Why?

[Accountable for Me]

Why?

Thinking of you Dx. I am at both ends of this one. Here I am one with an addiction, and have done very well to overcome it for the most part. Then on the other hand I am married to a person with this addiction and I have been sitting back and watching him kill himself by drinking.

No matter if you are the addicted one or not it hurts everyone involved. I feel empathy for both you and Determinator. It just sucks. They should make alcohol illegal - end of story. There wouldn't be so many families destroyed by this shit. I have watched my own family end up in Hell because of it.

I have faith he will get back on track. Wishing you both lots of love and lots of strength.

[gottatry]

Why?

i also have faith D will get back on track. He and I have talke before, and he has been there to listen. A great guy all the way!

[KateH1]

Why?

Dearest DX,

First of all, we all love both of you. You can always share and seek support here. We know that you love each other and we also understand how difficult it must me from time to time. It really hurts when somone we love is suffering. It is also confusing and frustrating when it seems like the one we love hurts themselves, deliberately. As crazy as it might seem, I do not believe that it is self inflicted pain. I also do not believe that abusing alcohol is always about pleasure seeking. In fact, I wonder how much of the time it is about seeking pleasure rather than wishing to escape pain.

Severe childhood abuse and abandonment are some of the deepest injuries a human can endure, especially at the hands of ones own parents. A child is supposed to be nurtured and protected by their parents. When a child is being abused and neglected in their own home, they are helpless. There is no where to go, no safe place, no one to talk to. Nothing in the world makes any sense. I know this because this type of abuse also happened to me. I have shared my story with D and we have talked about this. No, alcohol is not the answer, in fact, it does make things far worse for us in the present day. But sometimes in the moment we feel that alcohol will take us away from the deep pain, that always lingers.
Sometimes, no matter how much we are loved and how much we love in the present, that horrible pain takes over and we feel that fear and we feel very isolated and alone.

I say this after years of therapy and reading hundreds of books. Years ago, I saw the movie written by Carrie Fisher called Post Cards from the Edge, in that movie, in a drunken fight with her equally drunken mother Carrie says "I drink because I can't feel my life". Wow! That struck a cord with me! What we are feeling when we are drunk is "Not Real Feelings", but the alcohol removes the blocks and at least we "Feel" something strongly. This is not to say that we don't Feel Love for those that we love, but sometimes it is very hard to be in the moment. I am not excusing the drinking, just trying, in my own way to present a way of understanding why and how this happens.

I do believe that sobriety is the answer to living a fulfilled life and I know for sure that Determ believes this with all of his sweet heart. I know he will get back on track. You two are quite a team!

If there is ever anything that I can do for either of you.....just pm me. My thoughts and my love are with you both.

Love,
KateH

[Determinatrix]

Why?

AFM - I have no idea how you handle the double stress. You must be one hell of a woman.

Gotta - I love your name. I'll take you optimism.

KateH - You are very eloquent and make sense. Thank you for sharing with me.

Thank you everyone for supporting Determinator.

[Determinator]

Why?

I am truly, in awe, first for my lovely incredible Wife for posting this thread and for caring so tremendously, and secondly for the army of love and support that you have brought to my aid. I WILL be ok and I know it. it's 24 hours AF for me know which is a painful but critical start. I'ts just amazing that after such a great year I can fall off this nasty cliff with hardly a thought. Soon I'll be back to my self and able to lend my hand to others in a rough spot. I really do have a ton to be gratefull for which confounds me even more as to my behaviour. I' sure that it's a combination of things..which is why it's hard to get this enemy in my scope.
in regards to my concerns about the social stigma of being a non drinker perhaps I should develop more of a sense of humor about it. if someone says 'hey lets get a pitcher of beer' and I said 'only if you wanna see me swinging around on the ceiling fan and throwing cue balls throug the window' that ought to shut them up. David Letterman hasn't drank in a long time and has no trouble making jokes about it.
Bootsie, thanks for the info on the landmark site....I will look them up for sure.
thanks again freinds!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXX

[Guest]

Why?

Wishing you and Detx all the best.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[southernbelle47]

Why?

David Letterman is NO where near the person our Determinator is......

[southernbelle47]

Why?

Now....where IS that garlic guy.....I need some help in growing the right kind!
Time to plant some!
Nancy

[Justin Time]

Why?

Dx,

For me, a big part of my identity was tied up in being a drinker. It offered a lot of solace and was the source of a lot of good times, associated closely with "friends" and "happiness" and "good times" and all kinds of other things that I just didn't want to see myself giving up. For me, I had to change the way I thought about alcohol too. That was part of the answer to my "why". I can't speak for Det.

Like Satori says- none of the fears turn out to be true, but that doesn't make them seem less real. I thank God for the multi-pronged MWO program that is working for me and hope it works for you guys.

[karma7171]

Why?

Dx and D

Dx I personally think this is just part of the process....and it sucks. You are the most heartwarming person I have seen on this board trying to help the one you love. So many get fed up and just quit on them.

