Newbies Nest

[dyingtobealive]

That's a good point you bring up, Pavati. I'd say any of my addictions (alcohol, eating disorder, drugs, etc) have stemmed from some sort of anxiety or attempt to just escape from the pain. And I've been trying to escape from the pain for so long now (going on 20 years...) that I don't know anything else. Without some vice to hold onto or fall back on, I feel lost and vulnerable. I totally agree that alcohol makes anxiety and depression worse. For me it was always a catch 22 - Lots of people at a party = social anxiety = me drinking to loosen up = me doing something stupid = more social anxiety = more alcohol next time = on and on and on. And it made me accomplish nothing. I'd attempt to have a drink or two at night while getting things done and then I'd get too far into the bottle, then I'm too tired so I just veg out and watch TV, go to bed too late and then be worth nothing at work the next day because I was too hungover. I've accomplished SO MUCH in these past 8 days it's been ridiculous. All house projects done. Cleaning, laundry, dishes caught up. Have played with my daughter without thinking: "Oh my god I'm going to puke from drinking too much" or "I can't sit here and play, I have 1000 other things to do."

The difference is amazing. It's still difficult. I find myself longing for that glass of wine when I get home to "relax". When in reality, it did the opposite of relax me. (Well, maybe if I could stop at one I'd be relaxed.)

I like what you said: "In the short term you might be able to forget for a moment..." and that is what I have to keep reminding myself of. That the short term feeling of drinking is nothing compared to the misery that follows - both physically and mentally.

I'm really trying to focus on the short term right now, you know, "What's one more night of being sober going to hurt?" Because if I start thinking long term, I immediately think: "I'm sure in a couple of months I'll be able to drink like a normal person. It'll be fine." According to my track record, it won't be fine. So one day at a time.

A dip in the Indian Ocean sounds amazing! But, I'll have to settle for something else. Since it's San Diego, I'm assuming the weather will be nice enough for me to go for a run - if not, I'll head to the gym. I also plan on scouting out some museums and amazing restaurants to stuff my face with as much seafood as I can. Screw the wine, give me shrimp!

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters,
I'm just reading tonight.. dead tired. I appreciate the thoughtful/thought provoking posts very much.
Alive, well done on your first week+. You're sounding strong and in good spirits!

Hugs all around and see you in the morning..

[Princess_to_J]

Just a quick check in from me tonight, I've not long gotten in from fat club and had dinner. I'm exhausted even though I've done nothing today,. I even had a nap after lunch.

Day one AF done with, looking forward to being hangover free in the morning and not having to throw up etc .

Alive a week in San Diego sounds fab, enjoy your free time..

Bedtime awaits.. night guys x

[Lavande]

Happy Hump day Nesters

Not as much rain here today & absolutely no snow, yay!
I don't think I have the energy to deal with winters much anymore, oh well.

Princess, hello to you & congrats on your first AF day! Keep going, you won't be sorry!

Alive, one thing I couldn't grasp in the beginning was that after a while, AF becomes your new 'normal' & the struggle is over. It takes a while to get there but you will. It feels fabulous to see the AF weeks & months going by & you just feel happy, healthy & personally empowered - really

LS, you stick to your guns & don't allow your Mom or anyone make you feel unworthy or powerless. Keep working on those boundaries too. My Dad was the one who undermined me & my 3 brothers all his life. It was his pathetic attempt to control everything & everyone. He passed in 1998 & I still don't miss him to be perfectly honest. You look out for yourself always!

Pav, I too have a chronically depressed spouse, it's not easy. Medication helped him for a while but of course he decided he didn't need it any longer ~ wrong. Honestly, the only way I survived was learning to detach. I drank to medicate the emotional pain & that had to stop. The only way for me to remain AF was to stop worrying about him. I focused on myself & my grandkids for 4 years while he went off on his own journey to figure out his problems. He returned deciding that he wanted what I wanted - peace! So here we are coming up on 44 years of marriage in June, we haven't killed each other yet. It is peaceful, not exactly exciting but it is what it is. Sometimes we just have to let things unfold on their own. We just can't fix everything.

