Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Hey MJM. Sorry I didn't check in last night, but I'm glad that you got Stuck's message and that it gives you hope. You should have hope. You said yourself that on baclofen, even when you drink, your drinking is more contained. That's a wonderful sign that you're well on your way. Even with the help of baclofen, for most people, getting sober is a process, not an event. It certainly was for me, and I know many others. The best thing you can do for yourself is to abandon that old AA way of thinking. One night of drinking does not ruin any clean time you have, nor does it indicate that you'll continue drinking. Instead try to look at the progress - you drink less when you do drink. That's excellent! And you will rack up more and more AF time as you continue titrating up to your actual switch dose, or better adjust to the dose that you're on. Keep the faith. You're getting better and better all the time. It can be hard to see when the process is slow, but have no fear. You will achieve your goal of abstinence

[Stevo]

G'day guys,it has been a while.

MJM you have made me think of something that my father said to me many years ago and I have never forgotten.He said to me,"tomorrow doesn't have to be a reflection of yesterday."I know other people have said it but you are on bac and this doesn't have to be a downward spiral.Wishing you all the best mate.

Wow this place has been a hive of activity this week which was awesome to see although it is a bit sad.

My mum did break her hip and just today has been moved to a rehabilitation facility for physio and what not.The upside is she hasn't had a drink for 2 weeks and I spoke to her about half an hour ago and she said that she is feeling great,she is liking the morphine a little too much though haha.Hopefully she will be there for a while longer and she may begin to enjoy being without AL,it will definitely give her a bit of time to see that things don't have to be driven by AL.
I am going to go down there in a couple of weeks with the boys,it is school holidays here and the plane tickets are overpriced due to this.Atleast I know that she is safe for the time being.

I am still plodding along and trying to get this course finished,with no major changes or issues in my life.

Stoked to hear that both you LIS and Stuck are going well and I wish everyone the best.

Until next time take care...

Cheers Stevo.

[MeJustMe]

So the night before last, I drank even more than the night before - more than 2 bottles. Yet though I was really tired yesterday, my hangover was not so bad. Last night, I thought to myself, 'oh well, here we go again' and poured a drink. I had 3-4 sips and felt hungry (I hadn't had lunch). So I ate a bit, and I had zero interest in drinking any more (I was already struggling to drink even before eating). I gave the drink to my wife as I barely touched it, and did not drink any more last night.

I am a bit wary of saying I've hit the switch, but I must be close. That is a really, really good thing.

I'm sorry to have made LIS's thread a drama-filled place for the last few days, but a least it's a drama that focusses on what we're here for

Reading TerryK's 5-year anniversary post has given me a great deal of hope for Bac working for me too.

By the way, my wife has started on Bac too. That is something about which I am also feeling pretty optimistic.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - I’m sorry your mom was hurt that badly, but hopefully she will get to use the time to at least get used to not drinking. Are you still going to show her Dr. A’s book?

MJM - That’s so great to hear! I think you are close to the switch. Reaching indifference happens gradually, and the fact that you’ve now had a couple nights within the last week or so where you couldn’t care less about drinking is a really good sign. That’s excellent that your wife is going to start on bac, too It’ll be nice to have each other as a support. It’ll also make things easier for you in other ways because, even if you’re indifferent and have absolutely no desire to join her when she drinks, it can be annoying to be around people who are under the influence when you’re stone cold sober. Oh, and you have not made my thread a drama-filled place. You posted when you were having a hard time and needed support. That’s what this place is for. Don’t ever feel bad about saying what you need to get off your chest!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hiya peeps. I'm blathering away over on the other thread and thought I'd give a shout out. What's news?

[StuckinLA]

Huh, the mobile site is all different and weird on my phone all of a sudden.

Anyway, drank while out of town, drank on the plane home, and drank the last 2 nights. Only 1 of those times was to the point of being drunk. Like drunk drunk.

