My Story

[j-vo]

My Story

Great strength you showed A! Awesome

[available]

My Story

Thanks NS, my daughter especially knows my relationship with AL, just could not figure why she did it. I have told her I am on this site which I have not told anyone. I suppose she just did not have faith in me which is sad, but I showed her and will keep doing so.

Jvo I didnt want another drink, I'm drank out as I say lol. Best get these withdrawals over and done with as soon as possible I think. The no sleep drives me nuts though. I just keep thinking, I bought this on myself so suffer sunshine for a few days.

[available]

My Story

Well i now feel it is time to update this journal of mine that i started on the 21st November 2013. To look at this and see how far i have come since that time is amazing. I had forgotten about that Day 1 when Mia cruised around with a bottle of wine. I must have been determined this time as i am still doing what i am doing and its working.

My relationship with my mother is okay, we are talking or emailing which suits me still. I do not need her negativity but i love her. I have not told her i have given up al, i dont want to, i dont want her to put a negative into something that is so positive in my life. I am not doing it for her which i have done with a lot of things in my life, trying to please her, trying to earn her love. The only love i truly want is from my children and I have that.

My relationship with my father is beyond repair. I did not mention him much as the hurt is still deeply buried. To be honest when i was 18/19 we were on holiday with my father, step brother and uncle and we drank too much and had shots and i was blind drunk. My uncle took advantage of me. How did i feel, i blocked it out, i could not blame him, i was drunk, my self worth went downhill even more. I had to live with this, did i entice him. No i didnt, i know that now. My step mother told my father, for what reason you ask. I was the favourite, she wanted to take that away and she did, forever. My uncle told her to unburden himself. Great move that one but it was out in the open. My father rang me and asked me over the phone and then wiped me and my uncle completely. i have forgiven my uncle, we talk and he feels he should be the father that i dont have. The little girl in me still wants that love but thats life and he wasnt father material really, you know how some men should not be parents, he is one. I think i am saying this to be totally honest with myself that that was me then and it is not me now. I did not need to drown out the 20+ years after this drinking, i realise that now. The last time i seen him was at my brothers funeral and we said hello.

Off the track a bit there but it makes it easier to dissect things when in writing and i have a lot of dissecting to do with my life and make it right.

So how do i feel being sober 35 days? I feel like i have not felt for a very long time, i like myself, i enjoy knowing that i am here for my children everyday. I love waking up sober every one of these 35 days, i love knowing that i will go to sleep at night and wake up sober. I know i can drive sober, I can make decisions and remember them, i wont embarrass myself and my children ever again. I feel a contentment deep inside of me that i have not felt for such a long time, the inner turmoil is going, the hating myself and my life has nearly expended itself. I like learning who i really am and i like who i am and i especially like not lying anymore to myself and everyone else.

It was hard at first, farking hard, it would have been too easy to pick up a drink and stop the withdrawals, the al brain telling me one drink go on, you will feel better for it, but this time had to be for me and me only. Its still not easy, life never is but it is so much better.

The love and support and wisdom I have gained from MWO will remain with me forever. It can be done with hardwork and determination and support.

Oh god another essay, i have to learn to shut up at some stage but i will be back with an update of my sobriety. I want to be like Lav, Byrd and K9 that is my ultimate goal so i can give back in some way later on. Its good to have goals.

[spuddleduck]

My Story

available, thanks for update and please don't 'shut up'. I agree with you about dissecting things and writing it down. ive said before that I believe there is a hell of a lot more to not drinking than just 'not drinking'. a lot of us have spent a large part of our lives using alcohol to cover up/numb/take the edge off events in our lives. its hardly surprising that when we stop drinking we have to find a whole new way of dealing with things and getting our thoughts and feelings organised is part of doing this. you're doing so well and by your honesty and posting you're already giving back and helping others.

[HumbleRider]

My Story

Available,
I love this update. It shows how very strong and determined you are. I'm so sorry about what happened with your uncle, and I think you are right that he's not dad material. Things happen in life, sometimes not so great things like this one. But some of these tragedies have a greater purpose in our lives; we wouldn't be the strong people we are if it weren't for experiencing and dealing appropriately with pain. You are right, we don't want to deal with life by blocking it out through alcohol.

