Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I’m glad things are working out for you with school so far, despite the procrastination. It’s pretty normal at the stage you’re at. I really can't think of a single person who didn’t fall prey to “senioritis.” It seems that the closer you get to the finish line, the harder it is to keep your focus, even though it seems it should be the opposite since you have so little time left. But as I told you a while back, it almost doesn’t matter because you’ve already put in all the hardest part of the work, which is to wrap your head around all the basics of your soon to be new profession. At this point, it’s mostly a matter of expanding on that solid foundation and refining your skills. I found that I really didn’t need to study as hard, or put in as much time into assignments, as I did in the beginning. So long as you DO get around to doing the work, you’ll be just fine.

And you’re right - patience is the key in this whole job search process. I also need to stop being so damn obsessive. We’re into our slow season at work and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I get onto my phone every damn hour to check for new job postings. I also check my e-mail, hoping for an invitation for an interview from that job I just applied to, about 20 times a day. Nothing is gonna turn up that quickly, and at this point, I’m just driving myself absolutely batty.

Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend, Ne! It sounds like it’ll be a good one

So I did drink tonight, as I have every other night since Monday. However, I’m shooting for another AF weekend. I did it last weekend, so I know I can do it again. I’m also gonna shoot for an AF Wednesday next week. The idea of going for an extended AF streak, where I cut myself off day after day after day, is just too damn intimidating for me at this point. So my new strategy is to shoot for one more AF day a week, until eventually, my non-drinking days crowd out the drinking ones. And no more of those vague goals of saying I’m gonna try for an AF day some time during the week. Instead, I’m picking exactly which day it will be ahead of time. I’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, Happy Friday everyone! I hope you’re all having a great night out there.

[Stevo]

Hi guys,
I thought it would be a good time to jump in and share a post,so here I am.
Firstly Dundrinkin,I find it very interesting that you say that you think you have hit a switch after some time AF.I have been toying with the idea that the reason I was able to switch at a relatively low dose was that I have been essentially AF for 2 years.I was about 14 months AF(white knuckling)when I finally got on Baclofen,bar 2 beers I drank with a friend on his birthday on the 29 of January 2014.This is why I say my sober date is January 30.I find this a little ridiculous but I have been heavily influenced by AA.I wonder if the AF time is a contributing factor in allowing the switch to happen successfully?
What is going on for me?
I had the strangest 2 nights sleep the last couple of nights,well the night before last wasn't really the sleep but it was what was going through my head when I woke up.I woke up yesterday morning with a sequence of numbers on loop in my head,it wouldn't stop until I wrote them down.I have some severe financial issues going on here and although I don't know or believe much about dreams being signs I was left wondering whether by some strange spiritual phenomena I was given winning numbers for the lottery or the like.I do believe in spiritual things but I have never been a gambling man and find it hard to believe that I would spiritually be given winning numbers for anything haha.I would like to add that my understanding of spiritual things is that I don't understand any of it,so anything is possible.
Last night I had the strangest drinking dream ever,as most of you would know drinking dreams are commonplace for the alcoholic and whilst in recovery they usually leave you waking up to thinking "what have I done?"Followed by a sense of relief that it was only a dream.Last night I had a Baclofen test drinking dream where I was doing my drinking experiment.I had a few drinks with friends and somehow wound up in a pub having a few more,everything was quite normal and it felt like I was back in the drinking days with easy socialising and jovial times.Then my partner appeared at the pub full of disappointment that she had found me there.I assured her that it was alright and finished my drink and went home with her.I recall that I walked out of the pub with no compulsion and/or craving for more alcohol.I would like to say again here that I don't know anything about dream interpretation or even put much stock into them being relevant to the conscious world but once again what would I know.I then had a dream where I was being attacked and was on the ground,helpless and facing death.I actually woke up gasping and in fear,this in turn woke my partner up.
Anywho the main point of all this really is to relay to you guys that even in my dreams now with Baclofen it seems that I am indifferent to alcohol which was an amazing thing to experience.It leaves me even more confident that I have been given a freedom from alcohol that I would have never expected in this lifetime whilst living the normal AA life.
This probably all seems a bit weird but I thought that maybe some of you guys have had similar experiences and I can't really go telling anyone else about this stuff as other than on here I don't know anyone who is also taking Baclofen.
Apologies for the crazy long post and thanks for the warm welcome to the thread guys.
Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Hey Stevo. I’m glad you decided to post here. You may very well be right about your sobriety leading to a lower dose of bac needed to reach your switch. I’ll never know because I took a different path, but I’m planning on adding as many AF days now as I can, hoping that it’ll help me turn a corner with bac, since my cravings are way down compared to what they used to be.