But Wednesday it really upset the girl. And last night I brought up the living situation because I had no idea what she was planning or what she wanted, and this whole past month she was determined to move out no matter what. Now she says she'll just take moving off the table. She's not looking at apartments and she's not going anywhere, but she's going to be on me about my drinking even more than before.

That presents 2 problems. First, it is such an abrupt 180 from what I've been preparing myself for that my head is spinning. And second, I really don't feel like being harassed and defensive about drinking. That isn't helpful. No one is going to claim that booze is good, or that being drunk all the time is OK, but I do have some sense of what I need to do to keep all my jobs and make it through this fall. Yes, just a couple short weeks ago that meant I was all psyched up for total abstinence, and that went right out the window. So who knows, maybe I'm not as on top of things as I think I am, but this is where we are.

And of course, I don't know how last night's conversation affected the now-not-moving-out thing.

Hope every one is doing well out there.

[dundrinkn]

Mobile site is different and weird. I opted not to post from it because I wasn't sure what was going to happen. There were two boxes to post in and I didn't want my entire post to be a headline.

Stuck, were you out of town for your dad's birthday celebration? Hope you had a good trip. Sorry that the girl is all over the map with things. That has to be tough. If she says she's taking moving out off the table, maybe trust that. And talk to her about the kind of support you need right now. Whatever that may be.

Hope everyone else is hanging in there. I'm having crappy SEs from going up on Bac. But I have put together quite a bit of AF time. Not counting -- at least not posting it ;-).

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m sorry you have to deal with your girlfriend flip-flopping on you like that. That’s gotta be rough. And ditto what dun said. You should talk to her about whatever kind of support you need.

dun - I’m so sorry to hear you’re having side effects now. I would suggest more gabapentin since 600 mg is still kind of low (I think?), but I guess if you’re already feeling out of it it’s probably not a good idea. I hope you feel better soon now that you’ve cut back to 100 mg. Anyway, congrats on the AF time! That’s awesome.

I’m doing well enough. Tired from a long week and ready for the weekend. I hope everyone else is doing well. Happy Friday!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sorry, Dun, to hear about the side effects. Congrats on the unstated AF time!



Stuck, in a lot of these discussions I haven't really seen you say what YOU wanted. Do you want her to stay? I hear you about the booze. I would have a really hard time with someone monitoring me...Especially when you're doing your best to hold it all together. I hope you had a good time out of town, too.



Lis, I still can't believe it's been 2 1/2 months and you're indifferent and you didn't tell us! Or did you and I missed it?



Happy Saturday!

[StuckinLA]

Eh, I don't know what I really want or what would be best for me. I have pretty much stopped thinking about it, since it wouldn't make a difference what I thought anyway. She was bound and determined to leave no matter what, and I spent the last month preparing myself for that, and then she just up and decided she's staying and didn't even really tell me she had stopped looking at apartments until I straight asked her about it. So in the span of 5 minutes the other night I learned that she's staying.

I feel like I have absolutely no agency, no control over my future or my present living situation. Whatever she wants to do, that's what will be. I got pretty drunk last night with a friend from school. I didn't mean to get that drunk - I went to the bar but I was just kind of hanging out by myself. He texted, then invited himself to come hang out, then the next thing I know I'm waking up in my living room this morning with a case of beer and a pint of whiskey next to the couch, and a pizza.

And the girl and I have spent the day in our separate corners - her in the bedroom and me in the living room. She went for a walk and then texted to say she was going to hang out at the bar for a bit, and I was welcome to join. I don't know where all this anger is coming from, but I just don't want to be anywhere near her today. Of course, I haven't stayed sober today, but I'm not drunk either. I simply want to be left alone and to have my own space. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I would love for her to realize the ways in which she is being unreasonable. But that's probably my disease talking and she's probably right about everything and if I were a better person and not an addict I would see all the ways I'm wrong. I hate addiction.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I hate addiction, too. We all do.



