Here we go again

[Stevo]

G'day to all of the Here we go again crew,
Just dropping in quickly to say g'day and have a bit of a read.

Tonight is the first Friday night that I haven't had a drink since doing the drinking experiment as it is my sons first club soccer game tomorrow and I thought that it would probably be a good idea to be there without a hangover ha.
It is funny even though it hasn't been a struggle for me to spend the night AF,part of me seems to have gotten used to having a few on a Friday night and it niggled me a bit that I had to remain abstinent tonight.I know that if I wanted to I could have just had a couple and stopped but I felt that it would be better to not have any at all.The uncomfortable feeling that I have spoken about before would be there tomorrow whether I had a hangover or not,it seems to accompany me post drinking regardless of the amount.

It is an early start and I thought that I would drop by before heading to bed,which is what I am going to do right now.

As always it was great to read the new posts and I wish you all well until next time.

Cheers Stevo.

[kronkcarr]

Hi, Lis and Stuck, congratulations on getting the job. Steveo, congratulations on being debt free.

Lis, I don't think it's normal to be so obsessive about what you've done. What's your psychiatrist say? If it's normal it's still uncomfortable. I used to play conversations over in my head before and after they happened to "get them right". I had no idea others didn't do that until I asked. So I think it's good you asked us.

All is well with me. I'm running and hiking and work's slowing down. My son's having 3 friends over tonight and we're celebrating one of their birthdays. Happy weekend to all.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for that, Sam. I’d like to find that thread. It would probably make me feel a whole lot better, especially given that I’ve been a repeat offender in that regard (posting while drinking). The only reason I no longer delete the posts that I’m embarrassed about is because I figure that by the time I reread them, all the regulars have already read what I wrote anyway :P

Stevo - That’s excellent news that you’re just “niggled” a bit over not drinking tonight (is niggled a commonly used word in Australia? I looked it up, even though I got the gist of it from what you were saying). Anyway, it sounds similar to the mild annoyance I feel when I realize that I can’t just read whatever I want, or watch TV, because I’m reading up for my new job. There’s no compulsion there, it’s just a little annoying that you can’t do what you habitually do. That’s so awesome that that’s where you are with drinking!! I hope you have fun at your son’s soccer game.

kronk - Thank you for your input. I also do that thing of replaying conversations before and after they happen an unbelievable number of times. Only for me, I play them in my head beforehand to get them right, then I play them in my head afterwards incessantly to worry about every possible scenario (how did they interpret that part? What about that part? Was my tone of voice/facial expression off? Why did I phrase it that way? Why didn’t I say this, instead of that? Stupid, stupid, stupid). My psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s normal, either.

He has decided to try me on a new medication (ativan, only because I’ve had horrific, terribly mood-altering, anxiety-heightening side effects from every single antidepressant I’ve ever tried, either with him, or in years past). I’m not sure if I’m gonna take it or not. I already take xanax, as needed, for panic attacks (the ativan would replace that). But that’s a once every three or four days kind of thing that I have a full-on panic attack. I really don’t want to become dependent on a benzo. I wish that exercise and meditation actually worked for me for longer than the time that I’m actually practicing them. It seems that as soon as the exercise/meditation session is over, I go right back to being completely neurotic. And I’ve tried various CBT techniques that I’ve read about, including “reality checking.” They don’t work. “Is this fear really justified?” Of course it is! Why the hell would I be freaking out about it if it weren’t a valid fear? It’s so frustrating, and I don’t know what to do.

Anyway, the workweek is over and, for the first time in three weeks, I don’t have to work this weekend. That means I’ll never have to work another weekend at this crappy job ever again because my last day is next Friday Tonight, I’m just gonna go outside on the deck, on this gorgeous day, with some articles to read up on. I’ll also try to build up an appetite at some point (I tend to lose my appetite when it’s atrociously/unseasonably hot. Can you believe it’s 88 degrees right now in upstate New York? In May?! What is going on with this weather? We just had the coldest winter in decades, followed by high summer temperatures in May. Ugh!). I did drink a bit after work, but less than usual, and I can’t go get more because my Intoxalock won’t let me - ha!

Anyway, I hope you guys all have a great night!

EDIT: I just wanna say that after thinking about, and rereading, this post a bit later, I am enthralled by what bac has done for me! In the past, if I had drank this little (5 shots - with no promise of getting anything more for the WHOLE night) I would have done anything possible to make a believable excuse to my husband to get back into town (to the liquor store). I would’ve talked about how beautiful the weather is, and how I feel like walking into town (as opposed to walking around our neighborhood), because I might want to pick up something at the grocery store along the way. Then, I would’ve either called him, or a cab, to take me home (on the very long four mile UPHILL journey home). Or, I would've walked it myself (while drinking along the way to ease the burden)! I've done it many, many times when desperate. I couldn’t care less about buying more booze right now. So, for anyone who questions if bac has worked for me or not - YES! It most certainly has. I still have work to do, but I’m on my way. This new job will help I have no doubt, as will more (and more potent) bac. Good night all!

