Skullbaby's Progress
UPDATE-
Hoooo boy, where do I begin?
It's been about 2 weeks since I last updated on my thread, which is a longer time than usual for me. I?ve just been so unbelievably busy dealing with the move.
The last few weeks have tried my patience and resolve like I couldn't have imagined. Without my antabuse, I really don't think I would have made it and would have caved in and drank, though hopefully I would have found the baclofen would make the alcohol less desirable once I started. Who knows. Thankfully, I didn't cave (because I couldn't).
So, today is Day 59 AF. One day shy of my goal of at least 60 days AF. Crazy.
Over the last two weeks, we went through a cross-country move... packing the house, selling furniture and random crap, coordinating tons of tasks errands etc. Dealing with family, with emotions, flying cross country with pets, etc. All that really challenged my patience and my resolve. There were times of uncomfortable moments with family- tension and anxiety. There was even a brief meeting over coffee with a beloved family member with whom I've been estranged for the last year and a half. Though this person and I have a long way to go before being really close again, I was able to be there for this meeting with a healthy spirit. There was some anxiety and confusion/conflicting feelings that followed, some of it pretty intense, but I lived. Throughout the weeks there were a handful of other times that I felt super overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, lost. There were definitely multiple times I wished I could drink.
But... I was able to move past those moments. Usually I would just get through the day and just go to sleep (super early, like 9 pm) in hopes that tomorrow would likely be better. And though it took two weeks worth of tomorrows, it finally is here and finally is better. I?m typing this from my cozy new home in Portland, OR, on a sunny Sunday afternoon, surrounded by boxes that need to be unpacked, with my GF, dog, and cat all occupying themselves with various pursuits. Life is actually pretty good and getting better.
As for those moments where I wished I could drink, I didn't sit and struggle with them as I would have normally, because the Antabuse took away any debate, so it became an "Oh well" and I just moved on. So, it's doing its job well.
Takeaways from the past few weeks-
First and foremost, for me- My sobriety is the well from which all good things spring. For me, drinking is poisoning that well. If I keep the well clean, I can live a really good life. It enables all possible good things.
That said, sobriety is still a lot of work, even with my medications doing a lot of heavy lifting.
I'm really recognizing the need for coping tools to manage stress and anxiety. The baclofen/sobriety helps immensely, as does my antideppressant, but managing especially stressful times takes some coping methods that I need to focus on.
To that end, I'll be renewing my focus on 1. meditation, 2. therapy, and 3. martial arts to really try to work on managing stress, emotional overwhelm, etc. I'm going to be creating a morning ritual that I'll be posting about in the Morning Rituals thread. It'll be some kind of combination of light stretching, then shower, then meditation (10 min or so), then coffee/MWO, then Lumosity games for mental stimulation, and only then will I open my email/internet to get started working for the day. Maybe the first thing I do online (aside from MWO/Lumosity) will be tasks/goals for the day. Still formulating this, but it's something I anticipate becoming quite valuable.
As for therapy, I really want to focus on a couple things, in particular anger/stress related issues. Sometimes I feel like my frustrations are bottled up inside and I can't process them and let them go. I also want to focus on my extreme anxiety over confrontations/disagreements. Confrontations are sometimes necessary in life, but I?ve always found them so uncomfortable... the anxiety is overwhelming. Sometimes I'm going to need to stand up for myself or my loved ones, and not back down. Sometimes I can work past the fear and do so, othertimes not so much. Basically, if I'm completely honest- I hate that I have cowardly tendencies and want to do something about it. Too often, I?ll defer to someone else's opinion even if I disagree with it. This makes me feel ashamed and frustrated, which I just keep bottled up inside. Anyway, stuff to work on... getting comfortable with honoring my own voice, even (and perhaps especially) when it's a contrary or controversial opinion, or may get me into a confrontation. I want to be ?right?, and I want to be ok with being ?wrong?... as long as I'm not weak, cowardly, and irresolute (or as little as possible, anyway). Nobody is strong at all times and we're all going to have times of weakness, but I want to work on maximizing strength, confidence, and having the courage of my convictions. Like most things worth doing, this is going to be a long journey.
I recently read a quote that said "Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. But they also didn't sit around on their ass, either. Get to work." I liked that.
I've been really aware lately of how attracted I am to those with strength. Just the concept of strength- strength of mind, body, confidence, and character. They're all really fucking awesome and sexy to me. It's a trait I want to develop in myself, and nurture into a way of life. This is a welcome revelation and one I'm sort of pleasantly surprised by.
In that spirit, I'm also renewing my commitment to physical health, because I'm finally experiencing firsthand how commitment to health has a direct benefit to strength of mind and soul. I was doing great on my diet and exercise for about 50 days, then fell off rather spectacularly-- eating sugar, gluten, grains, processed food, junk food, and not exercising at all. Well, I have to get back to good health SOMETIME, and that day is today. I'm counting today as DAY 1 of diet and exercise health. I'm also posting about this daily over in the Sugar-Free thread (which is a sort of all-things-nutrition-thread, or I'm using it as such).
I'll also be looking to find a good school for Krav Maga (Israeli self defence) for martial arts. My hope is that it?ll help me develop the mindset of action over inaction, confidence over complacency, and not defer automatically to the mindset of weak, ineffective, or even victim. Plus, I?m hoping that the physical intensity will help with the processing of the internal frustration and negative emotions that I know I need to process. Can?t keep negative shit bottled up? Gotta expel that shit and replace it with strength and positivity..
As for my abstinence plan going forward, I think I?ll give it some thought today and post about it tomorrow when I?m at my 60 day milestone.
Whew, this post is quite a novel. How?s that for a manifesto? Lol
Best to all!
