Newbies Nest

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

evening nesters

Kiwi your post is the reason why I can never have that one drink and gives me determination to keep sober. To me you sound as if you are scared you will let yourself down again so you go back to drinking or just keep drinking. The fear of failure is an awful feeling but you need to bite the bullet and take it one day at a time. We are so hard on ourselves us alcoholics, our own worst enemy really. How did you do your 2 weeks af? i know you posted on here regularly and seemed happy with your achievements. Having support is a must in getting sober. We need to keep all those thoughts out of our brains as much as possible and sharing them helps and doesnt make things seem so bad. The nest is a wonderful place to share the good, the bad and the ugly. You havent failed Kiwi you have a case of the guilt, shame and remorses (GSR) for what you want and what you havent done. All we can do is take it each day, minute and hour at a time. You have reached out on MWO for help and that is a great start, tomorrow you plan to post on here which is fantastic, the little changes to your life make the world of difference to our thoughts. Perseverance and determination is what we need, you just cant drink, end of story! I am giving up smoking and thats my motto. At the moment i am 30% happier than what i was 3 weeks ago and that is a positive. i know everyone tells me how much better i will feel, how much money i will save but i dont care. i liked smoking, i loved drinking but there comes a time when we have to put our big boy pants on and do it. We can give every excuse under the sun but at the end of the day its up to us to put in the 110% work needed to stop or we can keep doing what we are doing. Dont think of never just think of this week, be gentle on yourself and stop beating yourself up. Make little plans to do things, we dont need to run a marathon or climb a mountain when we first stop drinking, we need to give ourselves some self care. Fill the fridge up with food, subscribe to netflix and just take it easy. That is what i have done for 3 weeks, its scary out in that world for me atm, too much temptation to buy those cancer sticks!. i go to work, come home and stay here. if i have to go out and feel like i will buy smokes then i just dont go out. i wont starve to death if i dont and i have relapsed so many times with this venture also. Im being kind to myself just as you should be to yourself.

See you tomorrow.

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone,

I just read through all the posts and it's nearly midnight here. Busy day for me. I walked yesterday and then did it again today. I haven't exercised in so long and it felt really good. I'm 15 days now and it's starting to feel sureal waking up without a hangover. I don't have heaps of energy, but I don't feel so beat up.

Kensho, it sounds pretty bad with your husband. I don't think I could handle what you explained in your last post either, it sounds like he is actually peer-pressuring you and that is not ok. I particulary didn't like the part you mentioned where he is putting you down for not being happy, or fun etc. That's not good at all. I believe you that it isn't true, but even if you are down, isn't that ok too? He is being shallow, and mean. Probably just being selfish about not wanting to drink alone. I'd be beyond fuming. Sounds like he better get his act together and soon or he will be hitting the road. Good for you on putting your sobriety first!! You sound strong with alot of respect for yourself which is awoesome.

G-man, I can't wait to feel how it feels to get that far along in my sobriety. You sound happy, even if your hairstyle is weird. ;-)

Seeker, I get muddled by addressing people by name too! I'm glad it's not just me. But I appreciate each and every post!!

Kiwi, I feel for you doing it so hard right now. It really sounds like you are in a very scary place. Can you go to your GP and ask for help? There is no shame in that, your body is fighting so hard and you may need some help for sleep. Please don't be embarrassed here, it's a step in the right direction. Everyone knows that desperate horrific feeling. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

I had four years sober too and then made a knee-jerk decision to say yes to one drink on an airplane after a terrible fight with my sister. 4 years later here I am, trying to get myslef back to that amazing place I was before I made the poor choice to say yes, just once. I tried quitting again a few years ago, but it didn't stick. I feel like it will now. I'm so sick of feeling sick. You know it gets better if you stop and only worse if you keep drinking.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Choices and Seeker - there is definitely no requirement or expectation that folks address everyone (or even a few people) by name. Some of us frequently write posts like that, some of us rarely or never. I'd say most people are a mix. I can't speak for everyone, but in my opinion what's important, and helpful, is just that you post. Share how things are on your end, share observations related to current conversation topics, follow up with an individual if you want. Even short "fly by" posts help keep the energy up in the nest. We are glad you are here, however you prefer to show up!