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Lost Soul]

Hi all,
I checked the vanilla in my cupboard & it has 35% alcohol by volume in it, which is suprisingly high & actually had a quick glance around but no other culprits - thankyou for the heads up Pauly! School open days this week fall on fri/sat which is good as the kids were exhausted after the midweek ones last week!
Wagmor, were fortunate not to suffer from very cold winters too often being so close to the sea - the last was 7 years ago! Getting around safely was really difficult so glad things are returning to normality for you!
Nursie, sounds like you have alot going on - I think youre managing really well & think music is a great way to cheer yourself up :happy2: I know antabuse makes you ill? You still got through your craving yourself & chose positive activities to help you so should be very proud of that x
Alive, well done on reaching day 8, I don't have anyone in my home who drinks - I admire you and anyone else in that situation - it must be so hard. I'm sorry you are having a tough time with you mum too - it's not nice :sad: I started with an abusive relationship & worked backwards & I found learning about ways to cope helpful (but always a work in progress like with alcoholism) a useful resource for this was out of the 'FOG' (Fear Obligation Guilt) website & have my 'other toolbox' now with the 51% rule and the 3 C' 'I didn't cause it, I can't cure it & I can't control it.' Really 'believing & feeling' the I can't control it is the hardest for me because I carried alot of self blame and letting that go left me feeling very vulnerable & frightened. Acknowledging that my mum developed negative behaviors long before I came along & will have regardless of what I do is sad but liberating because its when you realise 'there's nothing wrong with me'! As painful as the truth might be, it places me in a position where I can choose my own path :happy2:
Princess, nice to have you here & well done on day 1 - I found the nest so supportive with becoming AF, I'm early in my sobriety but wouldn't have been able to achieve it otherwise x
Pav - your so right about excuses, as an alkie I can find any excuse to drink, its someones birthday,I had a bad childhood, it's Tuesday...the list is endless. I remember you mentioned 'giving up our uniqueness' & think I understood it to mean regardless of what other problems we had/have its important to remember that I have to take responsibility to adress my problem of alcoholism & take whatever ever steps nessecary to achieve sobriety. I think it's important not to lose sight of this. A big step of this is changing from my stinkin drinkin thinkin to gratitude in sobriety & positives I have in my life x
I think we all have different struggles & problems & if they affect us, while it is important to deal with those, we should be mindful to do it seperately. I think if I let my stinkin drinkin thinkin loose, because of how alcoholism affects people there's a risk of my alkie brain using my problems as an excuse which would be very unhealthy pattern of behaviour to go down. There is a vulnerable period, when you stop self medicating with alcohol, when things that affect still do & I guess it goes back to responsibility for me in finding healthier ways to overcome these difficultis x
Kensho & LC glad your taking time to relax x
Orimus, good luck for tomorrow, sending you strength :happy2:
Wishing you a safe & sober Wednesday
LS

[Byrdlady]

Congrats, Princess, for getting thru your dirst day AF!
I remember during those first days thinking, IF ONLY I could have one glass, then Id be ok! But a deeper dive into that quickly revealed that 1 glass wasnt going to do anything for me. 'Just move on' is what I told myself and it worked.
Alive, company functions take planning. I used to always be first at the cocktail reception and one of the ones to stay up til 2 and 3am drinking. I dont know how I did that. I even flew thru certain airports because they had a wine store in the concourse. Those werent the days. Exhausting. Now I go to those receptions late and get an AF drink in my hand before someone offers to get me something. I always get my own drink and I use it as a deterrent. I dont trust someone getting my drink for me. Yes, my quit is THAT important. I eat something before I go to the predinner cocktail party...we mistake hunger for cravings. I do eat the meal and even dessert. I leave early. I just slip out, don't announce it....no one notices. You will feel like a superhero once you have done this and get back to your room. Just because the booze is free doesnt mean it doesnt come at a cost....and that cost is too high for me.
If you are in the US, I'll be happy to give you my contact info so you can call or text me if you need a morale boost. I have now atteneded many, many business meetings sober, it is the best!
Pav, I remember one of Rahul's stories where he was in the airport and had just blown his quit and feeling like shit. He noticed a man enter the bar area with his own entourage. Obviously a very important diplomat, possibly royalty of some sort....and HE ordered tea. We only THINK we need AL. Thats what it wants us to think. How will we ever live without drinking again? Quite well, actually. Quite well, indeed! Byrdie

[Matthew6]

What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."

