Keeping track of where I am

[Mike!]

I hope you've made it through the night without a drink, that's a big step. You're bound to feel edgy, just keep chipping away at the need to drink when you can x

[Choices]

Thanks mike. I made it through. Now just getting ready for my daughters Christmas concert. Which would be torture if I was hungover. Hope your well today.

[Choices]

I'm feeling really tired today.. but so glad I got through last night. I didn't feel like I was going to drink but I was very uncomfortable. My daughters Christmas concert was SO cute. I didn't feel social at all... I did my fare share of talking with parents but I felt pretty shy. I've just got a lot going on in my head.. Shy isn't bad. I don't think anyone cares anyway. And I was glad I bought something store bought for the shared plate.. I'd wanted to make something, but ran out of time and in my state last night.. couldn't handle the pressure. I used my camera that I fished out last week and did a video of the whole thing.. I really am enjoying being behind a camera.. Might ask for a small camcorder for Christmas.. as I have no idea what I want.. Might be really fun to start making small movies.

[treetops]

Hi Choices and glad you made it through. You can do this. I have to get my Christmas stuff organised and our travel.

[Choices]

Good luck getting your Christmas stuff done TT and your travel. xx

[ItsJustMe]

Choice – That is really cool that you were able to go, be sociable, and do it on your own (No AL). I mentally put myself in that situation and it really feels uncomfortable. At the very least, I wouldn’t be sociable. Case in point – my youngest is a senior and plays HS football. I can count on two fingers the number of parents I talked to at games or other football events. It’s not that I am unfriendly, I am terrible at making small talk and afraid I am going to say the wrong thing. I think that is why I am pretty good at doing speeches and presentations – I know what I am going to be saying.

But anyway, I know that was a big step for you and I am really happy that you did it; and on your own!!!

Have an awesome day. This has to be day 8 or 9 for you (freaking time zones….. Makes me think too hard)

[Choices]

Thanks IJM,

How have you been? Hope all is well with you! I haven't been posting as much as I was but still going. This sure isn't the easiest time of year to quit.. but I'm glad I can count on not over doing it and making a fool out of myself.

[Choices]

Alright time to journal again so that I can keep track of where I am and don't just say F--- it. My goal is to go one day at a time for a week because I know this week is going to be a test. And I am not going to throw away all my hard work and start over!!! So I'm just going to keep typing here and get through this. Getting my daughter ready for school was tough because I couldn't find anything.. ie... shoes... we were out of bread.. all the simple but critical stuff to get out the door and have her ready. I found myself beating myself up? And had to remind myself that I had escaped a pretty tricky fall off the wagon situation the past few days.. and especially last night. I kept reminding myself... your doing your best... ease up!!! I'm relieved I did not drink last night. Thankful to all that happens here in MWO and grateful it exists. I'm strong but fragile in my sobriety... which I guess makes since. Over the past month I haven't checked in as much as I haven't been thinking about alcohol at all really and when I do check in.. I think about it.. It didn't feel healthy.. for me...and I found myself getting depressed so kept my head up and just looked forward to the things that are helping me right now. Yoga, paddle boarding, my new course, my daughter, keeping a clean house, food cooked for diner... enjoying friends.. etc... I've been writing about my father here in MWO since I came here the first time.. and needless to say... I become very vunerable to drinking when I have too much to do with him... That's all I'm going to write..about that. I literally feel like I need to keep grabbing for the life saving devise at the moment because if I don't I fear I will drown. One of the things my yoga teacher talks about is mental strength.. How we can remain strong mentally during tough times and not shake.. I like this so I am going to do some deep breathing after I type.. and not put too much pressure on myself today. I'm going to honor that this is really hard for me at the moment. and not just brush it aside.

[NoSugar]

Is whatever your dad did that upsets you still happening, Choices? If it isn't, you don't have to keep replaying it in your head. If it is, maybe you need to reset your boundaries with him. You shouldn't have to feel threatened.

I'm glad you're posting and taking care of yourself. Love, NS

[lex]

choices- you have a great attitude! You said just what I needed to hear. Thanks!

[Rusty]

Choices-you don't know me, but Hi, I'm Rusty, and I've been sober almost 4 years...and I was just lurking on this thread when I saw the post about your father and I hope you won't mind if I just pop in and weigh in on this:

I've been writing about my father here in MWO since I came here the first time.. and needless to say... I become very vunerable to drinking when I have too much to do with him... That's all I'm going to write..about that. I literally feel like I need to keep grabbing for the life saving devise at the moment because if I don't I fear I will drown.

For several years, I was associated with a much older man (who had been my best friend's partner for 30 + years) who had a big heart in most ways and was a total piece of trash in others. He reminded me of my own father, because he was my father's age...except this guy was a lecherous snake who treated my best friend terribly. I cut him out of my life completely several years after my best friend died because he was a HUGE trigger for my drinking. I set boundaries with him that he broke every time, having no respect for my time at all. Cutting him out of my thoughts and not giving him my time made staying sober SO much easier. NoSugar's comments about the boundaries are right on. I admire your strength...and absolutely, vent away!!

[Choices]

Thanks NS, Rusty and lex.

I don't see my father very much. I live very far away from where he lives. Yes, it's still going on. I am not comfortable talking to him about any of it. I've tried before and it is to scary. We've been to therapy together, to work it out.. nothing works. Except for me to keep working at not letting what he does bother me. When I tell people what is happening they can't believe how weird he is with me. My husband is so angry with how he is. I was thinking maybe I can lie and have food poising for this bbq. Something is really wrong with me. How my father attacks is so very quiet. so it feels like it's all in my head. Maybe it is? Only I don't think it is.. I feel so unstable.

[treetops]

Hang on in there . if it's so bad why not pull out of the BBQ. Say you are sick. Protect yourself. And if you do pull out don't feel guilty. At least you have dinner sorted out for tonight!

[Choices]

Thanks TT, yes, tonight is sorted and in the works. I may just pull a sickie. The thing is he is 73 not in the best health or worst.. I just don't want to regret not seeing him down the road. But I have time to decide this. Just aw my paddle buddy at pick up and told her about my problem briefly.. Not the alcohol problem, all she knows is I don't drink. But the family one. She's got some family problems of her own, as we all do, and double checked if I still wanted to go for a paddle Sunday before the bbq. I said definitely so I could have fun and be in a good mood for whatever comes my way. It's impossible to be upset on the water.. I'll loose focus and fall in if I don't pay attention. And if I fall in its a nice cold attitude adjustment. I can just look forward to my course tomorrow and paddle boarding Sunday... There will be so much to learn tomorrow.. I will snap out of this. During it and it's a reminder not to drink tonight no madder what because I would be so disappointed if I missed the class.

[Choices]

Falling off... I would say I'm not sure why I'm doing this but I am pretty sure. I am drinking. Because I'm in pain. I do this. yes I want to stop. But I'm not sure tonight.. this wine is helping me with emotional pain. I don't want to black out and make a mistake with my husband.. but yes for right now it is helping. Also, we had a fight tonight. I thought he was a jerk. sometimes he is.. sometimes I am ... I'm overwhelmed.