And yeah, changing your sobriety date because of two beers after 14 months with no drinking at all is really a little silly. That’s one of the many things I don’t like about AA - their insistence on absolute perfection and their heavy focus on sobriety dates. As far as I’m concerned, even if you had 20 beers on your friend’s birthday, it certainly doesn’t negate the 14 months you went without. That’s a MAJOR accomplishment when you’re white knuckling it, and it shouldn’t be forgotten.

That’s really interesting that even your drinking dreams involve being indifferent to alcohol. I don’t know much about dream interpretation either, but I do think that our dreams are a reflection of our conscious mental state at the time we have them. So I believe that your dream is a definite reflection of how much you’ve changed. Also, how are your dreams in general? Your post really reminded me because, at this point, I had completely forgotten that vivid dreams are a common side effect of bac. I’ve gotten so used to it myself, that I forgot that most people don’t experience that.

Personally, I enjoy that side effect, because most of my dreams are weird as hell and highly entertaining. I wake up remembering them in every little detail. I once described it to someone on this forum that it’s as if I get to go to the movies every night, only I’m the lead actress I’ve even grown to enjoy the vivid dreams when they’re disturbing or downright terrifying. I didn’t like those ones at first, but it now often gives me a snapshot of what’s going on in my mind, what real life problems they may be arising from, and what I need to focus on when I’m awake to gain a greater sense of peace. Most people barely even remember dreaming at all, let alone what they dreamed about. With bac, many of us now have the opportunity to tap into our unconscious minds in all of their weird, fantastic glory. It’s kinda cool.

Anyway, my resolve to stay AF this weekend has grown, even since yesterday. Even though the level that I’ve been drinking has remained steady, it seems that some days it affects me more than others. Last night I had a total klutz moment and dropped a full pot of vegetables on the floor, making a total mess. My husband was pissed. He didn’t suspect me of drinking - he actually blamed it on the drugs that I’m taking (like baclofen). I couldn’t tell him the truth, but I definitely need to make it clear in the future that bac has no such bad side effects on me. So no drinking this weekend for sure!

And Stevo - don’t ever apologize about writing really long posts. As you can see, I tend to be long-winded, and write a mini-novel of a post more often than not! I’ll be checking in here and there, and will be back at some point this weekend to report on my non-drinking progress. Anyway, I hope you guys are having a nice weekend

[kronkcarr]

There have been some interesting posts the last week or so. dun, I'm interested in what's going on with you. Awhile back you posted about your partner welcoming you back when you started drinking again. Can you say more about your personality at this time? I ask because I've become a loner since I started baclofen and I can't seem to motivate to do stuff with people. It's bothering me but not enough for me to motivate.

Lis, one thing that you wrote stayed with me. You said you drank because of the stress from the interview. I identified with that. I used to drink because people pissed me off or because I needed courage or strength to do whatever it was. I'm glad that's done for me.

Steveo, your posts are good for me to read. The one dream you had about not being able to breathe--or something like that--reminded me of how I couldn't sleep on my back when I started baclofen. It's about the muscles in the throat relaxing. I had nightmares when this happened to me.

I had more injections a few days ago and hopefully that'll be the last time. I was running 2 miles or so prior. So I'll be patient and start back when I can.

Happy rest of the weekend all.

[Lostinspace]

kronk - I hope the injections are helping. Did you ever start up with the elliptical to get you back on the road to running? And yeah, drinking to get through uncomfortable situations is unfortunately not something of the past for me yet. I wish I could figure out a way to just deal with all the gut-wrenching anxiety, but I haven’t yet.

I’d love to say that I stuck to my AF weekend goal, but really, it was more of an AF Saturday, with a return to drinking today. I’m sick today. I took some medication for it and tried to go to the gym anyway (because I was starting to get really lazy about it until an awesome hour and a half workout yesterday that reignited my passion for exercise), but I couldn’t get through my free weights exercises. I started having those moments where your vision blacks out and you see nothing but stars. I also felt altogether very weak. For whatever reason, being sick and feeling like crap has always been a major trigger to drink even more than usual - or in my case now, to break my AF promise and drink the same amount I’ve been drinking recently. I know, I suck. I’m still planning on an AF Wednesday, though. I WILL do at least that.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night.

[dundrinkn]

Feeling/being sick is a trigger for me too. It is so counter productive, but I always want to drink when I'm not feeling well. I drank a few nights ago. Wasn't craving, but wanted to drink. I did get that that great feeling. And Kronk, I am more myself when I drink. But only if I don't get into a rut. If I fall into the drinking rut, then I get sullen. And if I stay sober too long, I get sullen. Obviously my problem is a brain chemistry problem. Or a personality problem -- perhaps caused by bad brain chemistry. If is all a little discouraging. But I drank one night, and not too much. It didn't kick up cravings. It's been 3 nights now without drinking. Won't drink for the next 3 nights or so because of driving commitments with the kids. But I won't stay AF going forward. Hopefully I can walk the line. But for now the feeling I get from drinking is good. And it helps me get out of myself enough to "connect". We'll see.

[Stevo]

Just dropping in to say a quick g'day,
Life is pretty normal around here at the moment,my kids are being kids and my teenage step daughter is pretending to hate me haha.You have to love that stuff.
Still no word from the insurance company about my claim,if you don't know what I mean I have an income protection claim happening and they rang me about a week and a half ago to tell me I was getting the money(this would obviously reduce the stress in my life).Then I spoke to them about 4 days later and they said "sorry but we jumped the gun."
I haven't had any more vivid dreams of any significance or atleast worth posting about and I am feeling pretty good.In 2 days it will be 2 years since I was last drunk,well actually it will be 2 years tomorrow since I was drunk but I started my first sober date on this round of recovery on the 25th as it was the first day of no alcohol.
I have not been thinking too much about doing the drinking experiment but I have to say that for some reason today it has crossed my mind a few times.It may have something to do with the 2 year mark coming up.I so want to break free of the shackles that is having a sobriety date and living up to the standards of an organisation that I don't even really have anything to do with anymore.Alas the hooks are in deep.Now that I have written that I am thinking that unless I do the drinking experiment I will remain bound by AA culture and teachings.That could also just be me looking for an excuse to give it a try ha.
Anywho enough of my babbling,most of the end of this post is me just thinking aloud.
Hope everyone in here is doing well and take care until next time.
Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

dun - I understand all too well what you're saying. Back when I was drinking all day, every day, I would eventually reach a point of deep depression and total despair, usually made greatly worse by the fact that I barely sleep at all when I drink like that - and also by the fact that I was usually starting to face some pretty severe consequences from drinking way too much. Conversely, each of the many times that I've detoxed and been sober for a month or two (sadly, I've never made it much longer than that), I would become increasingly anxious, really depressed and would completely withdraw from any social contact.

It IS very discouraging, and I wonder if that's at least part of the reason why I'm having such a hard time maintaining any real AF time these days. Thanks to bac, my drinking levels are low enough that it doesn't seem to adversely affect my mental state all too much, at least when compared to the alternatives - either 24/7 drinking or complete abstinence. My life is also almost free of any drinking related consequences, and it is completely free of any of the really serious consequences, like getting in trouble at/getting fired from my job, making my husband threaten divorce, etc. I have many reasons why I do still want to continue improving from the point I'm at, and even pursue abstinence, at least for a good, long while. But it's difficult to sustain the motivation because I do feel like I'm at my best emotionally when I drink at this level. Sigh.

I hope that we can both eventually find the answers that we need. Was that a psychiatrist that you saw to get the prescription for gabapentin? If so, did you talk to him/her about the mood instability and what can be done about it? It might be worth a shot. Also, therapy might be useful to help you get to the bottom of things. I've recently been thinking of pursuing finding a therapist myself, but I don't even know where to begin, especially because my insurance only covers a very limited number of sessions, and I'm not sure it would be enough to make a difference.

In any case, I wish you the best with your plan of very limited drinking. For the moment, it seems to be the best option until you can find some better answers.

Stevo - I really hope you get some concrete answers from the insurance company soon. Financial stress is the WORST! And yeah, you gotta love teenagers. I think it's pretty much a requirement that they all go through a period of hating/fighting with their parents. It's almost a rite of passage on the road to independence.

I also hope that you're able to break free from the mental shackles of 12-step thinking. It's taken me a very long time to get to the point that I am with it, and I still find that some of the messages are influencing me negatively, even though I've already discarded those ideas. It takes time.

As for the drinking experiment, it sounds like you're in a really good place as far as not craving, and not being able to be bothered by going through with it. I would recommend not rushing it just for the hell of it. Wait for an opportunity when it just comes up, like another friend's birthday, where they've invited you out for a few beers. Bac most certainly does erase cravings for many people, and it sounds like it has for you, too. But I've also seen many people here start to fall back into daily drinking anyway, just because the habit component of drinking had been revived. They don't seem to drink anywhere near the amount they used to, but have resumed a daily habit nonetheless. Just my two cents.

Anyway, I'll be back later. I'm at work right now and probably shouldn't have spent as much time as I already have posting here - ha! I hope you're all having a great day out there!

[dundrinkn]

Stevo -- I also mind F myself about the AA culture and the sobriety date and all of it. It is a flippin' cult and it is really hard to rip out the roots. Even this morning I was thinking that in AA if I were to talk about how I am feeling now, the feedback I'd get is "pity pot", "terminally unique", "do some service and help someone with some real problems". {{{{ARGH}}}}} And not that there isn't some value in all those things/slogans. But give me a fuckin' break already. I haven't stepped into a 12 step meeting in over 17 years. Whenever I get onto a roll of counting days/months/years, there is always a tension. I dunno. I'm not being helpful. I am in a very hostile frame of mind in general these days.

Lis -- I have tried so many drugs for mood/depression. Some work, some don't. Even those that work, only do for a short time. Seriously, have been on probably 7 to 10 different drugs/combos over the years. And have had so much therapy. I know myself and my shit really really well. Have done all flavors of it -- emdr, hypno, brain-spotting, regular talk therapy, gestalt therapy, blah blah blah. I now live with a therapist! I have come to the conclusion that we all have certain defense mechanisms based on how our personalities are formed/organized. These mechanisms are formed as a way to keep us safe and functional, but ultimately they keep us trapped. I know what my stuff is, I just don't seem to always have the ability to break out of it. Mostly I don't. Mostly I just run on automatic.

And here's the rub. Alcohol is a drug with fewer side effects than most (if I didn't go into overdrive and wanting more and more of it). It has the best and most reliable outcome. I am able to step outside of the personality trap/defenses, and share more readily. Other drugs are all a distant second... But eventually alcohol quits working in that way. And it becomes the problem.

I'm on a hamster wheel and I can't get off.

[Stevo]

Thanks for the support guys and I wish you all the best in your endevours.
Well what a crazy 24 hours I have had,isn't it funny how life can be life and whatever happens all will be good and then BAM life happens and nothing seems good.
My sister called my partner last night we haven't spoken in coming on 3 years and she says to my partner "my father has sold his house and he would like to give our family $10000 to do with as we please.This makes us very uncomfortable as I have not seen or heard from my father in over 5 years and we have had very little contact throughout my life.I don't really know the man.My PTSD is linked to violent and traumatic events perpetrated by him when I was a child.
Immediately I become suspicious as to the motive and my partner feels like she is in the middle of something that she doesn't want to be in(understandably).If anything can cause extreme cases of anxiety for me these days it is my family(not my partner and children but my sister,mother and father).I consider the offer and decide that whatever the motives we need the money and it would be put to good use.I tell my partner to contact my sister with my bank details which she does.Next thing you know she receives a message saying that the money will not be paid into a bank account with my name attached.You see I am such a disappointment to my family that I could not possibly be the recipient.I was an extremely traumatised and troubled child,but when I was in my mid 20's I decided that I needed to get away and start a new life,which I did.I have had very little contact with anyone in my family ever since,my children don't know their grandparents and only have vague recollections of their auntie.I have become a completely different person to what they knew all those years ago.I am 40 this year.Since leaving my home town and my family I had gotten an education and been able to be a productive member of society who has raised a family with no help or support from anyone in my family.It is true that I drank a lot to deal with the pressure but this only affected my abilities minimally.
Now most people would see $10000 for nothing as a windfall and could not be happier but all it has done is make me sick(I would like to say here that my partner sent her bank details this morning and it will be paid into her bank account).I am so not comfortable with this whole situation that I am shaking and physically ill.It would have been better for the money not to be offered at all,and then to be subjected to having the offer removed if it was to go into my bank account is stress that I just don't need.
This morning I rang the guy who put my insurance applications together to let him know that I haven't been paid yet and we talk about the further investigation needed.We talk about my drug history as the insurance company knows that I was in rehab a year ago and he says"lets see what your application says about prior drug use,"as this may be an issue.I remember the day that we sat down to do the application and when it came to the question about prior drug use I told him that I have used drugs and that it had been a long time since I had had any problems with them.He pulls up the application and says to me"we might have a problem here,I have written on your application that you had never used drugs prior to this application."They are now going through medical records which will indicate that I have used drugs prior to taking out the policy and as a result will have grounds to not pay my claim.
So right about now I am feeling even sicker,I would almost kill for a valium ha.I am trying to just sit with it and not let my partner know that everything that we have been counting on is about to fall into a great heap.I am actually in a place of feeling suicidal(not that I would ever act on it,I love my family too much to do that to them)and I know that I must just endure the pain of it all.
I just needed to get this stuff out of me and do apologise for the completely depressing post especially as I know that most would be going"chill out dude you are getting money for nothing."I am only new to these pages and it is probably the type of post that a newbie shouldn't write but I have no one to talk to about anything really.All my friends disappeared in droves when I stopped drinking and my sponsor in AA still hasn't called me to say happy birthday on my first year clean and sober so I figure that he is not too interested.
Anywho I have probably said enough the gist is I have no support and I had to say these things to someone.
Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

dun - I feel you so hard with the medication issue. I, too, have tried many - at least a dozen, probably more, in many different combinations. And yes, after some time, we do get to know what our issues are, yet have a very difficult time overcoming them anyway. I haven't had nearly as much therapy as it sounds like you have, but I've had a good amount in the past, and do still feel very stuck. That's why I've been considering giving it another go. But it might not help anyway. It sucks feeling stuck, when you know what has to be fixed, but just can't seem to break out of negative patterns.

And you're right, alcohol, if drank in the right amounts, does seem to work better than any medication I've ever been on. I wish it weren't the case, but it is. I just know that, despite my experiences, they are very helpful for some people, so I wanted to bring it up. But I guess you've tried enough to know. I'm so sorry they don't work for you, either. Hang in there, sister :hug:

Stevo - Please don't feel the need to apologize for your posts. Newbie or not, you can say whatever you need to get off your chest. We're all here to support each other. I'm sorry you're going through such an emotionally wrenching and dark time right now. That's really awful that your insurance claim might not go through because of past drug use. I don't know all the circumstances of your case, but in general, I think it's terrible that we penalize people for something like that - especially when they're working so hard to get their lives back on track.

As far as the money from your father - please try as best as you can not to think too much about the motivation behind it and just accept it as a much needed gift. I could be wrong, but from the little you've told us, it doesn't sound like they're trying to get something out of you in return, or to try to get back in your life. You can still maintain your distance and continue in your healing from all the traumas of the past. Let your partner handle the money transaction and just use the money as you need to.

I'm so sorry they brought up you being a supposed disappointment. You're not. Your father was the disappointment and surely contributed greatly (if not entirely) to the rough time you had in adolescence. I went through something similar, although it wasn't my father involved. It was four years of regular sexual abuse, and threats not to tell anyone, at the hands of someone who was charged with taking care of me as a babysitter while my two parents worked. I had always been an anxious child, but the abuse left me pretty f**ked up, and years later I had an equally "disappointing" rough patch - I became severely anxious and depressed, started drinking heavily, dropped out of high school, ended up in a psych hospital, and couldn't hold a job for longer than a few months. I, too, got much better over the years.

Let me say again, because it bears repeating, you are NOT a disappointment, your family was. And I'm so sorry they're putting you in a position of having to relive aspects of the trauma that you're trying so desperately to forget. Try your best to just use the money to get back on your feet financially, then continue moving on. Hang in there. It really will get better :hug:

So I had an AF day yesterday, even though it wasn't my goal to do so until Wednesday I was feeling better sickness-wise, so I went to the gym and did a really intense workout that felt like it was about to damn near kill me. By the time I finished, I had no desire to do anything other than go home, have some dinner, and go to sleep. So that's what I did. I'm still gonna keep my promise for an AF Wednesday, and will even try to do it again tonight, just to see if I can.

