Newbies Nest

[Dutch1988]

Kensho I appreciate the discussion as well. What is too much alcohol? For me it's how much I drank before I decided to stop. I only wrote it down in my journals and notebooks a dozen times I wanted to quit, it's one of the few recurring goals I had, and I think it has been challenging and definitely made me grow as a person.

Here I am awake late again. I tell you I would much rather feel this way than I do when I feel gloomy and hopeless. I am starting to think these up and downs are just bipolar disorder or something but why is it manifesting now? I have spent more than usual, felt energized, sleeping less and waking up feeling more rested, overall happier since Saturday. My question is am I able to control these mood swings or not. You all will know soon enough haha. Speaking of controlling thoughts and feelings...

I realized after rereading my posts and responses from you all that I have a confidence issue I need to get over. Every now and then I achieve something that my brain can't believe I did, and it boosts me up a notch, only to return to form after a few days/weeks. I wrote a post that seemed like I was on a pink cloud before my wife miscarried and I am finally starting to feel that way again. But what happens when life happens again? Will I bouncd back faster since it won't be my first tragedy without alcohol? I intend to not wait to find out. So what's the solution? Believe it or not, I started learning about NLP and priming my brain to remind myself on a daily basis of some of my greatest achievements/times I acted in a flow state. I don't even talk to myself in my head anymore the same, I actually started referring to myself by a nickname that reminds myself of times I acted strong/confident. I did this because when I was a kid I changed the name I went by because the name I went by kids made fun of me for. I don't know if it's some subconscious social mammoth crap or what, but I am way more mindful of my thoughts and definitely talk more positively to myself. When I have a thought that's negarive or makes me feel bad that seems inappropriate I think that's not like you, your this new person now. I am hoping this works and prevents the next bad life situation from getting any worse.

What we think about ourselves is so powerful. I have heard that confuscious quote about whether you think you can or you can't your right,but it's really comin home lately.

Now if I start posting on here and sound any crazier than that, like I have developed another personality or something, send me a PM please lol.

[available]

Evening nest

Im with you Pav i am tired too. Busy day at work and spending more time with Robert which is always a pleasure.

I feel we know when we are ready to want to stop drinking, we can procrastinate and give ourselves a myriad of reasons why we dont want/need to stop but at the end of the day if we are not in the right mindset then we wont. We can lie about our consumption but at the end of the day we are only lying to ourselves and hurting those close to us.

I only drank 2-4 glasses a night but damn my glasses were big! The kids bought me a fishbowl one day to save me from going to the fridge, bless them.

I am happy i dont have those struggles anymore and it wasnt easy, this journey has not been easy for any of us but being where i am now is worth the effort I put in and the only one who can take that away from me is me. The only one that can tell me i can moderate or i was never that bad is me. The only person i have to prove anything to is me, the only one that has the guts and determination to succeed is me.

Take care all.

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Fellow Nesters!
Lots of good conversation!

The best time to take back your life is right now! Don't let AL take another day of your precious life. M
y work is very seasonal, so my pitch at the moment is get this stuff in BEFORE the holidays! It's very true here, too. If you get some good, solid time under your belt before the holidays, you are going to have an easier time with all the temptations that come along. Your investment will be too dear to sacrifice! Think ahead and get in front of this and you won't be sorry!
Here is how the scene plays out otherwise....

August 26. I mays well wait til Sept 1 to start. That's a GOOD ROUND NUMBER. Well, wata minute, Labor Day is Sept 7, so I better start after that. October rolls around and Halloween parties are planned....I'll wait until after THOSE are over. Next thing is Thanksgiving, who can quit then? I'll just wait until AFTER the holidays are over....Jan 1 it is. So if you think about it, you've wasted ANOTHER 4 months trying to beat this demon. Don't wait another day...kick it out and you will be so relieved. RELIEVED! Believe it or not, addiction is a burden and not carrying that around anymore is a blessing. Life is more simple and a sense of joy and peace has an opportunity to shine. Struggle no more! LET IT GO. It is NOT easy, but it is WORTH IT. I can live thru discomfort, I can't live with the consequences of drinking.
Hope everyone has a peaceful day. Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Good point, Byrdie. I went with a Thursday in late January - not a typical perfect day 1 for anything!!

