometimes for months before I can regain the fortitude it takes to get back to the site. Anyway, to see you right back here again is a very-very positive sign in my mind. It says you're also learning. Unfortunately for most of us, we have to learn through our own failings vs. just accepting that what the super stars here already know -- AL just can't be in the equation, or negotiated.

I'm taking it one day at a time. I use to loath that statement as my brother would always say that who STILL lives with my Mom. My reaction would be, "plan! Don't live day to day, figure out what you're going to go after and go get it!" Well, now facing this major challenge, it makes sense to do both - take it day by day and plan for what can be a much richer future without alcohol being the center of attention. Time to find the ultimate freedom...

Love to you all,
-Fin

[aihfl]

During my last rehab, I had to see the therapist every day vs. once a week at most rehabs and we talked at length about the relapse process (I created a separate thread on this forum about it) and various coping strategies that can be used. But she said scheduling and exercise are among the two biggest factors in preventing relapse. I live by myself and am presently not in any serious romantic entanglements, so I could potentially have a lot of unstructured time to myself. I drank a lot out of boredom after my divorce and a key component of my recovery has been to be out doing stuff with other people so I don't get inside my own head.

A day at a time really is key. When I came out of rehab last time, it was because I first went to an emergency room after taking a bad fall in the middle of the night while drunk and messed up on benzos. I made, and continue to make the decision daily that I will never go to a hospital again under those circumstances. I've done that entirely too many times. It's important to keep it day to day because I don't want to get into the mindset that the future is some abstract, nebulous concept or that "forever" is a very long time. On the flip side, "today" is about a concrete a concept as you can have. Good luck to you.

[daisy45]

Thank you everyone!
Even though I have read so much and should know it all by now, still there is more. I posted last week on thoughts of future drinking being in my head.....a sign in itself of relapse on the way, yet I didn't feel I was going to drink. I am actually sick of it. I did think I would be better to keep posting and reading and stay off Roll Call for a while......it is so demoralizing. Then, by not posting on Roll Call I worry it gives an 'out' to drink......maybe I think too much about it all.
I have journalled in the past Moni. I think I am good at spotting signs but not so good at steering away. The more I am talking about this right now I see more that acceptance is my biggest issue. I need to do some more reading on that subject in particular. From what I see, acceptance is the most important part in staying the course.

[NoSugar]

Daisy, acceptance is hard if you let yourself think you're giving up something good. For most of us who make it here, alcohol has been wrecking our lives for a long while. You're ridding yourself of a burden, not giving up something good! You have the opportunity to quit - not everyone gets the chance. xx, NS

[Byrdlady]

Morning, Nesters!
Not sure I can add anything else to the mix, Daisy. I just hate that you are having such turmoil. Acceptance is key, and making a promise to myself to never buy or drink AL again helped, too. I know that you know the absolute easiest way from Point A to Point B is to stop and stay stopped. The more detours we take only prolongs the agony...and that's just what drinking had become for me. The days of having a pleasant glass of wine were long gone, I needed a fix. You ARE in control as long as you don't drink it. Make a decision/pact with yourself....not one, not ever, no matter what. That's what it took for me. As I look back now, I can't believe what a hard decision it was to make between my hubs or AL.....unbelievable, really. I think you are in a similar boat. You have those grandbabies on the way and the odds of your kids trusting you with that precious cargo are slim and none if you are actively drinking. I certainly wouldn't trust my children with someone who checked out every day....I would not have trusted a child with me.

I certainly understand the power of this addiction, the time to play nice has long passed. When I first came in, I wanted a softer, gentler approach to the whole thing. All this non-sense about 'Never' and 'Forever' scared the crap out of me. So I set small goals, all I had to do was get thru THIS day. Then one day I woke up and the thought of never drinking again was not only not scary, but it was a blessed relief!! You will get there.
Hope everyone has a peaceful day. Byrdie

[Mick]

apologies for butting in nesters,.....daisy..heres one..you say you kept a diary in the past?so why not do it again ...but this time..be totally honest in it,write down exactly how you feel ,and what you did....I kept one,but in conjunction with that,when you feel that there is a need for a drink,write it all down,..not just "I feel like a drink,"but wholesome feelings,and words ,think about the negatives,what drink is going to give you,how you will feel tomorrow, how crap you feel ,letting people down,just let the pen go crazy..it doesnt matter what you write...its yours...do the same with the positivesthen write what you did,who you told the lot...just keep going..get a hold of someone on here ...dont be scared embarrassed or any of that ...we have all been there..else why did we give ourselves pseudo names?you know the positivty it can all bring ,you were there ,you not were but are part of it..its just getting it right for you..as for thinking Ill never drink again,when we start out,we focus on the negativity for some reason..that thought in our heads.."Ill never be able to drink again"...we never think thank goodness ..no more headaches ever again,no more making an arse of myself again, no more lying sneaking cheating again..none of that ..just this can never drink again.. but that actually isnt quite true...you can drink any time you wish that is your choice..all you are asking yourself to do is put that choice on hold for a while,giving yourself time to change "I want but I cant" into" I can but dont want".. give yourself that chance Daisy,you deserve it ,there is a wealth of help and friendship here for you..give it a try :hug: