Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m so glad to hear that your girlfriend is warming up to you and even more happy to hear that you feel ready to take a break from drinking. jane had some good suggestions. If you have no responsibilities for the next two weeks, use that to your advantage. Be as lazy as you want to be, while still making sure that your mind is distracted. You can just watch movies, read, go for long, slow, lazy walks. I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed and anxious right now. At least some of that should lift after a few days and you’ll be able to focus a little more clearly. Hang in there :hug:

[Stevo]

G'day to all,
Just popping in to let you all know that I am still alive.

Wishing you all the best for the next 2 weeks Stuck and stoked that things seem to still be good for you too LIS.

Not a lot to report from here in Oz.It is starting to warm up again,the last couple of days have been pearlers.Do you guys say pearlers haha?It means great or beautiful.
My feet seem to be getting better.I was told that the condition that I have been dealing with could last for possibly up to 2 years.For me it has been about a year and although it seems to do whatever it wants whenever it wants I think that I am on the home stretch.
I brought a car the other day and picked up a real bargain which is cool.
My son is well and truly recovered from his operation and is as crazy as ever.
I have handed in the first 3 modules for the course that I am doing and although I have to rewrite some of the second 2 I am happy that they are in.The stuff I need to expand on isn't really a problem.I was stressing out prior to handing them in and started to think that maybe I had made a mistake by taking on a new qualification at this stage.
My little hobby company seems to run on it's own momentum these days and trying to deal with that and do the course was getting a bit hairy.
It is strange,for the last couple of years I felt that if I could make this little enterprise work then I would in a way be living a dream.It has certainly become something that has created an underground movement here in Australia and very maybe could be everything that I had hoped that it would be but now with the course I am finding that it is too much.It is almost like I have created a monster.
There is so much detail that is missing from this story but I am pretty sure you guys would not be very interested.I guess the point is that I should be over the moon with what is transpiring but instead I just feel overwhelmed by it all.
I am going to focus on getting the course finished as this is the priority due to the fact that whether or not I finish it I will have to pay for it.

I drank on the weekend as I do every weekend and believe that I have gained indifference back again.I had to force myself to continue drinking on Saturday night.I haven't had to go as high as I was on bac prior to deciding if I could get by on a maintenance dose.I am on 125mg a day and see no reason to continue to keep going higher.

Well that was a bit more than I had first thought I would write ha.I really do think sometimes that the details of my run of the mill life are not really worthy of boring you guys with.I am grateful that I don't have many dramas and that I am happy,I couldn't have said that honestly a couple of years ago.

I guess that is about all from me at the moment.I still drop in everyday and read posts on here,I don't feel I am really qualified to be giving advice or that my daily routines are of any interest to most therefore I don't post very much.I guess I have always been that kid looking in and wanting to be a part of but my own insecurities keep me standing outside.

Hoping that everyone is well and I get to read some new posts from you all soon.

Take care...

Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Hey Stevo. Your life doesn’t sound boring at all. It sounds really great! I’m so glad to hear your course is coming along, you’re still happily indifferent, and that your feet are getting better. And there’s nothing wrong with being both happy AND overwhelmed at times. I think it comes with the territory. As you might remember, I just got a job a couple months ago that is really all I have ever wanted for the last decade. I do love it, and I’m happy there most of the time, but damn does it get overwhelming sometimes, especially when I have to work weekends and often have to do literature searches, write reports, etc., in the evenings when I get home. But overall, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My point is, you have a lot on your plate right now, so it can make things seem overwhelming at times, but I hope you’re getting to enjoy your business at least much of the time.

On my end, still AF after two and half weeks. I don’t really get cravings anymore (thank you baclofen!), but I do occasionally have that nagging little voice of evil telling me to do things I shouldn’t. It’s getting easier and easier to ignore that voice, though. Still trying to figure out what I want to do with my free time besides just exercise, then lay on the couch all night, but I’ll figure something out eventually. Anyway, I hope you’re all having a good one out there!

[Lostinspace]

Hello all. I hope everyone’s doing alright. Stuck how are you holding up? I’m still hanging on, still AF, but having some really annoying moments. I’ve had drinking dreams the last two nights now. But not the kind where you actually do drink, then wake up wondering whether or not it really happened. In both dreams, my husband and I were out of town, and in both dreams I had a suitcase full of vodka and bourbon bottles, with a purse full of smaller bottles. In the first dream, my suitcase got lost, and in my frantic pursuit to find it, I ended up losing my purse, too. It drove me into a total panic because we were out of town and I had no way of getting more with my husband being the one driving us around. In the second dream, different out of town scenario, but same suitcase and purse full of booze. This time I didn’t lose either of them, but I was never alone for even one second. My husband never even went to the bathroom or gave me any opportunity to down a few shots without him seeing. I became increasingly anxious and irritable throughout the dream. Both nights I woke up with some intense cravings and was feeling pretty desperate until I finally managed to get back to sleep.

The worst part is that it followed me into the day today. I started having some serious cravings this afternoon, that continued as I left work. I went for an extra long walk at a local park I really love and the cravings finally started to dissipate. This is all really bothering me, though. I thought I was reaching a point with baclofen that I didn’t have to worry about this kind of thing anymore. I really don’t want to go any higher in dose than I already am, but I guess I will if I have to. Anyway, I hope everyone’s having a good one out there!

[Stevo]

Hi LIS,
They were some crazy dreams.It seems to me that they were tied in with the fact that you had to sneak drinks for so long prior to stopping recently,just a thought.
I want to congratulate you for holding out so well and encourage you to keep going.If you need to go up on the bac then so be it but you know best where you are at.

Keep up the good work and hang in there.

[StuckinLA]

I used to dream about a suitcase full of booze, too, but for different reasons. I've always wanted the briefcase the Hunter S Thompson has in the film version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Hah! It's just a briefcase full of drugs and bottles.

Anyway, I'm fine - I went almost 3 days without smoking, then cracked yesterday evening. Today I bought a pouch of rolling tobacco. I also got one of those little plastic rolling machines so I'm going to try and stick to that for it being cheaper and easier to monitor how much I'm smoking during the day. Roll however many at night, then keep them in a cigarette case. This is already too much talking about smoking - I'm not obsessing, it just wasn't worth torturing myself. I need to at least cut back, but I'd rather be able to concentrate and write (which I did do today) and not be miserable all day.

It's crazy how much better jogging was the last 2 days though. Still sucky, but shockingly better with just a couple days' break from the cigarettes.

So not much else going on. Applied for a couple jobs, got some writing done. No booze since last Friday and feeling OK about that so far. A little icy with the girl, but all right more or less.

Sounds like everybody is doing pretty well and it's great to hear.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Stevo. And I’m sure you’re right. It’s just my subconscious (? unconscious?) mind processing all the bits and pieces of my life now that a big change has taken place.

Stuck - I’m so happy to hear how well you’re doing with not drinking and with cutting back on smoking I did the same thing with smoking for the last year and a half or so before my six month quit. I actually started making my own cigarettes to save money, but an unintended, and wonderful, consequence of that is that I started smoking a LOT less. The process is pretty easy, but it’s time consuming. I usually couldn’t find the motivation to make more than ten or so a night. Now that I’ve gone back to smoking, my way of controlling how much I smoke is even better. I use the same tobacco that I used to make my cigarettes from, only I smoke it out of a really small pipe (I get about 4 or 5 puffs per full pipe) that I bought from a local head shop. It means my smoking is limited to the evenings and weekends because, even though it’s only tobacco, there’s no doubt that anyone seeing me smoke out of that thing would assume I was smoking weed. I wouldn’t be caught dead whipping that thing out at work! Anyway, it’s great to see you making so many positive changes and getting some writing done. Hang in there with the job search. I know how incredibly painful and slow it all is, but the right thing will come along eventually so long as you just keep putting yourself out there.