Kiwi - sorry to hear you're struggling. I think we've all been in similar spots and can sympathize and empathize. It sounds like you need to find the tools that work best for you. Have you checked out the toolbox thread? Ava's suggestion to go back to one day at a time is a great place to start. As disordered drinkers, we tend to frame things as long-term - 30 day goals, or never drink again, or whatever. But in reality, the only day we really have control over is today. And at the beginning especially, it can be helpful to just worry about today, or this hour, or the next ten minutes if need be. You CAN do this - you've demonstrated that. Let's help you find the right tools to get your momentum going in the right direction again. Posting here was a great first step. What will be next for you today?

Kensho - As a few others have said, it sounds like you've reached a new level of understanding about your husband. It might, in fact, come down to choosing between him and sobriety. And I hate to say this, but please be sure to place health, well-being, and deep down true happiness on the side of sobriety. Not to say you can't have those with your hubs - you just can't truly have them with drinking. I hope he will not force the choice to come down to that. From my perspective as an outsider, just based on what you've said, I do believe that much of his behavior, many of his words, are about issues of his own. Sadly, people sometimes hate to see other people change, grow, move on, or "grow up" as the case may be. He may be coming from a place of fear of what he thinks he'll lose if you don't drink - his drinking buddy, perhaps his "permission" to drink or drink too much, something he associates with being younger or less adult... I don't know, I'm just tossing possible ideas out - you know better than we do what he might be thinking/feeling.

Regardless, if it's down to you and us nesters to help you protect your quit, sign me up! I'd bet everyone else here is on board as well. How can we best support you? :hug:

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Somewhere between yesterday and today (Day 547.5 to be precise), I reached my 18-month milestone. Boy does it feel good. I've reached a point where I truly see living the rest of my life without al. Occasionally I still daydream about what I think I'm missing, but my "I don't drink" voice is strong. I am quick to remind myself that al is trying to trick me, to lure me into a mirage that never really existed. I have found that the "one drink test" is helpful for me: if the temptation to drink comes up, I consider what having only one drink would do for me. Like if that's my option, would I take it. The answer is always no, it would do nothing for me - I do not want one drink, I've never wanted one drink. I actually truly loathe the idea of one drink, as it feels far worse than zero. No, if I'm being honest with myself, there would be no one drink - there would be absolute minimum two, but I'm sure that would quickly devolve into 3, 4, 5...

Feeling good at 18 months. This is my longest quit since my ten years. If I can do this, any of you can. One day + one day + one day...

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I sure believe all of you when you say it is hard to get your head back in the right place to quit again after successfully quitting in the past and then giving it up.
That happens to me with almost all behavior changes that take some effort such as exercising regularly or eating in what for me is the "right" way.

To get my brain back to where I want it to be, reading books, blogs, or articles on the subject or watching videos really helps. It is a form of brainwashing, I guess, but when our brains aren't operating the way we want them to, they need to be washed!!

In the past I tried to get a couple threads going for easy access to these brainwashing materials :listening_headphone:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/general-discussion/90684-online-media-toolbox.html

https://www.mywayout.org/community/general-discussion/90632-movies-books-music.html

And maybe writing out your relapse story would be helpful to you, at the same time it definitely will help those of us who read it:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/general-discussion/73619-relapse-retrospect.html

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava - great job on continuing to be smoke free! I hope it continues to get easier.

Seeker - just like G said, I relate to this. I’m very reactionary. I could be reaching for the wine bottle before I even realize what’s happening.

Haha, G - love my hairstyle. Minus the color, that’s actually pretty accurate on most days. It’s a wavy/curly, thick mess.

NS - wonderful words about dreams and day thoughts. I had a horrific dream last night (no booze involved, though.) Sounds pretty tame when I say it out loud, but I woke up in a sheer panic, shaking and sweating. Took me a good hour to calm back down and get back to sleep. Had every intention of waking up early to walk on the treadmill this morning, but after that dream I couldn’t force myself to go in our basement alone so I opted to sleep in. I think most of the panic set in was that I was in a situation (kidnapping) where I had to get my daughter out by any means necessary - even if it meant risking others’ (like my husband’s or parents’) lives. I was able to do it and woke up when we were safe, but damn it if I couldn’t get out of that dream before that.

Kensho - I’m sorry you are dealing with that with your husband. I have no advice except to keep listening to yourself. We’re good at putting on that mask. But you know you best and sounds like moderation doesn’t work for you (or any of us, right?) YOU know that and that’s what’s really important. He absolutely shouldn’t put you down, though. That’s not right. If you feel like you are laughing and happy, I hope he sees that soon.

K1 - despite the setbacks, I think it’s great you keeping coming back here. You’ll get it. You know what to do. No judgement here! I think we’ve all been there.

Congrats to Byrdie and Marylou!!

What is this check splitting thing? I have honestly never had anyone suggest that! (Maybe we don’t go out enough??) But we’ve always paid for our own meals, or someone is kind enough to pick up the whole check. Our bills are usually outrageous - because we don’t eat out a lot for nice dinners - we we’re usually getting steak, appetizers and drinks. I would never expect anyone to split it with us.

I watched in horror as my husband poured an ENTIRE drink down the sink last night. Someone bought him whiskey for Christmas and it’s not a whiskey he likes. He tried to mix it with Sprite to see if he’d like it - he didn’t - so down the sink it went. Then he went on with his evening. WHHAAAAAAT???? He’s contemplating just dumping the whole bottle. This is a foreign concept to me, but one that I can definitely respect!

Woke up yesterday with what I can only describe as a hangover. Except there was no drinking. No nausea, but that ringing in my ears and headache and general malaise had me in a bad mood all day.

Eating and exercising - I just can’t get on the bandwagon. Where do you all get your energy and self-control from? I thought I had it (hello eating disorder days!) but as of recent I’m just exhausted and want chips and bad things. Maybe I’m taking on too much. Maybe this week I should focus on just the eating part and let the exercise go by the way side. I brought only “healthy” snacks to work today, but I’m half way through them already. Bleck.

On a positive note I got my kitchen island painted. I absolutely love the way it turned out, but man was it too much work on my back. Took about 6 hours from start to finish and bending and sitting on the hard floor was just too much. I was useless the rest of the Saturday (and maybe that’s what had me feeling so terrible on Sunday.) Grout is next, which I’m hoping won’t be so labor intensive.

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello all. Quick fly by this morn, busy day, which is good. Reading these posts really lift me up. I laughed about moonking's reaction to her hubby dumping the drink and maybe the bottle! Totally relate! Everyone have a great day! I'm doing very well thank you very much! Take care allllllll...

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kiwi, I wanted to give you a hug. :hug: Lots of good advice here. I particularly love Ava’s thoughts: There comes the time we decide to be done and have to “just do it”, despite the discomfort.

As alohol-abusers, we get used to indulging to take any pain away. When the discomfort of life hits, we want a “go to” to relieve it. That’s the hard part. Maybe someone with the proper terminology can state it better, but I believe that when we find other solutions to dealing with those really hard times, we form new neural pathways. These new pathways eventually become our “go to”. But it takes time to form these new brain highways, so forging them takes a special amount of focus and commitment and support. Keep trying and give yourself a no-alcohol rule, no matter what and let’s get through this beginning hard part together!

In response to what Wagmore said about naming everyone on posts - I will say this. In the beginning, I am not good at helping others because I’m so stuck in my own crap and needing support. I think everyone here understands that. As the healing continues, it feels more natural to have the capacity to offer thoughts and support to others. Don’t put pressure on yourself to post anything other than what helps you at the time, and that may change as recovery progresses.

My husband is unhappy. Generally. And he drinks because it gives him pleasure, temporarily. At dinner this last weekend, alcohol came up. My friends and my husband told how the first thing they looked forward to after work was getting home and getting a beer. My husband said that he just needed to get a sparkling water in his hands and the craving diminished. He has never spoken of his cravings before. Then they all began to talk about how alcohol is good for you. I was going to keep out of the conversation completely, but then had to say, “alcohol is a neurotoxin”. Then I got up to use the restroom.

I think that the hubs struggles with my decision to quit because we were similar drinkers. He was able to not drink nightly and didn’t hide shots, but he evidently likes it as much as I did. And once he gets going, he doesn’t stop - he chases a hefty buzz. He knows that on some level he has an addiction. And me quitting slaps that right in his face, so he is trying to discredit my reasoning. He’s a good person, has a good heart, an adventurous spirit and I love him. Unfortunately, he learned some manipulative, asshole behaviors from his dad, when fighting his own insecurities.

Like all of you said, the most important thing right now (not planning to leave him any time soon NS), is that I focus on me, my quit and my health. I remember that I was feeling pretty strong at 6 months af, and balanced, and able to sift through and deal with his B.S. in a non-reactive manner. I remember being pretty clear on what I should own, and what had nothing do to with me in regards to his words. THAT - that self-assurance and self-power were the first things to go when I took that first drink last May. I am absolutely amazed at the power alcohol has over me to make me forget what I stand for and want and own - almost immediately.

Anyway, long one today! I also wanted to say to you all and the universe that I noticed several really positive things this morning that gave me such hope in humanity. There are empathetic, good-hearted people everywhere, contrary to what our politics seems to indicate currently. In general, people want to be good to each other. Have a positive day everyone!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Moonking, I sense a fellow overachiever! Don't forget that you are working very hard at being pregnant. You are growing a human and don't need the added pressure of a rigorous diet and exercise regimen! Time for that when your new little one is about a year old. Until then, focus on just not drinking! Glad you like your cabinets!!

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks for posting Kiwibro, I can very much relate to your situation as I'm sure most everyone else does too. Babysteps bro. Prepare for the w/d, you know already you will have some sleepless nights and a lot of anxiety. Keep your mind busy, try to accomplish physical tasks, drink water, eat as soon as you can and take at least a multi-vitamin everyday. You will get better with every day. I come here when I start feeling anxious and it always calms me down. Forgive yourself and move forward. Your post and your honesty show that you want a better life. I totally understand Kiwi. You can do it if you want to. Take care buddy and keep us informed, ok?

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks for all your messages - I quickly read them. Not surprisingly I slept bad last night and ended up sleeping in and now I've got to rush to work. I feel rough this morning (no surprise!) but hopeful. The one piece of advice I'm taking today is to take it one day at a time - concentrate on just today rather than long term - I think I can handle that! Have a great day people, will check in tonight...

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening Nest,

Welcome back seeker and kiwi.

Had a really sad day yesterday. I got to my great nephews party and across the room, saw my son standing there. I thought it was a great surprise and was so tickled to see him. College is only 30 minutes away, so it's not unusual for him to come home every now and then. Then as I walked over to him, I saw something sad in his eyes. No one but us moms know when something is wrong with our kids.

We stood out of the way of most people and he started telling me what was going on with him. I thought he'd been doing great after making some changes last week. But what he told me was the last thing I ever wanted to hear. He is struggling badly with social anxiety disorder/phobia, the disorder that I've had for most of my adult life. The one that caused such a depression, and I began to drink heavily just to numb my pain. I used to think I'd rather be dead than deal with this, or I'd rather have been diagnosed with cancer. The severity of my disorder was so bad, I still rarely eat with colleagues as I had so many traumas. I've prayed so much that I did not pass this onto him, but who can fight against genes or God's plan.