Ne, Stuck - I know you guys are too busy to post right now, but I'm thinking of you, sending positive thoughts your way, and looking forward to hearing from you again soon. Anyway, I hope you're all having a good one out there!

[Stevo]

G'day to all and thanks LIS for your words of encouragement.
Well the day has come it has officially been 2 years since I have been drunk.Strangely enough I received a phone call yesterday afternoon from a fellowship member asking me if today was my birthday,I politely pointed out that it was almost 4 weeks ago and said that tomorrow was my original date.Either way it is irrelevant but nice to have gotten the phone call.The lady who rang was and is a nice lady.
I rang my sponsor last night and asked him why he hadn't called to congratulate me on my first year clean and sober,he said that he didn't know and he actually thought that it was February.He did say that he had been told that it was January afterwards but felt that he would wait until I called him(he added that because I haven't been going to meetings and I had had some choice words about the fellowship prior to walking away he himself felt quite resentful towards me).Anywho we had quite a long discussion and decided to meet for a coffee this morning.I have just returned home from the coffee.
Last night he was quite defensive of the fellowship even to the point of saying that I am trying to blame everything on the fellowship and there were people in there who loved me and wanted to see me back(sounding a little cultish to anyone)?Like everything was my fault and I was looking for an alibi or excuse other than me.I just told him that I was no longer interested in being a part of that type of thinking and I would meet him for coffee today.
Today when I met him his attitude had changed somewhat,he said that some of the things he had said last night were childish and congratulated me on going 2 years without being drunk.He sat and listened as I explained my point of view about the fellowship and actually agreed with a lot of what I had to say,but remained as ever the grateful and staunch AA member.He said last night that because I wasn't going to meetings anymore that it was only natural that I would be forgotten and that the members would move on to people who really wanted their help.Today he said that he had thought about that comment afterwards and realised how wrong that attitude was.He told me it was a little bit of spiritual growth for him and thanked me for pointing out how wrong this attitude was.
Everthing last night was exactly as one would expect an AA member to respond when someone challenged their beloved organisation.
Today was a case of the staunch AA member accepting the faults and realising that the beloved fellowship wasn't for everyone.
I told him that I was not being resentful and I was appreciative and grateful for all that he and AA had done concerning my drinking but essentially I could no longer sit in meetings and spout about what a wonderful experience it had been for me.He told me to keep in touch and we parted ways,he to go to an AA meeting and me to go and fill a prescription for Baclofen.

I am feeling much better today about the insurance thing aswell as the money coming from my father.I believe that my abilty to bounce back from these dark places is due to being on Baclofen as before I would have been physically and mentally ill from such interactions with my family for sometimes up to a week.

LIS thank you once again for your kind words and encouragement,I am glad to hear that you had some AF time and it wasn't even your goal too.Also that you are feeling better except for your self inflicted workout pain haha.Good luck with Tuesday and Wednesday too.

One last thanks to Kronkarr for the private message sent it is truly appreciated.
Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better about things today, Stevo And a huge congratulations on two years sober! That's awesome! I hope you can do something nice for yourself today to celebrate.

That's also really great that you were eventually not only able to have your sponsor listen to your point of view and accept it for what it is, but that he told you to keep in touch. I found that once I left the fold, people wouldn't go near me with a ten foot pole. The thinking is that, because AA is supposedly the only way to get and stay sober, that communicating with me would only drag them down with me, and we would all end up hopelessly relapsing.

I eventually used some of AA's own sayings to decide to part ways with them - that whole bit about "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got," and "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I thought to myself "my god, they're right! I've been trying the same thing (the AA way of getting sober) time after time, and it hasn't done me any good. Contrary to what they suggested, it wasn't because I wasn't working the program to the fullest extent. At least a few of those times that I tried the 12-step route, I did absolutely everything asked of me, but it just wasn't the path to sobriety for this woman. So I decided to stop being insane and try something different - ha!

