I'm Self Destructing

[changemylife]

I am currently unbelievably angry right now and I don't think it has anything to do with Al. I've been my definition of sober for over 90 days. 60 days AF & a few drinks thrown in on select occasions over the last 30 days. Ive had a few drinks moderating but never more than two in a two hour period.

My last drink was 12/06/08

I have been back to my old happy self and my life has been great... until yesterday.

I blew up, everything that I have been holding back has come out. Personal/business

I've been in a fog for a long time. Now that I'm sober and looking around, I don't like what I see. I know I cant drink so that is not an option.

I find myself sitting here saying what the fuck is the point of my hard work if no one appreciates it. I make a lot of money and provide a lot of things but there is no teamwork. Maybe I expect too much out of my wife. She is very comfortable transfering the stress/pressure of "all this" to me.

We work together and has told me that she does not want to take any more responsibility and learn. That was not the plan. So now I say to myself... No Future. Why am I killing myself if she will not be a team player.

In the last year, I have been picking up the slack for her because she is not getting the job done. So now I feel like I'm going to do what I want and not what I'm supposed to do.

Am I wrong, will this pass? I am deeply hurt. If she doesn't give a shit, Why should I?

On the personal side, I blew up again last night. Every week, a women comes to clean the house. Every week, she finds a way to get out of the straiting up the house and I have to do it or she waits until 10:00 to start. I come home ready to get the job done so I can relax the rest of the night. I'm not going to help her if she starts at 10. So I do my part as best I can and get disturbed why I am trying to relax. I feel it looks like i'm not doing my part sitting down and she is cleaning.

Am I wrong, will this pass? I am deeply hurt. If she doesn't give a shit, Why should I?

Rambling, any advice would be nice.

[ready2change]

I'm Self Destructing

CML...I'm sorry your feeling so frustrated! Congrats on being AF. Drinking will NOT solve any of your issues.

My only advice to you is to do all that you do and be all that you can be for YOURSELF. Not for anyone else. Take pride in all YOUR accomplishments, for they are your accomplishments. We cannot wait for others to acknowledge our feats, for that may never come for whatever reason. We simply cannot control anyone but ourselves. Sometimes simply our acts inspire others, and sometimes not. I cannot fault you for wanting to be a team with your spouse. Have you tried talking with her about how you feel? I know my husband is not good at sharing his feelings. But getting angry only hurts YOU. And might just push your wife further away. Please try talking (calmly) with her and letting her know how you feel.

Is it possible in your business to hire outside help to pick up the slack, so you don't have to do it all?

I hope this helps, it can be very overwhelming to feel your not being appreciated.

R2C

[changemylife]

I'm Self Destructing

Thanks for the quick response, They have definately helped me.

I guess this is a bump in the road to heading in the right direction. I just don't know why Ive gotten like this in the last 2 days. I have never been happier in my life until yesterday.

Maybe the stress is just getting to me. It is that time of the year that most people dread. I think I need to sleep, unfortunately I cant. I've been non stop work without good sleep. Bad Dreams, etc.

I guess my main goal right now is not to self destruct all the good I've done in the last 3 months. I'm just trying to shake the feeling. I Don't want to see or talk to anyone. I'd rather isolate that try and be the "Fake Happy" I hate being fake. I think it tears me apart more than it helps to be around people.

[startingover]

I'm Self Destructing

Hiya Change,
Give yourself that time if you can. We all need time on our own with no pressure.
Living a new sober life will always bring bumps in the road but also massive rewards too as you have found out.
Take some time, and just let it pass, dont try to force it. It will you know...
take care

[changemylife]

I'm Self Destructing

As i'm getting it out, I'm starting to feel better. Thank god for Mywayout. Somewhere to express one's feelings.

I guess I have to let things be and try and work on them slowly. I'm hoping to get back to my happy place soone

Maybe I just need to get laid. That usally makes me feel better. (with my wife of course)

[kaponium]

I'm Self Destructing

Change - firstly, posting your true feelings and natural frustrations (physical and otherwise!) is brilliant. It has surely worked for me recently.

And YES - things DO pass and it is vital as alkies/problem drinkers to wait the storm out without AL..

Do you know the serenity prayer....

God (or whoever)
Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the (people/places/things) I cannot change
COURAGE to change those things I can
and the WISDOM to know the difference

Sometimes in times of UTTER helplessness and hopless feelings, I just repeat that in my mind over and over....

Good to see you, and be rest assured that if you let the emotions subside, clarity WILL return.

Misery is optional, Pain is inevitable.