Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hehe, I thought I might get a GRRRRRR or two from you regarding my TSM fail... and I deserve it

I appreciate and agree with your thoughts regarding celebration... such a seductive/dangerous concept for drunks. As is equating feeling good/partytime with alcohol... when it's really the total opposite.

As for solutions, I think I'm well on my way to finding them... though it's a journey for sure. Thanks Blonde.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 5 AF. Day 166 on bac, at 80mg/day.

Still feeling some residual feelings of disappointment/dissatisfaction, probably mostly from my relapse on Monday. I'm also grouchy about a fitness plateau that I wrote more about on my Fitness Progress thread.

But, I do have reason to be happy- after more talks with my GF about Halloween parties this weekend... we've decided that it's better I go completely AF, as opposed to trying to go TSM/drinking style (which I obviously have trouble complying with at times). Even drinking TSM style, I will still mostly likely want to smoke, almost certainly overindulge in beers, and be hungover for the next day, well actually more like 3-5 days if you count the inevitable anxiety/depression. My GF says that seeing me in that state is heartbreaking, her exact word. She also said she's much more attracted to me when sober than when I'm drinking. Drinking is just not worth all the negative shit that comes with it... Before my relapse I was getting to the point where I could have genuine fun when being social, without alcohol, and seeing as I cannot yet moderate my drinking, AF is a life that's far more preferable.

We've decided we do want to dress up and attend a party, but I'll be bringing AF wine or beer. I may be somewhat tense/introverted, but that's OK. Still better than a 5 day recovery.

As such, I'm going back on Antabuse today. I'll be taking 1 pill once or twice a week, so as to get the effects in my system and therefore be safely sober, but not tax the liver with an everyday dose.

Best to all.

[Colin]

Skullbaby's Progress

Pity you can't just slowly increase the baclofen dose until a few drinks doesn't mean you have to get shit-faced.

Taking Antabuse once or twice a week will work for a while but how long before you calculatingly miss a couple of pills and ....? That's what happened to me.

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1571368 wrote: Update- Day 5 AF. Day 166 on bac, at 80mg/day.

Still feeling some residual feelings of disappointment/dissatisfaction, probably mostly from my relapse on Monday. I'm also grouchy about a fitness plateau that I wrote more about on my Fitness Progress thread.

But, I do have reason to be happy- after more talks with my GF about Halloween parties this weekend... we've decided that it's better I go completely AF, as opposed to trying to go TSM/drinking style (which I obviously have trouble complying with at times). Even drinking TSM style, I will still mostly likely want to smoke, almost certainly overindulge in beers, and be hungover for the next day, well actually more like 3-5 days if you count the inevitable anxiety/depression. My GF says that seeing me in that state is heartbreaking, her exact word. She also said she's much more attracted to me when sober than when I'm drinking. Drinking is just not worth all the negative shit that comes with it... Before my relapse I was getting to the point where I could have genuine fun when being social, without alcohol, and seeing as I cannot yet moderate my drinking, AF is a life that's far more preferable.

We've decided we do want to dress up and attend a party, but I'll be bringing AF wine or beer. I may be somewhat tense/introverted, but that's OK. Still better than a 5 day recovery.

As such, I'm going back on Antabuse today. I'll be taking 1 pill once or twice a week, so as to get the effects in my system and therefore be safely sober, but not tax the liver with an everyday dose.

Best to all.

You have a lot of support here from the sounds of it (ie your GF), take it before she gets fed up. Whichever method you follow my tip is to always remember why you are doing it, remember the really bad, shitty feeling. Not in a beating yourself up way, but in a "I'm DO NOT want to go back to that" way.

Taking one pill a day is not hard, drinking is hard.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Colin;1571375 wrote: Pity you can't just slowly increase the baclofen dose until a few drinks doesn't mean you have to get shit-faced.

Taking Antabuse once or twice a week will work for a while but how long before you calculatingly miss a couple of pills and ....? That's what happened to me.

It's not out of the question, but for now I've decided to stay at 80mg for a couple reasons-

1. difficult to get a script for over 80mg
2. SE's are difficult for me over 80mg. Insomnia, shocks in hands, forgetfulness, lethargy.
3. I've read some naysayers saying that over 100+ can be toxic... I know there've been many people here who've found otherwise but I have to admit the naysayers have given me reservations.
4. For the most part I really enjoy life AF. I'm on a health kick and the AF life really helps that. When it comes to drinking, moderation isn't terribly enjoyable for me- a few drinks isn't very fun- but getting drunk is, and that's the problem.

That being said, this is all a very fluid and ever-changing process. I certainly know the pitfalls of compliance with AB... one reason I try very hard to focus on my health kick and check in here a ton to keep focused on sobriety etc... that stuff helps keep me on track and helps keep me taking AB etc.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Day 7 AF. Happy to be up early, sober, with coffee and ready to get a bunch of stuff done.

Found a cool quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that resonates with me-

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Ukblonde;1571562 wrote: You have a lot of support here from the sounds of it (ie your GF), take it before she gets fed up. Whichever method you follow my tip is to always remember why you are doing it, remember the really bad, shitty feeling. Not in a beating yourself up way, but in a "I'm DO NOT want to go back to that" way.