[kronkcarr]

kronk - Thank you for your input. I also do that thing of replaying conversations before and after they happen an unbelievable number of times. Only for me, I play them in my head beforehand to get them right, then I play them in my head afterwards incessantly to worry about every possible scenario (how did they interpret that part? What about that part? Was my tone of voice/facial expression off? Why did I phrase it that way? Why didn’t I say this, instead of that? Stupid, stupid, stupid). My psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s normal, either.

... I wish that exercise and meditation actually worked for me for longer than the time that I’m actually practicing them. It seems that as soon as the exercise/meditation session is over, I go right back to being completely neurotic. And I’ve tried various CBT techniques that I’ve read about, including “reality checking.” They don’t work. “Is this fear really justified?” Of course it is! Why the hell would I be freaking out about it if it weren’t a valid fear? It’s so frustrating, and I don’t know what to do.!

Yes, I said that I rehearsed conversations beforehand. I had difficulties asking my ex to do simple things differently. He was very sensitive and felt he was judged. I spent/wasted many hours figuring out how to ask things like: Would you wash my sharp knives after you use them? Would you please not feed the dog table scraps? On and on. I was miserable.

Do you exercise on some sort of a schedule. I need to maintain some kind of schedule to continue to feel good from exercise. I love how I feel so it's incentive to not even have 1 or 2 glasses of wine because I want to feel good the next day. Like you said--baclofen has been good to me too.

When you do CBT and ask "Is my thought true, false or I don't know?" if you don't know if it's true do you still really believe your fear is rational and justified? That must be awful.

[Spiritfree]

Yes, I said that I rehearsed conversations beforehand. I had difficulties asking my ex to do simple things differently. He was very sensitive and felt he was judged. I spent/wasted many hours figuring out how to ask things like: Would you wash my sharp knives after you use them? Would you please not feed the dog table scraps? On and on. I was miserable.

Kronk - I can now understand why he is your ex. Sorry that you had to undergo such painstaking difficulties.

[Lostinspace]

kronk - I’m sorry your ex made you feel that way. He sounds a lot like my ex-husband - very overly sensitive and always feeling judged. I’m glad you got out! To answer your question, I actually don’t keep a very regular exercise schedule anymore. Recently I’ve opted to forego the gym and take my exercise outside, since it’s so beautiful out, and it stays light late enough that I can get to it whenever I feel up to it. But with that change, I’ve gotten out of a routine. I go out to walk (as fast as I can up the intensely steep hill that I live on, so it is real exercise, even though it’s just walking) whenever I feel ready to take a break from my reading. Probably not the best way to exercise.

But on the other hand, when I force myself to exercise first thing after work (before doing any reading), I no longer enjoy it, and I spend the whole time worrying about all the time I’m wasting - even though I’ll be “wasting” the same time by going for a walk later. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s tough to break out of that thinking. I do need to get back into a routine. I’ve stopped running altogether, since I no longer want to be inside on a treadmill, and it feels way too hot recently to do it outside. I guess this coming week I’ll try changing into workout clothes before I leave work, then hit the (level) trails downtown on my way home. You live in Florida, right? I guess if you can run down there, then I should stop my whining about running in this heat :P

And yes, when I do CBT, I often do think that my fear is still rational and justified. I wish that my insurance plan covered therapy. Maybe it would help to talk these things out with another person. I don’t know. I try to talk about my fears with my husband to see if there’s really something to worry about, since I often can’t tell the difference, but he just yells at me for worrying all the time, and tells me that I’m being annoying. That doesn’t help. Besides the fact that I don’t like people snapping at me, he doesn’t worry about much of anything, even things that, at least in my mind, he really should worry about, so I can’t trust his opinion anyway.

Well, that’s more than enough rambling out of me. I didn’t accomplish anywhere near as much as I wanted to yesterday. I went for a long walk at a local park to get a mental break from all the reading, then came home, drank a bit (not that much, either), and proceeded to fall asleep for a three hour nap! I was so groggy the rest of the night that I could barely focus. This past week has exhausted me. I got a lot more reading done today, and with zero drinking. Anyway, I hope you’re all having a good one!

[Stevo]

G'day to all,
Just dropping in to say a quick hello.
Not much really going on in my world and I noticed that there hasn't been a lot of activity in here either.
Hoping everyone is well and am curious about how things are going for you on the new job front LIS.

Take care and hope to be reading a few posts and finding something worthy in my life to post soon.

Cheers Stevo.

[StuckinLA]

Hi everyone! I also noticed there's not a lot happening on the thread. Things have been up and down here - they were going up, I thought, and then yesterday they went right back down again. I can't really explain, least of all to myself, why my alcohol withdrawal seems to be in remission. I go out, I get drunk, and then the next morning I am not shaky or panicked and my heart is not racing and I'm not even all that hungover. And I don't normally, these days at least, feel the need to start drinking early in the day.