And thanks for the good wishes, Stevo. I did not stay AF yesterday, but I most certainly will tonight. Not only is it my goal to do so today, but I have a job interview tomorrow and want to prepare for it with a clear head. Amazingly, I'm not completely freaking out about this one like I did with the last. I did so much preparation the first time around that I feel like I just need to brush up my mock interview skills a little tonight. Plus I need to do a little more research into this company so that I can sound like I know what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, this is not the job that I REALLY wanted - that one I applied to a little over a week ago. I never did hear back from them But it sounds a lot more promising than the last job I interviewed for. So if it sounds even better after talking to them tomorrow, and the salary they're offering is worth my while, then I will very seriously consider taking it, even though the hours are far from ideal. It includes 12 hour shifts, working three days one week, then four days the next. I would always be working weekend days, and my weekday shifts would be overnight shifts. Ugh! But as I said, if everything else about it sounds promising, then it might very well be worth it.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a great day out there!

[dundrinkn]

Good luck Lis. Hope the interview goes well!

And nice to see you bounce back, Stevo. Those interactions, both with family and with your sponsor, sounded challenging. It is very promising that you were able to not just get through them, but interact with your sponsor in a way you felt good about.

My mood is all over the map, but I'm doing okey dokey. Not drinking or even thinking about it, so that's a plus. Just wish I were a bit brighter and had more energy. Mostly all is well.

[Stevo]

A big G'day from down under to you all and thanks to LIS and dun for your support.

Good luck on the job front LIS and actually by the time I have written this you may have already been for the interview so I hope it went well.
The turning around of some of the AA standard quotes was quite funny to read and I could see them being horrified that their own words could be used in reverse to justify walking away LOL.Strangely enough I actually found out today that someone who I had spent quite a lot of time with in meetings and thought we were friends has unfriended me on facebook.So even though my sponsor said to stay in touch there are others that are definitely seeing me as someone who could possibly jeopardise their own recovery.It doesn't really worry me but I couldn't help myself and I sent them a message just saying"Wow,when did you unfriend me?"
I had heard along the grapevine that people were saying that I had bust.God bless them.None of them tried to get in touch to find out or God forbid offer a helping hand,they just started a rumour and ran with it.They can have it,I really don't mind haha.

Dun I hope that you are feeling a bit brighter with more energy soon but it is good to hear that you are not drinking or thinking about it.

I am in a fairly good place,I have had a productive day for someone who has terribly sore feet.I still haven't heard anything from the insurance company,I have been expecting a call as I left a message the other day but no response so far and I am a little apprehensive about calling them back.No news is good news or something like that.
The money from my father still has not been paid as far as I know but I think that my partner is avoiding checking her bank account obsessively and we are still in a bit of disbelief about the whole thing.We don't have high hopes or excitement around the situation incase they are dashed when the offer is reneged on.
I am still not thinking too much about the drinking experiment although I have had some discussions with my partner about it and she fully understands that if I can have a few and not be a slave to alcohol then I would have a greater freedom than spending the rest of my life in a nightmare state of abstinence.
She actually said to me the other day that she has always found it strange that people in AA would have a birthday celebration for the day they stopped drinking and that the date of their last drink was something that was remembered and considered important.She says to me"I wouldn't have a clue when the last time I had a drink was."She has never had any issues with drugs or alcohol and is a shining example of someone who lives in the freedom that I would like.She can drive me nuts but she is a damn good woman and has stuck by me for more than 12 years now.
Here is a funny story,
When we first met I was coming towards the end of a 5 year abstinence from alcohol(in AA)so I was sober.She invited me over to her house for dinner like a date,her friends had shown up earlier in the day and brought drinks with them.When I arrived and was walking up the driveway I could hear yahooing and loud music.I was thinking what have I got myself in for here,I walk in she is drunk and her friends too.She assures me all will be fine and to stay for dinner which I do.Her friends now gone we sit down to eat and I say to her"I don't think that you and I could ever work because you drink too much."I will never forget it.
Fast forward a few weeks and I start drinking again not due to her in any way and I go on a 10 year stint where I pretty much did nothing but work,sleep and drink.She will have a few when there are friends around and she will have a good time but she can stop and just move on with life,no problem.I start the ball rolling and it just continues to gain momentum as I am sure most people who are on this forum can understand.
Anywho I couldn't have been more wrong about her that night as we ate our dinner and she has been through a hell of a lot with me over the last 12+ years.
Babbling a bit now atleast it is positive babble.
Also thanks for congrats LIS haha.
Cheers Steve.