Relationships are so hard. Being unsure and unclear makes them particularly brutal. I noticed something earlier that I was really hesitant to mention...You said that you thought it was ironic that she decided to move out despite the fact that you were finally having some clean time. But my thought was that you were able to sort of focus on you, and what you need, and then get some clean time, perhaps because she said she was moving out? There were some other things you've written, I can't be specific here, that made me think it would be a good thing if you got your space back. I could be way off base, and of course, you can tell me to hush.



I'm going to post some stuff on my thread about my relationship with Ed that I feel like might help. I don't want to get into all my stuff here because I've got more to say about other things.



MJM, I'm sorry I haven't responded to you before. Particularly since you've been struggling with doubt and anxiety and that all-consuming-fear that this, too, might not work. I have been there. Oh, boy. I'm there right now! The difference is, I know it works. And I know it's a marathon, not a sprint. Dammit. Very irritating that I can't wake up one day and be the person I want to be without having to work so damn hard at it. (I don't mean to make light of the situation. It really is very difficult, and on some days, it breaks my heart that I'm drinking against my will again.) Since I have a habit of WAY too many words, let me just reassure you a bit: Stay the course. This stuff works. It's not just the amount of baclofen, it's also time...



Lis and others: About the whole finding things to do and not doing enough or anything and being bored and full of malaise...That, too, is about time. Habits are hard to create. Really hard. Harder to create than to stop, which is ironic if you think about it. So I'm going to employ one of the things I heard in the rooms and remind us all that it really is One Day At a Time. That's not just an AA thing. It's a mindfulness, awareness, living in the moment thing. It could help us find grace and gratitude and all sorts of wonderful things if we just remember that (as Stevo said) yesterday doesn't define today. Today doesn't define tomorrow, and hopefully we all have many days to figure out all this stuff.



In the meantime, enjoy the Netflix and the brownies and whatever else GUILT FREE. And at some point, get off your tush and take a walk or a bath or whatever. Be gentle with yourself. And remind me to do the same, because man, my inner monologue can be brutal.



Much love.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, and Kronk! Sri Lanka? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I kinda want to be you when I grow up. Your life sounds pretty amazing from here, my friend.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

My song for today:

Turn My Ship Around

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o358xut_JBE

The video is very cool, too. Even you might like it, Tk. Just mute the song, and put on whatever noise you're listening to these days.

[kronkcarr]

Ne,

Thanks. My world's funny--not necessarily hahaha funny. But, yes, Sri Lanka in March. I'm still not running on land yet because of my injury. I have an elliptical and a huge bay that I get into with a floatation belt and run. It's funny because I was told to run in a pool and I couldn't find a pool so I didn't. WTH? There's a whole bay there and I was making excuses. So my workout mantra is, "The answer is always yes."

I'm at 50 mgs and have very little desire to have alcohol. It's a choice for me now. But I have anxiety and lots of it. I'm not on here as much and that's helped. My son has helped too by reminding me that life isn't always fair and that people do what they do because someone or someones allow them. So I'm back staying my course and not being butt hurt.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Kronk, so are you telling me that you take your elliptical to the bay and then get on it in there? If so, that's so great.
And I really like the mantra, too.
I understand about not logging on as much. I used to pretend not to read his posts, but read them anyway. Now I actually have him on ignore and actually don't read them. It's helped immensely. As has posting. I gotta do what I've gotta do, and what I've always done in times of transition or stress is relied on this place. Especially when it relates to alcohol and baclofen. I know I'm the only regularly posting old-ster, but still, it seems to help me keep my thoughts clear.

Anyway, sorry to hear about the anxiety. Have you thought about seeing a pdoc? There are solutions that aren't benzos! (Just not Celexa or Lexapro. They don't go with bac. I don't remember why, but Terryk sent me a link a looong time ago, and the reasons were sound. That is often the go-to for docs looking to treat mild [ha!] anxiety. Just so you peeps know.)

Alright. I'm going back to bed. More from me, about me, in the morning, I suppose.

Lis, how's work?