Weekends

[pixie]

Weekends

Hi Paul

If having company helps any, I drank last night too against my plans. It was really eating at me, I got very anxious and then gave in. Like you I didn't overindulge, but I didn't really enjoy it either, which made me feel stupid when I woke up, because what as the point? I wish I could understand better the thought pattern that gets me to that point - most of the time I can distract myself before it gets that bad, but when I fail that, I can't seem to talk myself out of the panic feeling. Does that make any sense?

I know I'm doing better than I was, just like you, so we should feel good about that. But I hate losing the battle with my mind.

Wow, wasn't that a great pick-me-up response - sorry.

I definitely won't drink tonight - I'll think of you doing the same.

pixie

[Popeye]

Weekends

Hi pixie
That makes perfect sense.
I'm feeling better now. Normally on a Saturday, I'd be straight up to the shop and back in the land of oblivion by now. I don't even want a drink and I know I won't be drinking tonight either. My wife has her work's night out toonight, so it would be a good oppertunity for me to sit in on my own and get plastered, but I don't want to. That's a good feeling isn't it?

[pixie]

Weekends

it would be a good oppertunity for me to sit in on my own and get plastered, but I don't want to. That's a good feeling isn't it?


Yes, that IS a good feeling. Glad you're feeling better.

pixie

[Popeye]

Weekends

Hello everyone,

I have had a pretty hectic time over the last couple of days.
Wednesday was a day of contrasts.
Scene 1: I was at work at a site in Glasgow city centre. I was feeling good and working hard and thinking about us, here. At lunch time, I was talking to my friend, who is also my boss, about stuff in general. He knows a bit about me, but not how strongly I feel about sorting myself out. I decided to tell him a little about what I am doing. We were stopped at a road crossing and I started to tell him about this place, MWO, and what a great help it is to me. All of a sudden, his eyes glazed over and his attention seemed to drift to another place. It was as if I was talking to myself.....only for two or three seconds. He knows that I have a drink problem and he knows also that I would like to address it, but he was looking at me as if I were a lunatic. He quickly changed the subject and we carried on with the rest of our day, but I couldn't help but wonder......I know that I am doing the right thing, but in the eyes of my peers, I must appear to be odd, maybe even slightly mad. I don't care about that, but that experience has deterred me from opening up. I knew that there was a reason that I don't like socialising and talking to other people, but I thought I'd give it another try. This is the only place I can say what I feel and not feel foolish. The rest of the time I seem to be keeping up a front.....does that make sense?
Scene 2: My wife and I went to a concert. It was wonderful. There was a choir and an orchestra and guest singers from London's West End theatre. It was a mix of classic and contemporary Christmas music and singing. The hairs on my neck stood up on a few occasions. A great night! I remember thinking how grateful I was for the changes in our life....not just mine.
All this goodness has happened in only five weeks. I have been moderating for a month but I have decided to stop all together.
I was at my work's night out last night. I had a nice meal then I made my excuses and came home.
I'm a new man.
:thanks:

[lushy]

Weekends

Paul, you sound so strong in your decision, it is wonderful to hear.

I know what you mean about not wanting to tell the "real" people in your life. I made the mistake of opening up to a non drinking friend (although she is overweight because her addiction is food so I figured she would understand) and now she will not let it go, almost as if she is my gatekeeper. It really has caused a wedge in our friendship because I did not tell her in order for her to be my keeper. I told her as nice as I could the other day that I am dealing with it on my own and she needs to back off before I come over and start weighing out and portioning her food. I am sorry your coworker was not more supportive. No offense, but some men are real uncomfortable with that kind of closeness and sharing. Maybe that was his problem.

You sound like you are on a great path. I wish you a peaceful, sober holiday.

[Popeye]

Weekends

Hi Lush
....It's part of the culture in the circles that I find myself in.....construction worker, machismo, drinking, cursing, fighting etc. I have always found a lot of the attitudes quite uncomfortable. I even tried to 'join in' for a while, but it really isn't me.
I really wasn't looking for my friends support as such. I think I was addressing an honesty issue within myself, if that makes sense???

I just got a phone call. My wife is going to the pub with her friends and my daughter's partner is also going out so my daughter is bringing her daughter to spend the evening with me. My grand-daughter is six weeks old and it will be the first time that she has been in our house for any length of time......fantastic!


'she needs to back off before I come over and start weighing out and portioning her food.':H
Love,

[Accountable for Me]

Weekends

Keep Strong Paul!

Hello all! Well Paul, funny you mentioned that your boss kind of felt uncomfortable with the conversation of your MWO experience. (not funny - haha, just ironic).

I had my Nana here for 5 days over the last week due to our horrible storms and power outages, and I too, started to tell her with all of this 'excitement' about MWO and how I have found the strength etc here.