Anyway, today was better. I only had passing thoughts of drinking. No actual cravings and no tormenting dreams last night - just the usual weird, incredibly vivid, dreams that bac brings on, that I’ve come to really enjoy as a side effect. And after I make it through tonight, I will have been AF for three weeks! I know I said I wasn’t gonna keep track, but I’m not doing it in an AA way, if that makes any sense. Years ago, when I was going to meetings and counting days, it felt like torture. With every passing day it felt like it was getting harder and harder, and it all made me feel so hopeless. Also, if I slipped up, I felt like I had blown everything, that all of that clean time vanished. So of course it would inevitably lead to a full-blown relapse. Now I’m counting the days just because I’m amazed by what’s happening. Thanks to bac, it’s not getting harder. I definitely have my moments (like yesterday afternoon and early evening), but overall it’s getting easier, and I’m feeling freer with the passage of time. And oh my god, three whole weeks! I can’t remember the last time I went that long without being locked away in a rehab facility. It’s been years. I believe it’s really gonna happen this time and that I’m not turning back

On that note, I’ve rambled on long enough, so I’ll just wish you all a wonderful evening.

[treetops]

That's great Lis that you don't find it such a burden this time. I am with you on not being obsessesd about counting days but it's kind of nice to have a sense of achievement for yourself. That's the way I did it. I didn't make a big show of my AF days and it was great how they snuck up on me.
You take care too Stuck. And all the others here.

[MeJustMe]

Wow, great to see Stuck and LIS on a roll with AF time - fantastic stuff guys.

I'm up to a week AF. I kicked off with Antibuse last weekend and although I've stopped taking it, the Bac is holding. Not to say I have had a totally easy run, but it is so much easier than drinking. I've been staying up late watching House Of Cards on Netflix. Never seen the series before, and I can't help but stay up late watching a few EPs.

My wife is still drinking, and me being sober brings her drinking into sharp relief. It is not pleasant to watch.

My mum is much the same. Since her last strokes a few months ago, she has stayed in a loop of negativity and confusion. Oh well...

Stay well guys.

[StuckinLA]

Hi all,

Doing all right most of the time, but did get drunk with a friend on Thursday night while watching the republican primary debate. Though in my defense, that really was the only proper thing to do. The next day I was surprised that the girl wasn't acting mad at me at all. That was a relief, especially after not hearing from her all day, but it turned out she was just busy at work.

So back to the grind. I feel like I sure could go for a good afternoon of drinking down in the nice, dark, air conditioned bar, but for now I'm OK.

Good to hear you've hit a week, MJM, that's great! Sorry about the rest of it, but take care of you first. I've heard good things about House of Cards. Maybe I'll check that out. We just finished A Young Doctor's Notebook, also on Netflix. It's just 2, 4-episode seasons so it went by really quickly. I enjoyed it a lot.

That's it from me for now. Still trying to get some more writing done today. And the girl is cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the bunny cage. Did I mention we got a new bunny? They had to spend all week locked in a tiny pen in the living room so they would get used to one another and bond. That's been a pain in the ass. But today or maybe tomorrow they should be ready to move back into the deluxe, 2-story hutch/cage/whatever you want to call it. And I can let them hop around the apartment during the day.

Whew, that was a lot about rabbits. Anyway, have a good one everybody.

[Lostinspace]

Hey everyone. So sorry I haven’t checked in the last couple of days. Life has been super busy (in a good way).

Thanks, treetops. I’m glad to see that mindset worked for you, too.

MJM - Congrats on a week AF! That’s really awesome! So glad to see that the Antabuse carried you through until the bac could take over. I’m sorry you have to put up with seeing your wife still drink. That must be intensely irritating to be around when you’re sober. I hope you can continue to do what you have to do to take care of yourself as you deal with your mom. Hang in there.

Stuck - One drunk, then back to sobriety ain’t so bad. It’s so great to see you getting some writing done and focusing on what you need to. I hope your new bunny settles in and can live with the other one soon. I have to admit I’m a little jealous. I love rabbits, but my husband is dead set against getting one, for reasons I won’t get into. Grrr.

Anyway, I spent Friday night trying to catch up on some things so that I could take the whole day off yesterday for my birthday. My husband and I went kayaking, then had a barbecue by the lake. Then, we hit a movie and went out to our town’s famous ice cream shop afterwards. It was a really lovely day I guess that’s it out of me. I hope everyone’s having a nice weekend out there!

[treetops]

a very happy birthday Lis. It sounds like you had a fun day with your husband. Really glad it went so well. :yay:

[jane27]

Happy Birthday LIS!

[Stevo]

Happy Birthday LIS.

[dundrinkn]

Happy birthday, Lis!