Taking one pill a day is not hard, drinking is hard.

True enough- I had an 8 year-relationship implode due to a GF fed up with my drinking. Partners of alcoholics certainly don't always wish to stay that way... It's a good thing to appreciate that supportive person in your life if you're lucky enough to have one.

I'm trying to keep the bad, shitty feelings from fading from memory for the very reasons you describe... it's hard, because when I start craving, that's the first thing that my mind makes me "conveniently forget"... It's like the consequences are suddenly erased from my memory until the next day. Ah, the life of an addict...

I appreciate your reminders and sayings, UKB, they often really resonate with me and are often just the thing I need to hear!

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Rock On Skull

Skull -What a great -honest- write up post. With my few experiments -post af- days, I found the depression intolerable. This was only after drinking one-tenth of what I use to drink. Furthermore, I found that the drinking side effects seemed to last 3 to 4 days longer than previous. Drinking for survival is hell. Not drinking for survival is hell. Baclofen eliminated both of these scenarios for me.

Skull, I don't know about you, but for me, (when being honest with myself), I knew there would be a day (post alcohol free days) that I would decide to drink or test the waters. To ease the ego pain, I decided to call them experiments and I did so even when I made the decision I was going to live free of firewater for the rest of my life. Baclofen gave me this choice. Most all of my binge drunks came in celebration of something. In my final days of drinking, I celebrated the fact that I was awake and could open a beer (at about 7am).
With this said, I think it only fair to assume that steadfast recovering alcoholics are going to test the waters.

As I have discovered, I KNOW THAT I HAVE ONE MORE DRUNK LEFT IN ME, I JUST DONT KNOW IF I WILL HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY LEFT IN ME.

Thanks for your report.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the post, Spirit- I've been away for about 10 days, unfortunately on a relapse. I'll write more in detail soon about how/why/learning lessons etc.

But for now, I've re-committed to AF, 30 days at least- all of November, though my bigger goal is to do 90. But, committing to 30 days as of today... today being Day 1.

[NoSugar]

Skullbaby's Progress

I'm glad to see you back, SBL, and on the sugar thing, too. For me, they go hand-in-hand. It is interesting that for some people sugar is an effective substitute and for others, a trigger.

I hope you check in every day in Novemeber - it seems to me it keeps you on track. Do you think so?

All the best, NS

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the supportive comments last week, Spirit and NS. I appreciate all the input and support I can get!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 195 on baclofen. Currently at 85 mg/day. Day 8 AF (also Dau 8 sugar/gluten free). Also Day 8 of taking 125mg Antabuse per day.

Well, I'm back after my week of getting tripped up and falling down for a while last week. The lame thing is that I decided to go off my sobriety protocol last week in anticipation of the Halloween weekend parties that Saturday night. What'd I do instead? Yep I'm sure many of you guessed it, I got too drunk before Saturday to be in any shape to bother going out. I got hammered Friday night and was too hungover to go out to the party that I was looking forward to. I even had tickets all lined up that I had to eat the cost. So, partying on Halloween weekend was a total fail.

That week (which consisted of binges Monday, Friday, Sunday nights) showed me a lot, though. It seems that for now at least my sobriety is very "all or nothing". Basically I seem to either do well wtih 100% strict and Spartan-like will, discipline, and adherance (all made possible by Bac for cravings and Antabuse to take the option away), or I just completely go off the rails and drink 10 beers and feel like shit for 3 or 4 days after. I notice too that I'll buy these craft, microbrew beers, and then just barely taste them as I guzzle them down. They could be any beer at all as far as I'd know. Being an addict to a substance is a very different experience than the way people who can moderate with that substance can truly enjoy that substance. I don't enjoy beer, exactly, at least not like other people do... when I think back on what a beer tasted like, or how I enjoyed it, it's more like the fuzzy, dreamlike memory of someone else enjoying it-- like Dr. Jekyll trying to recall Mr. Hyde's joy at some terrible thing that he delighted in. Or like Bruce Banner remembering only fractured images of the destruction in the wake of the Hulk. Anyway, I digress...

I've thought about Colin's comment about just increasing my bac dose to the point that I'm indifferent, as so many others have, and stop dealing with all this rigid protocols. I've been hesitant to go up in dose but Neo's posts about finding the switch have convinced me to try to go slowly back up in my snail-like way. So, 5mg increase every 10 days for the next 90 days at least, hopefully more like 120. Going so slow is the only way I seem to be able to deal with the SE's like the insomnia.

Emotionally speaking, lately I've been more and more aware of my tendency, when sober, to fixate on past drunken embarassments and mistakes, torturing myself by replaying them on a loop in my head. It seems like a form of self-flagellation to fixate on all my past mistakes. I'm trying to just let it all go as best I can, and be good to myself. I keep reminding myself of the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, re-reading this quote that comforts me.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

As for how I'm feeling today, well... those few people who follow my fitness thread know how good I'm feeling as I chase sobriety and health. Today I felt sharp, strong, capable. Confident, and happy. I feel like I'm becoming the adult I'd always hoped I'd be... I feel like I finally know a thing or two about what it takes to be effective and happy in this world, and I'm on my way to getting there. It feels good.