She looked at me as if I was more mental than I was when I was gulping back the drinks! (I am sitting here laughing - remembering the look on her face). Anyway, it works for me and that is all that matters as far as I am concerned!

On another note, I decided to send out an email to all of my family and friends telling them, that I appreciate their concern about my problem, and asked them politely to butt out. I don't know about some of you, but, it seems everytime I am with one of them, the first thing they say is "HI, so how is that drinking going?" Not "Hi, how are you doing?" That question has been the first one anyone in my family has asked me for the last 3 years. It is so insane, I think one of the reasons why I kept drinking was because it was expected of me. Everyone thinks I am a drunk, so why not be one?

It is amazing what the last month of sobriety has brought me EMOTIONALLY, and physically. I really felt a surge of anger towards my relatives. I am soooo tired of being treated like I have the plague, and being treated with no respect what-so-ever! I know this is all part of the healing process.

In my email, I had asked them to politely not bring up my past anymore. I have already paid the price oVER AND OVER, and am tired of apologizing for things that happened 3 1/2 years ago. (The peek of my problem days). I told them from now on, my past is not up for discussion because of the constant guilt, shame and just reliving that nightmare; day after day was literally driving me to the bottle. (Something I just came to realize). I know I am an alcoholic, but.... I think it wouldn't of been so bad if it wasn't thrown in my face all of the time....

sigh.... need some Christmas Music to try to pep me up. Thanks for letting me rant. I totally appreciate it. The holidays bring forth a lot of emotions I have difficulty dealing with drunk, let alone sober.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! :thanks:

[lushy]

Weekends

Accountable, that was so awesome of you to send out that e-mail. Funny how people that do not drink do not get that we are wired completely differently. It is not that we are bad people and have chosen the wiring we were given. I only have one person from my past that asks the "hows the drinking going" question to me and it makes me want to slap her. You would never ask an overweight person, "so how is that shoveling food in your mouth all day long going?"

Okay, now I am sounding angry and really I am not!

Paul, have a wonderful time with the six week old granddaughter. You are sweet to do that. How special.

[Accountable for Me]

Weekends

Ahh... That is the sad part...

Every single person in my family are alcoholics. I guess because I made a ghastly display of my problem 3 years ago, I get singled out. But, hey that is OK. I am learning a lot about this disease, the inter-relational aspects of it, and especially about myself.

I keep telling myself while going through all of this emotional stuff that I have so darn much to be happy about and sober for. I guess I came to the decision that I need to focus on me for now and not what others think.

Maybe I am finally growing up... ha ha ha ha ha ha:H

[Popeye]

Weekends

Accountable,
I guess I came to the decision that I need to focus on me for now and not what others think.
I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment. I am doing a good thing here. I am improving myself. I am improving the life of those around me. If a person dosen't understand my motives or considers it wierd that I should actively not want a drink, then I don't think that I should be made feel odd. I am not odd. Odd is sitting alone in the house poisoning myself with bottles of vodka. Odd is staggering along from day to day, not remembering what happened last night and not caring what's going to happen tonight. Well, I've had enough of that. The new me is happy to let other people think what they like. My wife is glad and I'm glad....and I do feel like I'm growing up.

Thanks Fan

[Accountable for Me]

Weekends

Touche!

Me too! Who cares about what others think anyway! My poison was Vodka as well, and man - I am feeling fantabulous these days!

I was just putting my little one to bed for a nap and started to laugh out loud thinking about all of this and she looked right into my face and started to laugh along with me.... (I hope she wasn't laughing at me - no, just kidding, she wasn't)

Now, this is the very reason why I don't give a rats bum what others are thinking about me anymore. My focus is being sober and enjoying these precious moments!!!!!!

Enjoy your precious little grand daughter. It feels like yesterday mine was so little... Now she is a walking and talking 19 month old Mighty Machine!!!

[Suzanna]

Weekends

Accountable and Paul, you both are evolving and those around you don't know how to handle it, but you are right, it is THEIR problem. The holidays bring us all together and each family member is supposed to assume the identity, whatever their role is in the family and if people change it is met with resistance. Lush I love the food analogy! lol would serve her right~!

[Popeye]

Weekends

Yup! We're doing OK aren't we.

[betty boop]

Weekends

Hi All,

Paul I really understand what you mean, My 2nd job is as a Slimming Consultant, and every christmas we have a 'fuddle' I Usually take wine but didn't this year. One of my ladies bought sherry trifle, and the 1st comment was 'not enough sherry' I would normally have agreed but I immediately said 'but we're driving' I really didn't want it............. It's strange.

God Bless You Paul, you have been my inspiration.

Love to you and your family this Christmas :l :h :l

[Popeye]

Weekends

Thanks Paula,
You are an angel
:l :h :l