As the daily reprieves add up, the recovering alcoholic will notice his mind becoming clearer, his health improving, his relationships getting better, and his self-esteem increasing. The recovering alcoholic will learn how to live life on life's terms without alcohol--one day at a time.

Thy will, not my will be done.

[Guitarista]

Hello nesters near and not so freakin far,

Good to see you Mathew. How are ya?

Some bonza posts from ev'body. Brill post LS! I've noticed i'm getting a little overwhelmed/pissed off with my teaching english course i do 2 nights per week along with some day class practice/being assessed (might be able to do it later). I'm doing ok, but i'm not quite grasping some of the basic grammar stuff. Dunno, i've never understood what my teacher has been waffling on about since day 1! lol. I have to protect my sobriety, so i've cancelled my day class practice/me being assessed, as i'm finding it gets me worked up a little when my marks are low cause i'm not grasping the grammar aspect and i don't like some academic boffin with fk all social skills telling me where i can improve. Not their fault i know, just gets me thinking ....'now listen punk!' etc. Not very professional i know. ha. The general presentation and student engagement is a cinch. These things are sent to test us i think!

Pardon the waffle, but i'm trying to tie in how emotionally charged situations can be managed before they blow up into a 'fk it, fk u all' attitude, and to boozing and checking out. No Ma'am. I'm just a big kid but I'll work it out.

Day 159. Let's git it pilgrims.

[Nursie]

Late night check in for me. What a shit storm of a day!
Remember when I was talking about the perfect storm for a relapse? Well it sure did progress.
I was very stressed out, anxious, and frankly, pissed off. My husband has essentially checked out of the marriage, and when we finally talked about it, he blamed it on me. He said that I have been sick for two years and he hasn't changed so I'm trying to make him change now that I feel better.
Wellll, I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, but I do know that I have my own standards, boundaries and expectations to run a healthy household. And him being depressed and angry without treatment is not healthy for any of us. We had a pretty big argument because he wasn't hearing me. I made my point finally but I feel we have a long way to go to improve what has been damaged.
I still want to drink very badly but I am not.

This morning I woke up with that very guilty feeling, as if just that desire to drink placed my mind in a fugue state of hangover and regret. I was o glad I didn't drink and I took my antabuse right away. I'm vulnerable now and I have to protect my quit no matter what, no matter who, no matter where.

[Marylou123]

Quick, quick check in....

Nursie, way to go protecting that quit. My hubs was an ass#*~+ today too. :happy2:
Keep up the great work!

Night all.

[lifechange]

Morning Nesters!
I have to say, I'd give about a million bucks to be able to stay at home today! Instead, I'm having a second cup of coffee..

Nursie, I am very proud of you for putting yourself first and not drinking even though the temptation to escape is huge. I drank "at" my partner for years.. and even up until a couple of weeks ago. It's a daily challenge for me (for all of us) to pull back and find a quiet space to reconnect with ourselves and find our strength. I keep reminding myself that the only thing I really HAVE (along with my spirituality which I think is one and the same) is my sobriety. Actually, no one can take it from me and it's the one "weapon" I have in that it allows me to be fully present in my mind... which allows me to take care of myself, to see what needs to be done, what can be done.. it allows me to take a step back and see things for what they really are. Though you were probably very difficult to live with while you were drinking, you are not the reason for your husband's depression and bad behaviour.. it's on him (as it is on all of us) to take care of himself, find peace within himself regardless of everything going on around him. Easier said than done, but that is what we're doing here, right? I know you know all of this.. just wanted to give my support. You've been in such a good space with yourself and you can/will get through this shit storm a stronger woman yet!

Princess, Congrats on doing day 1!. That is huge.. I'll just say that my greatest Tool and the promise I made to myself is to check in here AND write each and every day no matter what. Also to come here first if I feel any sort of craving/urge to drink. Let us know how you're doing..

G-man, sounds like a good decision to put off the assessment for awhile. It's so important for us to become very much in touch with how we are feeling and to know when something is just too much. No matter what it is.. thanks so much for sharing that with us. You're rockin' it with 159 days!

