Discussing old girlfriends

[Hundi]

Discussing old girlfriends

going against the grain

Personally - I am fascinated by husband's ex stories (I may be slightly demented though) - I appreciate the openess and am not left wondering or filling in the gaps incorrectly and if other women confide in him over lunch or anywhere, I feel honoured that women feel they get something of value from him. I have no qualms whom he talks to and what it is about, he is a free willing person and so am I. Incase you are wondering, we are not in an open relationship. Hell, chat and posting with other women/men, isn't that the same deal as so called risque lunches? We are all just people, some of us just have boobs.

You do get more confident in your relationship as time goes on and if you happen to be able to live in the same country! Female friendships are a thing to treasure and I certainly adore my male friends. At the end of the day it is about what sits well between a couple and that is a complex thing, just like a relationship - but if you love someone, set them free to enjoy life within bounds of respect, trust and what so ever other glue keeps you together (little tip - alcohol is the lousiest glue - worse than lunches with women).

Anyhow that was my $6000 worth - Hundi

[hablur]

Discussing old girlfriends

Paddy! Seriously bud DO NOT discuss past girlfriends. No matter how the topic starts it will always end badly. Also, it is a respect issue. I certainly don't want to know about my wife's past loves. Basically if something gets asked stick only to the facts.

[Ripley]

Discussing old girlfriends

Hi Paddy

I'm kinda with Mar & Hundi - not bothered in the least about female collegues and lunchy stuff, and would actually really like it if my bloke had girl friends who trusted him and talked to him this way.

However, past intimate relationships... not really something I'd want to hear MASSES about unless there was a valid reason for it (eg if I'd asked!) I think it's a bit creepy to stay really close friends with an ex, and pretty bad manners to the new girlie.

Long distance relationships are tough - the distance distorts the perspective on things. She probably just misses you to bits.

Kate

Damn, you are one nice guy. Do you have a brother?

[Paddy]

Discussing old girlfriends

Hiya Kate,

I did have a twin brother, but he passed away ...

But hey, thanks you guys for the advice. I feel for my female colleagues who are stuck here in Vietnam. After all they are in a minority. Their Vietnamese girlfriends are all married. They are Western women, and there are things they cannot talk about with their local (Asian) girlfriends. As to relationships, well they can talk to me about, I'm not a threat, as I'm already off the market, bla bla bla ... and so it goes ...

It's not so easy as that. In any case, for me there's a simple rule, none of these conversations are the rule. And if they take place, once in a blue moon, I make sure they take place in a public place, just in case ...

[Beaches]

Discussing old girlfriends

Paddy, you rule and you are a very smart fella!

[gabby]

Discussing old girlfriends

Yep, yep, and yep! I tend to be wishy washy and agree to much of the above. But mostly I am with the Mar, Hundi and Ripley's of the group. My boyfriend has had a huge past full of lovers. This does NOT intimadate me at all. In fact I feel I am the lucky one that gets to benefit from all of his experience. lol (And yes he tests negative to HIV....I made sure. Hee hee) But like hundi....I am fascinated about his stories. And I DO ask. He isn't a bragger - I am the curious one. (usually about anything and everything no matter the subject - just like life stories) Like DX said....I know those expierences are what built up and lead the path of choice to me. Thats part of the fascination.

Anyway...enough of that.

What I do think about your situation is....listen to yourself. Its fun to see what we all think and can give you different insights...but your the one that really knows according to the way your fiance is reacting to you in your conversations. And something huge to consider is....are her reactions something you can live with for the rest of your life???
Cuz honey.....they aint gonna change! Infact they are only gonna get worse. So think of this as a red flag if you will.

When I really look back and analyze the negatives in my marriage and think, "if only I knew things were gonna go sour like they did and had some signs" Really....I did have signs....I just didn't look at them. Either I was blind or didn't want to see it.....I'm not sure which.

So its not just what your doing.....but their reaction to what is done.