Ava, I saw an image of a wine glass with a hose attached to the bottom so that it kept refilling as the person drank. It was supposed to be funny but it didn't at all seem that way to me. I remember trying to keep my glass at a "certain level" - it made me feel so stressed and uneasy when it got too low. Plus, it made counting "glasses" impossible, which seemed good at the time.

I was thinking about comparing ourselves to others in an effort to justify/normalize our drinking. Aside from being irrelevant to how we feel about our drinking, so many things affect our ability to metabolize alcohol - sex, body weight, % body fat, activity of alcohol-metabolizing enzymes, level of tolerance to alcohol, genetics, eating/not eating, etc. etc. etc.! Unless it is your identical twin, comparisons are futile. An Asian female with a BMI of 18 might be able to consume a fraction of what a Caucasian male with a BMI of 30 could drink with much worse consequences. All that matters is what any amount of alcohol does to you - mind, body, and spirit. It was consuming my mind, hurting my body, and crushing my spirit so it had to go.

[Starfish1]

Good Morning everyone.

Lots of good stuff again.

Dutch, what is NLT? I think I am doing that same type practice, but I didn't know it had a name or anything. I am just trying to think of myself in my younger (WAY younger) days, before my life was tainted with alcohol. I am picturing myself as a stronger, healthier, happier, sober, starfish. It does help. I haven't renamed myself and I am not talking to myself in more positive terms, but I think I will start. That sounds like a great idea. Also, I am trying to give myself credit for accomplishments, no matter how small they may be. This is all good for us, Dutch, Thanks!

Ava, glad to see you. I was missing you! Glad you are getting to spend time with Robert.

Byrdie, I LOVE your discussion about starting NOW and not waiting. The rabbit hole! How many years have I wasted in the damned rabbit hole :grr: No more though! Al will not take one more day of my life!

So....day 14 here! :happy2:

I'm doing very well, overall. Very happy to have the days in the bank for sure.

I have had a very few temptations over the past two weeks. The strongest ones, I think were yesterday afternoon. You see, I have been spending the past couple nights at the home of my step-mom, dog-sitting for her. I have had to deal with a lot of emotions while doing so. We lost my dad almost 15 months ago and this was his home and his beloved dog. I am still grieving over his death. Too many memories to sort through and too much unfinished business there. I can't go into it, but I have felt very sad. Also, my step mom has a plentifully stocked liquor cabinet. I have sat the dog 2 or 3 times since my daddy's death and the other times I was hitting the stash pretty hard. What a mess. Well I think I'll stop there, because I am going to try to think positive thoughts, like Dutch, but you can imagine the stress and negative self thinking that went along with that whole situation.

What I find has been helping the days go by so quickly and successfully is, of course, the support from MWO, keeping myself well-fed (stable blood sugar levels) and well-hydrated (mostly water), and a quick dismissal of any AL-related thoughts. I have found this to be very helpful in all my quits. DO NOT entertain the notion of drinking AT ALL. If a thought creeps in, dismiss it IMMEDIATELY---You don't drink!

I am using a half tablet of Antabuse every day also, as a back up. I really don't make a big deal of taking it. I have the dose mixed in with my vitamins and just swallow the whole handful. In fact, yesterday, when I was being troubled by some pesky inklings, I actually didn't remember, right at first, that I CAN'T drink. I had AB in my system. Well, that was that!!!

I plan to use AB as a tool for a while, until I get my sea legs and then just keep up the momentum. That's me plan!

Have a great day, folks!

[Guitarista]

Take good care of yourself Starfish.

[Matt M.]

Kensho- Since were being honest I'd like to say a few things, then I'll leave this alone.

In my opinion.
All your post go in full circle~
I have a problem, wait maybe not, definitely not, ok maybe so, yep I have a problem. Or do I? Can someone tell me if I do?

I'm at a loss as to what you really want out of this? A hand written, certified letter from a Doctor or " Alcohol expert" stating you are or are not an alcoholic?
Not going to happen.

There has been a lot of sound advice given to you and us on this topic over the last few days. Yet your back to the same question? " Thanks all for the advice BUT- does it have to be none all the time? Etc,etc and the circle begins again....
Simply due to the amount of time you have spent on this site, rationalizing, justifying, contemplating drinking tells me there is a problem between you and Al. And right now it has you like a boa constrictor and until the head of the beast is severed it can and will continue to suck the life out of you.