UPDATE-
Hoooo boy, where do I begin?
It's been about 2 weeks since I last updated on my thread, which is a longer time than usual for me. I?ve just been so unbelievably busy dealing with the move.
The last few weeks have tried my patience and resolve like I couldn't have imagined. Without my antabuse, I really don't think I would have made it and would have caved in and drank, though hopefully I would have found the baclofen would make the alcohol less desirable once I started. Who knows. Thankfully, I didn't cave (because I couldn't).
So, today is Day 59 AF. One day shy of my goal of at least 60 days AF. Crazy.
Over the last two weeks, we went through a cross-country move... packing the house, selling furniture and random crap, coordinating tons of tasks errands etc. Dealing with family, with emotions, flying cross country with pets, etc. All that really challenged my patience and my resolve. There were times of uncomfortable moments with family- tension and anxiety. There was even a brief meeting over coffee with a beloved family member with whom I've been estranged for the last year and a half. Though this person and I have a long way to go before being really close again, I was able to be there for this meeting with a healthy spirit. There was some anxiety and confusion/conflicting feelings that followed, some of it pretty intense, but I lived. Throughout the weeks there were a handful of other times that I felt super overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, lost. There were definitely multiple times I wished I could drink.
But... I was able to move past those moments. Usually I would just get through the day and just go to sleep (super early, like 9 pm) in hopes that tomorrow would likely be better. And though it took two weeks worth of tomorrows, it finally is here and finally is better. I?m typing this from my cozy new home in Portland, OR, on a sunny Sunday afternoon, surrounded by boxes that need to be unpacked, with my GF, dog, and cat all occupying themselves with various pursuits. Life is actually pretty good and getting better.
As for those moments where I wished I could drink, I didn't sit and struggle with them as I would have normally, because the Antabuse took away any debate, so it became an "Oh well" and I just moved on. So, it's doing its job well.
Takeaways from the past few weeks-
First and foremost, for me- My sobriety is the well from which all good things spring. For me, drinking is poisoning that well. If I keep the well clean, I can live a really good life. It enables all possible good things.
That said, sobriety is still a lot of work, even with my medications doing a lot of heavy lifting.
I'm really recognizing the need for coping tools to manage stress and anxiety. The baclofen/sobriety helps immensely, as does my antideppressant, but managing especially stressful times takes some coping methods that I need to focus on.
To that end, I'll be renewing my focus on 1. meditation, 2. therapy, and 3. martial arts to really try to work on managing stress, emotional overwhelm, etc. I'm going to be creating a morning ritual that I'll be posting about in the Morning Rituals thread. It'll be some kind of combination of light stretching, then shower, then meditation (10 min or so), then coffee/MWO, then Lumosity games for mental stimulation, and only then will I open my email/internet to get started working for the day. Maybe the first thing I do online (aside from MWO/Lumosity) will be tasks/goals for the day. Still formulating this, but it's something I anticipate becoming quite valuable.
As for therapy, I really want to focus on a couple things, in particular anger/stress related issues. Sometimes I feel like my frustrations are bottled up inside and I can't process them and let them go. I also want to focus on my extreme anxiety over confrontations/disagreements. Confrontations are sometimes necessary in life, but I?ve always found them so uncomfortable... the anxiety is overwhelming. Sometimes I'm going to need to stand up for myself or my loved ones, and not back down. Sometimes I can work past the fear and do so, othertimes not so much. Basically, if I'm completely honest- I hate that I have cowardly tendencies and want to do something about it. Too often, I?ll defer to someone else's opinion even if I disagree with it. This makes me feel ashamed and frustrated, which I just keep bottled up inside. Anyway, stuff to work on... getting comfortable with honoring my own voice, even (and perhaps especially) when it's a contrary or controversial opinion, or may get me into a confrontation. I want to be ?right?, and I want to be ok with being ?wrong?... as long as I'm not weak, cowardly, and irresolute (or as little as possible, anyway). Nobody is strong at all times and we're all going to have times of weakness, but I want to work on maximizing strength, confidence, and having the courage of my convictions. Like most things worth doing, this is going to be a long journey.
I recently read a quote that said "Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. But they also didn't sit around on their ass, either. Get to work." I liked that.
I've been really aware lately of how attracted I am to those with strength. Just the concept of strength- strength of mind, body, confidence, and character. They're all really fucking awesome and sexy to me. It's a trait I want to develop in myself, and nurture into a way of life. This is a welcome revelation and one I'm sort of pleasantly surprised by.
In that spirit, I'm also renewing my commitment to physical health, because I'm finally experiencing firsthand how commitment to health has a direct benefit to strength of mind and soul. I was doing great on my diet and exercise for about 50 days, then fell off rather spectacularly-- eating sugar, gluten, grains, processed food, junk food, and not exercising at all. Well, I have to get back to good health SOMETIME, and that day is today. I'm counting today as DAY 1 of diet and exercise health. I'm also posting about this daily over in the Sugar-Free thread (which is a sort of all-things-nutrition-thread, or I'm using it as such).
I'll also be looking to find a good school for Krav Maga (Israeli self defence) for martial arts. My hope is that it?ll help me develop the mindset of action over inaction, confidence over complacency, and not defer automatically to the mindset of weak, ineffective, or even victim. Plus, I?m hoping that the physical intensity will help with the processing of the internal frustration and negative emotions that I know I need to process. Can?t keep negative shit bottled up? Gotta expel that shit and replace it with strength and positivity..
As for my abstinence plan going forward, I think I?ll give it some thought today and post about it tomorrow when I?m at my 60 day milestone.
Whew, this post is quite a novel. How?s that for a manifesto? Lol
Best to all!
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