Best to all.

[neophyte]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull, i think its worth going up in bac like others have suggested, for me 85mg a day didnt do squat except reduce cravings a tiny bit. I guess i probably shoudlnt have called my switch so early. i definitely do feel pretty damn indifferent, but its probably better i give it a few weeks especially after last weeks blunder of passing out on the floor after only drinking just over a bottle of wine. something just kind of clicked with the last dosage increase. its interesting how baclofen floors you when you drink, it makes the whole drinking thing pretty unplesant.

when you drink on antabuse, do you stop taking it before you plan on drinking?

I can understand why you wnated to drink for the party though, i dont think i would be at the stage where i would want to be at a party if i couldnt drink, those situations above all others are when i NEED my alcohol to enjoy being stuck in a situation where my anxiety goes through the roof. The thing is with a plan to drink on day x, you rationalise to yourself, well im drinking tomorrow so why not today? i guess thats what happeend to you and i would have done the exact same thing, so i wouldnt beat yourself up over it.

you've been on bac along time, are the SE too much you find it hard to go over 85mg?

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1582626 wrote: Update- Day 195 on baclofen. Currently at 85 mg/day. Day 8 AF (also Dau 8 sugar/gluten free). Also Day 8 of taking 125mg Antabuse per day.

Well, I'm back after my week of getting tripped up and falling down for a while last week. The lame thing is that I decided to go off my sobriety protocol last week in anticipation of the Halloween weekend parties that Saturday night. What'd I do instead? Yep I'm sure many of you guessed it, I got too drunk before Saturday to be in any shape to bother going out. I got hammered Friday night and was too hungover to go out to the party that I was looking forward to. I even had tickets all lined up that I had to eat the cost. So, partying on Halloween weekend was a total fail.

That week (which consisted of binges Monday, Friday, Sunday nights) showed me a lot, though. It seems that for now at least my sobriety is very "all or nothing". Basically I seem to either do well wtih 100% strict and Spartan-like will, discipline, and adherance (all made possible by Bac for cravings and Antabuse to take the option away), or I just completely go off the rails and drink 10 beers and feel like shit for 3 or 4 days after. I notice too that I'll buy these craft, microbrew beers, and then just barely taste them as I guzzle them down. They could be any beer at all as far as I'd know. Being an addict to a substance is a very different experience than the way people who can moderate with that substance can truly enjoy that substance. I don't enjoy beer, exactly, at least not like other people do... when I think back on what a beer tasted like, or how I enjoyed it, it's more like the fuzzy, dreamlike memory of someone else enjoying it-- like Dr. Jekyll trying to recall Mr. Hyde's joy at some terrible thing that he delighted in. Or like Bruce Banner remembering only fractured images of the destruction in the wake of the Hulk. Anyway, I digress...

I've thought about Colin's comment about just increasing my bac dose to the point that I'm indifferent, as so many others have, and stop dealing with all this rigid protocols. I've been hesitant to go up in dose but Neo's posts about finding the switch have convinced me to try to go slowly back up in my snail-like way. So, 5mg increase every 10 days for the next 90 days at least, hopefully more like 120. Going so slow is the only way I seem to be able to deal with the SE's like the insomnia.

Emotionally speaking, lately I've been more and more aware of my tendency, when sober, to fixate on past drunken embarassments and mistakes, torturing myself by replaying them on a loop in my head. It seems like a form of self-flagellation to fixate on all my past mistakes. I'm trying to just let it all go as best I can, and be good to myself. I keep reminding myself of the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, re-reading this quote that comforts me.

?Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.?

As for how I'm feeling today, well... those few people who follow my fitness thread know how good I'm feeling as I chase sobriety and health. Today I felt sharp, strong, capable. Confident, and happy. I feel like I'm becoming the adult I'd always hoped I'd be... I feel like I finally know a thing or two about what it takes to be effective and happy in this world, and I'm on my way to getting there. It feels good.

Best to all.

Lovin' all of this. I remember buying specialist ciders but towards the end I didn't soil such things with my mouth. I kept a really nice, expensive bottle of wine for my brother's Christmas present whilst I drank cheaper stuffs. Dwelling I found was no good in the early days, only made me worse. Starting with a clean slate, then only looking back when you are strong enough might be a good idea. I can look back now and think, jees what that me, thank goodness I'm fixed I'm never going back there.

Perhaps you need to push on high with the baclofen and just get on with it.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

NoSugar;1578210 wrote: I'm glad to see you back, SBL, and on the sugar thing, too. For me, they go hand-in-hand. It is interesting that for some people sugar is an effective substitute and for others, a trigger.

I hope you check in every day in Novemeber - it seems to me it keeps you on track. Do you think so?

All the best, NS

Just saw that I missed your question, NS- Yes I do think without a doubt that reading/posting here every day is very helpful in keeping me on track. It's probably one of my top 3 tools. My GF says that it's basically my version of a support system, ie AA. It's the first thing I do every morning.