What I mean as part of the process....we give it up and learn many skills in giving it up. "What to say"...yada and all that. But in the back of our minds we always "wonder" what if? Once the "what if" is gone something does change. Are there some that can moderate and be happy...yes. I have made many great friends here...that are not on the boards anymore....all of us tried the "what if". All of us were successful in cutting our drinking back....but still just not happy with it. It is hard to put into words....but once a relationship is damaged it kinda stays that way esp. with alcohol. You will never be able to look at it with the freedom you did. D's family life def. did damage....and it will probably never be "the Cleavers"....it is kinda the same with drinking.

Give him the space you need to stay sane. You need to stay well. Let him rant and rave....because you know that it is a matter of days before he is himself again.

I do now look at people who just simply don't drink with awe and admiration. I "watch" those who do drink and really have to think to myself "do I want that". There is always the part of the evening where I envy them...free flowing...feeling good. The next day though I get the horror stories...and the one who doesn't usually drink at all is the one I am picking up off the bathroom floor.

Take a good hard look at what it really is. It is a drug bottom line. It will cause the most sane person to do stupid things. And since D...wants to see the humor in it...just look at the ads for booze. Could they come up with anything more stupid to get us to drink? Right now I am enjoying the beer ads that pour out "nature"...REALLY....so if I drink does that mean I will feel like I am out in the woods roughing it? I use it as good entertainment to and from work...because they can not give you one "good" reason to drink.

Enough of my rant on that...hang in there. You both are committed and will make it through this!

Karma

[nancy]

Why?

Hi there

Determinatrix, I hope you feel that this is a support site for you too. I hope you don't overlook your own needs because Determinator is in a crisis. You have needs too.

I think it's a little overwhelming to think about a lifetime without alcohol. I think it's sometimes more useful to think of stopping as temporary even if you know deep down you won't be able to handle it ever. Take it one day at a time.

Determinator: Have you read Alan Carr's Easyway to control alcohol? It addresses a lot of the psychological issues. He makes a convincing argument that the need to have alcohol in social situations is just an illusion. I know he is right. Have you ever smoked? if so, you know when you are a smoker you have the illusion that you need a cigarette to do every simple task. There's something similar operating with alcohol. Anyway, if you have not read the book, I strongly advise you do.

I am impressed that Satori can continue to go to bars and just drink non-alcoholic drinks. For many people, that would be very difficult. I would avoid going to places that are centered around booze.

Your idea of making a joke when people suggest booze sounds good to me. You seem to have a great sense of humor. Remember, people want to be with you, the alcohol should be secondary.

[janka]

Why?

Hi Dtx and Det, you are both such blessings to all of us! I have faith that Det will again succeed in being AF, with patience, a sense of humor and persistence, especially with Dtx's infallible support and the inspiration of friends at MWO. Take good care, both of you, with my prayers and tremendous respect, j

[Mags]

Why?

Dear Dx
I have been trying to post a response to you all week but have been so busy I can barely keep up. I'm sorry for being late.

You asked a most difficult question - WHY? God, don't we all wish we knew the answer! What I can tell you is that you have to trust us. I know how much you love and cherish and care for Determinator. He is so lucky to have you by his side. You have to help him as you are so gracefully doing, but you also have to trust him. Trusting us doesn't mean that we won't drink too much at times and do things we regret as a result. Trust us that we are working so hard - so terribly hard - not to. And the damage we do nowadays is much less than the damage we may have done in the past. You know as much as anyone on these boards how much we all hate this.

It's going to happen. Sometimes even the best of us will have challenges too big for us and slip. That's the way it is. WHY? Because it just is. You have done so much more than any spouse could do - you have given such love and support to D. We often talk about our pain as alcoholics and too often ignore the pain of those who love us and are trying to help us. I personally think you are incredible. I'm sorry for your pain also.

I managed to type many words without answering your question. Sorry about that. Determinator will be OK. Trust him and trust his resolve to fight this. He can do it - especially with you by his side.

You two are a hell of cute couple. Peace to both of you.

[Determinator]

Why?

test

[Determinator]

Why?

This from my lovely Dx (her mwo account is having problems):



Det Honey, I am so glad that you know that you are not alone. You are
mine, all pain and all joy.

Star thank you.

Justin - I understand the identity issue, as well as the pomp and ceremony.
Iit's amazing how much I did not notice how alcohol is so entwined with
being young and cool (beer commercials), or mature and well-to-do (winerys
and food pairings).

Nancy A lifetime without alchohol is a disturbing thought, even for me.
No celebratory champagne toasts on New Years? No trying the $300 bottle of
wine someone breaks out on a special occasion? No sippin on port while
smoking a new birth cigar? These are times when I think Mods would be good.
The difference in these examples is being a partaker, as opposed to showing
up to the party as a drinker. I think the term Mods has meant (for Det)
that he can drink up uptil he is out of hand. Unfortunately the alcohol is
already affecting the brain and it is a tough time to be making clear
desicions.

Mags For the most part, I do trust him. I trust that he wants this and
have seen the hard work he has accomplished in the last year.
I have given up any thought of control beyond inspiring and encouraging.
I know that he has to find his own path.
Thank you for kind words. They really helped.

Thank you all for your support and friendship.
Dx