Not to say there aren't nights that I go over the top, and the girl is pretty cold these days and she is going to al-anon. Not regularly, but more than just the one meeting she went to the other week.

I won't be around much the next couple days - my folks will be in town for my graduation ceremony, which is tomorrow. Hope y'all are having a good one.

[treetops]

Congratulations Stuck on the graduation. That's a great achievement. Hope the graduation ordeal is actually lots of fun.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - Hello to you, too. Not having a lot going on is usually a good thing. And feel free to post whatever. It doesn’t have to be earth-shattering. I’d hardly say that most of what I write constitutes a “worthy” post.

Stuck - Congratulations on the upcoming graduation! That must feel so good to be officially at that point with your program. I’m not sure how I would even begin to venture a guess as to why your alcohol withdrawal doesn’t plague you like it used to, but that’s great to hear. I’m sorry that you and your girlfriend are still having problems, but at least it’s up and down, and not steadily down. Plus, I think the fact that she’s going to al-anon shows, at the very least, that she’s still very serious about wanting your relationship to work. I hope you have a good time with your folks and at the graduation ceremony

I’ve been plodding along in getting ready for my next job, which I begin on Monday. This Monday, I finally got a response to my e-mail requesting more information on their current projects, to help bring me up to speed. He sent me seven documents, each ranging from seven to 117 pages!! I’m almost halfway through them at this point, and hope to be finished by the end of Friday night, so that I can spend the weekend reviewing them before I start on Monday. I want to walk in on my first day and look like I really know my sh*t. Another good thing is that, since I need full concentration to fully comprehend these highly technical scientific documents and articles, I’ve managed to stay AF since Saturday Here’s to hoping this dry spell keeps up indefinitely. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[Samandkatharine]

Congratulations Stuck!

Sam

[MeJustMe]

Hi everyone, hope all is well with you.

I'm still on 85mg Bac a day, and have not had any AL.

On mother's day last Sunday my wife said she wanted to leave me. That was not expected...

I was in a state because I had to file a story for the following day, plus research for a work trip the following day - the biggest, most important job I'd done for a client. So when I only stayed for 45min at a picnic she'd organised with friends, she hit the roof. I get I was being a jerk, but I thought the response was... well, I did not expect it.

So I went to my job on Monday/Tues no knowing if I had a marriage to come back to.

As it turned out, she later said she wasn't sure it was about me... Anyway, it seems to have resolved itself, but she and I need to talk properly about what happened. In 13 yeas of marriage we've had our differences, but nothing like that.

Anyway, other than that, I seemed to have saved the terrible job I did when I was away, the company gave me a pile of work to do the last few days as they were not able to do it. I punched out 8 stories in two days, I think they were happy with what I'd done. I'd redeemed myself.

I have noticed that the sense of peace I had on Bac has gone, although I have not been interested in AL. Even when away, there was free booze everywhere. I did look at a bottle of wine in my room, and in a detached way thought to myself, ' that's the last thing you need'.

I might go up from the 85mg, I'll see.

[Lostinspace]

MJM - It seems to me that the lack of peace from baclofen could just be due to stress. You had quite a lot on your plate. That’s really great, though, that even on your work trip you didn’t want to drink while surrounded by booze (and while worrying about your marriage, and trying to redeem yourself at your job at the same time!). I’m sorry you had that unfortunate blowup with your wife. I’m glad she’s changed her tune, but that’s got to be a shocking blow. I hope you feel that there’s a good resolution to it when you talk it out.

As for me, I’m still reading like crazy, and at this point, starting to feel extremely anxious about my first day. I just don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how high their expectations of me are, or if I can meet them. I guess all I can do is show up and see (and try not to have a panic attack). Outside of that, I did drink a little bit on Thursday, but nothing else since last Saturday, so I essentially have a week AF at this point (I won’t count that little blip on Thursday night). Anyway, happy Saturday everyone!

[kronkcarr]

Mjm, I had that feeling of peace too. It was a feeling of the world slowing down or me slowing down. I noticed the hawks in the sky, the butterflies and all sorts of things. I had lots of insights and figured lots out. This lasted a few months and it disappeared and hasn't returned in almost 2 1/2 years. ��

[Spiritfree]

I have noticed that the sense of peace I had on Bac has gone, although I have not been interested in AL. Even when away, there was free booze everywhere. I did look at a bottle of wine in my room, and in a detached way thought to myself, ' that's the last thing you need'.

I might go up from the 85mg, I'll see.

Hi MJM - It is my opinion that once we put the plug in the jug for a while, and stay there just a little while, we all experience a form of peace that we have not experienced in awhile. I just don't think that it is the baclofen that brings us this sense of peace. After experiencing a bit of solitude as a direct result of not drinking, life can once again appear to be hectic and boring. It is my experience that baclofen itself does not change this -unfortunately. For me, baclofen gave me the time and ability to get out and find 'new' or better interest. Baclofen does not change the thought habit of 'drinking' in order to make things more exciting.