I cried a lot last night, feeling all the pain come back to me, imagining my baby going thru the same suffering as I did. I did think momentarily about drinking away my pain after I'd dropped him back off at school. But I kept driving to my safe home.

I took off work today. I was in no mental shape to go, and frankly, didn't care about missing a day. All I wanted to do was make sure I got a doc appointment for son as soon as I could. Then I started researching good books with simple tools and strategies for him and bought one. Then rearched good supplements that he could begin taking while we're waiting for appointment. I don't know if pcp will begin to prescribe for him as he's taken care of me and the same issues, or if he will recommend a psychiatrist. At any rate, at least he can see if these supplements will do him any good while we wait. And what I noticed that in 25 years, so much has changed with new supplements and the research that has been done on some of them. I chose the best one and got a Rush order. Yep, paid money for that but he's worth it.

I've talked to him so much in the last few days and week. Last few about this condition. I tried to explain a lot more is known about this disorder than when I first started getting treatment for it. I don't remember them even having a name for it, or they weren't able to diagnose me, only that I was depressed with anxiety. I told him that this is very treatable with the right combo of meds and therapy. Jeez...they even have online therapy that I found that takes you thru the same things as I did with CBT.

I'm still very down, as I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, let alone my son. He has a lot of depressed symptoms as well, and we talked about how I drank to numb myself and I'd never want him to do that. In fact al makes it all worse. He said, "don't worry mom, I'd never want to do that." I scared his ass straight, didn't I!

So, if anyone around here prays, I could use some for my son and me. Thoughts are good too, and comforting. Thanks for listening. I won't drink, because I don't drink, not ever. I will be a supportive mom and be here for him morning, noon, or night. I love him and he's worth having a sober mom to be there and to encourage and comfort him.

Love,

Jvo

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Jvo.

You and your son are in my thoughts my friend. I've said a prayer for you both. There are lot's of things we can do if we have anxiety. A lot more info and support out there these days i think. I suspect lot's of great online forums and face to face groups around. With a positive mind set, we can overcome anything. I truly believe that. Only coz i've seen it. Take good care of you.

Wags! 18 months booze free. That's what i'm talkin' about right there! Well done.

Good to see you Kbro. Go git it.

All fairly good here. Off for a run before the demons show up........

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I'm happy that our mild weather is still here. The cold will return soon enough I'm sure.

Jvo, I'm sure you are worried about your son, I would be as well. Your decision to stay strong & present for him is the right one!
Are there any student services available for him on campus? I seem to remember some sort of counseling available when my daughter was away at college. It's true that there has been a lot of advances in research & treatment of anxiety disorders. Try to stay calm & most of all stay positive for him & yourself. Trust that everything is going to be OK.

Wags, 18 months AF :welldone:
You will soon be an oldbie like me, ha ha! Great job

Kiwi, have you actually taken some time to sit & write out a plan? Sounds pretty basic but it really does help.
Look around the Tool box for some ideas & make a good working plan for yourself. Staying as close to home as possible for the first 3 months helped me get going. Getting rid of all AL in the house & vowing to buy no more was my very first step. We are here for you, check in often.

I was one of those people who used to address each & every nester every single day. Now, not so much, LOL
But I do think about everyone & please know you can always message me with any concerns - I will get back to you

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest.
Btw - my husband walked out front just before dinner to put something in the mailbox for tomorrow's pick up. As he was walking down the driveway on his way back to the house he said a fox was walking right along side of him - like a dog!!!! Thank goodness I had put the chickens away just 30 minutes earlier, crazy!!

Lav

[Jude58]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=21745]jvo[/MENTION] It sounds as though you are a great Mom and have a good relationship with your son. That alone will get you through a lot of tough times. Sending prayers your way.