[j-vo]

My Story

Dear Ava,
I'm so glad you're not blaming yourself anymore for the horrible things that happened in your life. So glad you're not counting on AL to drown out all of that stuff, but are feeling present, positive, and healthy. You're truly blessed to have your children and they are blessed to have you. And I agree with Spuddle, don't ever shut up, ever!

[Pavati]

My Story

Hi, Sister--

If you ever shut up, we'll come looking for you! Great post - you are such an inspiration. I love your attitude and your support. Stay one day ahead of me!

[available]

My Story

Ok i wont ever shutup, that wont be too hard really. Thanks for reading, another life event put away where it belongs, in the past.

[DipGal]

My Story

Thank you for sharing! I am a fan of typing it all out too -very healing! Great job!

[meshellrn]

My Story

Good story and i agree Linda, my childhood was with a cheating father as well. It hurt to witness my father cheating on my mother right in front of me. Not sex of coarse, but kissing her while i played at the park, while my mom was at work. Many years of a cheating dad has left me a jelous wife myself, always suspious that my husband will cheat. I have learned to let that feeling go and trust and love my husband. I do think though if i did not quit the drining drunk i have become, he might be driven to another woman by accident. so, that being said, i hope i can curb this horrible wine drinkning mess im in. day 2, so far so good. looking to do 30 straight, then try a chance at moderation if at all possible.
Michelle

[available]

My Story

Thanks Dip and Michelle. Its good to let go of our past and realise that all this crap that happened does influence us in different ways. God drinking never helps anything does it and I know my paranoia was shocking and i was so defensive. Good on you for quitting, i wont comment on the moderating lol, well not yet!

[noodle]

My Story

Loved your story Available, because it's inspired me to feel there is a real way out for us. You are doing an amazing job, and finally sound though you have claimed back some peace and happiness, that we all deserve. Thanks for sharing :l x

[available]

My Story

Wow how time flies when one is having fun and at Day 57 life is fun. I have woken every one of those 57 days sober and without a hangover although the first few weeks it did not feel that way, it felt like crap, it did not feel that it was worth giving up al when all i knew before was feeling like crap but there was a reason for it which after this time i now know.

I now know that I am likeable
I now know I am a good person
I now know that I cant please everyone and it doesnt matter
I now know that I can be in the present every single day and get through whatever is thrown at me
I now know that its okay to tell people i dont drink and why if i choose to
I now know it doesnt really matter what people think if it is negative, if they choose negativity that is their problem not mine
I now know to prioritise life with me being the first priority
I now know my children knew how much i drank and were very concerned they would lose me
I now know my children accept I am an alcoholic and support me every single step in this new life
I now know i cannot change the past and it is the past
I now know that i can shape my future sober and make informed decisions
I now know that i can always be here if someone needs me at any time
I now know it is not weak to ask for help and support, i dont need to appear strong all the time
I now know that my life is so much better sober

I now know how much alcohol took from me. It took my memories, my special times with my family, my dignity, my self worth, my soul. It took everything i ever wanted. I had everything it was just marred by alcohol.

I now know at 57 days of sobriety that if i could go back in time and never touch one single drop of alcohol then i would not be the person i am today. Alcohol has not done me any favours but i truly like me today which i could never say when i was drinking.

[NoSugar]

My Story

Now you brought tears to my eyes, Ava :l.
You are all those things and more.

You are one of the warmest, funniest, and most honest and sincere posters I've met on MWO.
You are able to express affection without needing to protect yourself from rejection.
You are able to clearly state a person's problem or mistake while somehow cushioning them from the blow at the same time.
You make many of us wish Australia were not so far away.
You remind me not to take myself and this situation so seriously all the time and show me how to do that.

You've already taken to heart life lessons I'm still working on so please keep up your marvelous posts that are helping so many of us learn to really live in this new and better way.

I'm so happy to have met you, Ava. Thank you for being here and for being my friend.

With great admiration and :h - NS

[j-vo]

My Story

Ava,
Wow, what a beautiful post! How much you've gained over the past 57 days is such a blessing. You are loved by so many here, and we will always be here for you and we know we can count on you to be here for us. I love you so much. Thank you for all your loving posts.:l:h