I'm not picking on this exact subject but its something to think about.

Anyway.....bye.

[Paddy]

Discussing old girlfriends

Thanks so much for that. Well, at least the 'past full of lover bits' I don't have to worry about. And neither the HIV bit. And my fianc?e knows that, so she's quite happy about that. I guess she's more worried about losing me, but that's partly due to the fact that her former husband had been cheating on her for 12 years. So, I gotta understand that. Once we actually move in together, I'm sure she'll be ok. As I think Beaches mentioned, at this stage we're separated by distance, she will of course be worried. That's just natural.

[Popeye]

Discussing old girlfriends

Soory Paddy, I can't help much. I met Susan when I was 16 and she was 14, and we got married when I was 20, so we've no real ex'es to talk about. However, I can only imagine the pit-falls of making any comparisons.

[satori]

Discussing old girlfriends

Paddy,

I'm with the others on here who advised only disclosing the facts if asked directly. And I would also stick to the bare (no pun intended! ) minimum of information needed to answer the question truthfully.

To do otherwise would not be respectful.

Satori

[Guest]

Discussing old girlfriends

Too much information is never a good thing. It all depends on the woman, if she is having security issues why leave her mind to wander. You'll just cause her extra stress and worry.

I agree with Rocky and Tawny..sit on it my friend.

[Saint Jude]

Discussing old girlfriends

Definately sit on it... and whenever possible, LET HER do the same :H :goodjob: (if ya know what I mean!)

[dilayne]

Discussing old girlfriends

Paddy..it's a good question. I've been married 17 years and the other night in the bathtub with my husband, I made the mistake of saying "...my husband's'..."...I was talking about how being married effected something or other..and this included my first husband...I saw his heart sink. It really hurt him to be grouped with another man, much less another husband. I could have phrased it differently.... anyway, I know I really don't want to talk to him about old lovers anymore than necessary. When we first got married we pretty much agreed to how we would handle it/them...we agreed not to see any of them socially...no reason and no need. My point is that it is a good thing to make a mutual decision about how you, as a couple will handle it...unless she has no past life at all, she will probably wonder how to handle the same thing. It's whatever you both agree will work in your relationship. I personally wouldn't be Ok with my husband having lunch with any old girlfriends...I don't mind lunch with female clients when business is involved, but we are both a little old fashioned and unless there is business to discuss, we don't mix much. there are a lot of decisions that have to be made 'for the relationship' that may be a stretch for one or the other..in this case, how she feels about it should be considered..and how would you know unless you asked?

[beatle]

Discussing old girlfriends

Hey sorry to invade the guys' camp but just found out about it and couldn't resist poking around.

I'm definitely agree with the minority here-- i.e. Mar Hundi & Ripley. I LOVE to hear about my guy's past relationships. I used to bug him about it a lot but he is the titghtlipped type and it frustrated me so much. At least I got the hint early on that he did NOT have any interest in hearing about my former relationships and I have respected that, hard as it is because I really like talking about them (and, of course pointing out how terribly inferior they all were to him).

The obvious conclusion is that everyone is different and you have to take the cues from each other about what is best for you two. Also, extreme tact is always called for.

btw, one of my closest friends is a former girlfriend of my husband's. People think this is weird (especially my mother-in-law) but we are just a lot alike (not surprisingly) and have a lot in common (other than taste in men, lol) but have very different personalities, which makes my husband and me clearly better suited for each other. A funny add-on: her son and our daughter are the same age and are best friends.

[Pebbles]

Discussing old girlfriends

NO.

Just don't even go there.

My current partner is now my ex husbands best friend...but wouldn't be if I had ever talked about anything. So I don't and I won't, ever, which given my drinking history is a miracle.

And I don't want to know about his past girlfriends either, what for ? what good would it do for our relationship ?

[Ripley]

Discussing old girlfriends

woo, Pebbles, that is tough, your ex husband's new BF

bloody hope that doesn't hapen to me! haha!

Rip x