Pav, super post!! Great idea to focus on why we aren't drinking..instead of trying to analyze why/how we got to where we are..that is the past, right? And though it's ok to kind of "get it", I don't think it's necessary to spend a lot of time there. We have some control over today (at least whether or not we decide to drink) but that's it. I've been trying to change this way of thinking in other areas of my life as well.. mostly with this "failed" relationship I'm getting out of. I don't know how much time I already wasted on trying to "figure it all out".. it doesn't really matter now. I know what I've learned from it, what I will try to do better next time, what I will no longer put up with.. but it doesn't in any way help me (or change anything) to dwell on the could've-s and should've-s. Doesn't do me any good to blame the guy either.. I'm finding that the anger really just makes me feel bad, in my gut and in my heart. It's been helping me a lot to focus and spend my energy on keeping myself sober.. I'm finding strength in knowing that NO ONE (except I) can take that from me. Am I sounding like a preacher?:happy2: I do have to keep reminding myself of that. And like you said, Alive, it often helps me to focus on the very short term instead of on months or forever.. but that's what I'm beginning to like. If I'm feeling good, I can think about the rest of my wonderful life without alcohol..It's such an amazing place to be. And if I'm struggling I can focus on just getting through the day or the hour. At the moment I feel very fortunate to see this journey as a huge part (the most important) of my life's work. And all of you people here are helping me to really see HOW important it is.. how everything else hinges on my sobriety. At this point in my life (and for the rest of my life) I don't have anything if I don't have that.

Ok. Now I'm a bit late for work.. I think I have to ice skate to get there! Wishing you all a good Thursday.:hug:

[Princess_to_J]

Morning Nestie's

Quick check in before work to wish you all a good morning / afternoon / evening/goodnight wherever you may be.

Well I woke up to day 2 feeling hungover, I know this isn't the case as I didn't drink enough Tuesday for a 3 day hangover, something which was becoming a common occurrence. I guess maybe my body was expecting one.

Well today I'm going to clear out all the empties secreted around the house, what a lovely guilt trip that will be, but it'll be nice not having the stress any more about them being discovered.

Hope everyone has a good day today

L x

[mario]

Morning nesters, great post Pavita, Really enjoyed reading that.

Its very cold here last few days, which is ok as that to will pass like all my other little annoyances. Thanks for everyone posting it makes my day happier.

[Byrdlady]

Hang in there, everyone.....that sounds SO cliche. Ridiculous, really. But I am reminded that this day, 6 years ago, was one of the very worst of my life. It ranked right up there with the death of my brother, mother and dad. It was the day my hubs of 24 years told me he was leaveing beacuse of my drinking. He packed a small bag and left that night. I don't remember my last drink, all I really remember is crying uncontrollably and my little dog crying too....I'd never seen that before. The look on my dear husband's face was one of FEAR and DISGUST. He had threatened to leave before.....but I kept choosing AL over him. I didn't think he would actually leave, either, so I began to hide it and lie even more. Enough was enough for this patient, wonderful man....he truly deserved better. The next day he came back to get some more clothes and I pleaded with him for ONE MORE CHANCE. Mind you, this was my last gasp.....I HAD TO MAKE THIS QUIT STICK. It took time (a lot of time) but I have regained his trust. Our marriage is stronger than ever, and I do not miss AL one bit....this took time (a lot of time) too.

I hung in there....NO MATTER WHAT. I was out of options (where drinking was concerned). Being sober is now one of my greatest accomplishments (in my humble opinion) and I am protecting it with everything I've got. Could I maintain my quit if I didn't check in here every day? MAYBE....but I'm not willing to chance my life of a deck of cards that is stacked against me. I check in! It works for me and I've seen it work for others, too. I have seen the opposite as well....someone gets a string of days and thinks a cure has been achieved, but I've got some news, this takes ongoing support. Drifting away derails most people, and I've seen it enough around here to know I don't want to be one of them!

I'm not proud of being an alcoholic, but I am VERY proud of being one in RECOVERY!
Hang in there....Byrdie

[Nursie]

Morning, thanks for the beautiful posts everyone. The nest always gives me a good start to my day.
Hubby has his doctor's appointment today so we are happy about that.
My oncologist is having me go for a brain scan next week. Ugh. I hate scans.
Plastic surgeon today though, going to talk about the last surgery for my boobies and getting my port taken out. Woo!
So, mixed emotions.
Have a super day everyone