I don't expect this post will make me popular, so be it. My intentions are not ill , I sincerely hope you can find your way. ...
Matt

[Byrdlady]

[KENSHO]

It was consuming my mind, hurting my body, and crushing my spirit so it had to go.

Such a powerful statement NS. Your points are so true. 2-4 is irrelevant. I'm not sure why I have been so hung up on that… anything to keep AL in my life I guess…

AVA, I'm not interested in lying or exaggerating, I'm only interested in understanding. I get that it can only be "me" who makes the ultimate decisions, but it helps a lot for me to bounce ideas and questions around. Unfortunately, I've been hung up on a few things for a very long time because I have been worried about being destructive to others by discussing them - yet I needed to discuss them to move forward. How bad is BAD?, how much means “never again”? Of course I wanted to believe I wasn’t bad and I could drink again, and because I never really inquired, I made assumptions that reinforced my desires. By finally asking, I don't feel I've changed anyone's path, I don't think anyone decided to be a drinker again - and the posts these past two days have made a world of difference to me. I think as a support forum, people need to feel free to ask the hard questions. We all need different information to piece together a recovery. And luckily, we are all willing to share what we know if it helps someone else

Thank you all so very much for your honest answers. I came here because I didn't like how I was living, what AL was doing to me. I had to wonder if I could just minimize my use. I had to try that, because its my nature. But for several reasons, I can for see alcohol always being an addictive substance for me - no matter the quantity. Damn! I am starting to accept that. Thank you all for being friends, offering support and helping me understand my relationship with AL - it turns out to be very similar to that of many people here, and that is very comforting.

[KENSHO]

I have a problem, wait maybe not, definitely not, ok maybe so, yep I have a problem. Or do I? Can someone tell me if I do?

Yep, that is exactly what I have done. I'm sorry that that has been annoying Not everyone can just say "enough" and be done. I have always known that alcohol was a problem for me, but I never knew "how bad" or if "never" was my path. I've had to figure that out. Your post a couple of days ago was very helpful to me. I will say though that if this needs to be a black and white forum where people are unable to process and discuss, then a lot of people will be left out.

What I want? To not struggle with alcohol.

[Pie]

Hi Kensho, On the "never" question, maybe you could table it for now, with the idea that "never" can be a place you get to, but doesn't need to be the place you start from. I think that's how it's working for me.

[Matt M.]

Yep, that is exactly what I have done. I'm sorry that that has been annoying. Not everyone can just say "enough" and be done. I have always known that alcohol was a problem for me, but I never knew if "never" was my path. I've had to figure that out. If this needs to be a black and white forum where people are unable to process and discuss, then a lot of people will be left out.

What I want? To not struggle with alcohol.

I never stated nor insinuated that this needs to be a "black and white forum"
I am giving my opinion on the viscous cycle that you appear to be on.
So I'll put the ball back in your court, your recent post brought up great discussions, that I appreciate, why are my observations and opinions on this dicussion " black and white" or labeled?

[Starfish1]

What I want? To not struggle with alcohol.

The only way to do that, my dear, is to give it up, completely. Otherwise, you will be in its grasp forever. When you posted some of your drinking habits yesterday, I realized that we are very much alike, Kensho. We have no power over alcohol.
You want to know "How bad is bad?" I think what you were describing, and what I have been doing is bad. It hasn't helped me or my family for sure. It's bad, Kensho. You should stop. I hope this helps you.

xoxo

[KENSHO]

I never stated nor insinuated that this needs to be a "black and white forum"
I am giving my opinion on the viscous cycle that you appear to be on.
So I'll put the ball back in your court, your recent post brought up great discussions, that I appreciate, why are my observations and opinions on this dicussion " black and white" or labeled?

I guess I just want to feel free to try different things and gather information until it makes sense to me, and share that. I wasn't directing the black and white to you - just in general and I'm sorry that it sounded that way.

I know that my posts have been unpopular to some, for sure. I'm just sharing truthfully and asking for what I need, and things make a lot more sense to me now. I am feeling like I understand that alcohol will ALWAYS be a problem for me, and that nothing good will come with keeping it in my life. I hope, though, that when doubts to this come up for me - and I'm sure I will have them - I can share them. And I hope I can return the favor at some point and give support to others who have questions of their own.

[Starfish1]

I guess I just want to feel free to try different things

What different things are you talking about, Kensho?