Newbies Nest

[Mulburry]

Re: Newbies Nest

Its hard sometimes because I have zero issue being around alcohol but my loved one think Ill relapse. It was all drama when once at a restaurant I ordered a fake beer ( I need a change up from soda water or soft drinks) and the waiter brought a real one. One sip and I quickly caught on but my poor wife thought I'd be guzzling a fifth by the end of the night.

It's such a ridiculous stereotype isn't it? Now I'm not saying it may not apply to some people, but the idea that a mere sip, or even the sight of Al, will set anyone that's had a problem with Al onto a week long binge is a bit ludicrous; I feel like it's something that's probably perpetuated in media and maybe by the recovery industry as well. I've intentionally abstained but I'm pretty close to 100% sure I could have a few sips of (or even a whole) beer and be fine. I do appreciate people not pressuring me or shoving it in my face (like ScotStev's buddies) but I find the "OMG alcholic coming, hide your drinks" mentality irritating and a bit disrespectful to be honest. I suppose in the end communication is the most important, if you don't want people drinking around you let them know, if you don't mind also let them know.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS - hope you have a wonderful trip to visit family.

Neva - I'm so glad you shared your online poker addiction with us. That took courage, and it has opened the door for others to share more as well. This is a safe place for sure and we've all got each other's backs.

Kensho - grateful for your sharing as well. Congrats on not logging in so far in 2023. I would say most things *do* work out ok, but definitely some do not. Or at least they don't work out in a way we would choose or that we can see in a positive light. Back to a convo thread here in the nest a couple of months ago -- you get more of what you look for, which means even when things DON'T turn out well at all, there is still good in there, and we see/benefit from that much more if we actively seek to find it. I think.

Lav - I'm curious about the Japanese Psychology/Thirty Thousand Days. Thanks for sharing the link!

Hellos and waves everyone!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Newbies Nest

As always, there’s too much to respond to, in my small world. But sending support and love to all.

Lav, we have the perfect suburban yard for chickens! And bees! But my husband is allergic to bees. And my dog would enjoy chicken nuggets. (Actually, she wouldn’t eat them, unlike prior dogs. But she would harass them to death.) More importantly, I’ve got to be able to keep my houseplants, gardens, dog, husband and myself alive for a year before I take on any new living things. We learned that from Sandra bullock in 28 Days. Haha

I don’t gamble. I would LOVE to gamble, I think. So I’ve never done it. The site I play poker on is more of a game than actually gambling. There is literally nothing to win, except fake money in the form of chips, and status or rank. I’m ashamed of how much time I spend on there, so I change my username and avatar frequently. Those of us who “know” each other do it all the time. But there is literally nothing to be gained from playing on this app. I’d never play for real money. I just buy more chips when I want to level up.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings Nesters,

We had a really nice sunny day, not too cold either. Now I’m dreaming of Spring flowers

Ne, we are extremely grateful for our chickens right now! Of course the cost of their feed has gone up like everything else but it’s still so nice having plenty of fresh eggs. An Amish family near us lost their entire flock a few weeks ago due to some predator so they’ve been buying eggs from us. What a twist, haha!! By the way, I am too cheap to do any gambling at all. We’re not all that far from some casinos in neighboring states but I’ve just never been interested. Can you do any gardening or get a few chickens to keep you occupied?

Battle, Congrats on your 1+ AF week, well done. Having a little extra cash is a good thing, maybe save for something nice for yourself.

NS, enjoy your trip! I gave up most caffeine years ago to help with sleep & BP issues & don’t think it helped me much Either.

Kensho, I know a lot of people who go to psychics, never understood why but it makes them happy. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that everything’s going to be OK & having someone tell you that helps. We all need positive people in our lives. Have you ever looked into Japanese psychology? I ran across it while I was looking for some help for my great nephew years ago. It’s worth taking a look & may help you rethink your addictions: The Four Skills of Japanese Psychology - Thirty Thousand Days

TJ, since I quit drinking I’ve noticed my family is drinking a whole lot less & I’m OK with that for their health & welfare. I don’t get the feeling that they worry about me but who knows?

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!
Lav

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Newbies Nest

Congratulations, Battle! That's a huge accomplishment. Very happy for you.

Oh you peeps. You make my heart smile. I couldn't believe I posted that about my online poker addiction. I waste HOURS. And yes, NS, you're so right. It's exactly because they're designed to do exactly what they do... suck you into the vortex, and then make you feel like you need to spend money just to get "good". (A lot like I imagine the psychics work, honestly. Not that I know, and I also believe some people have connections we don't understand. But the systems in which they work are set up to suck people in. It's awesome, K, that you haven't used it this year. Hope you're giving yourself huge kudos for that.)

Not only am I lousy at online poker, I'm VERY clear that I would suck at actual poker. I'm not even interested in it. I tried to watch a tournament and it was almost as bad as watching golf. lol
The online game is just helpful to stay numb, which is really why it's an addiction. It's not the money or the time, necessarily, though those play a part of course. It's the fact that I use it to avoid life.

Lav, I swore I wouldn't go back to it, and would certainly never spend another dime buying in, after I got out of rehab. The opposite happened. I spent money we didn't have (hello, cost of rehab in the US!) and way more than before. I haven't bought anything since... I dunno, and I don't want to lie, even to myself. But it's been a while. It goes to a credit card we don't use, and my husband doesn't see... talk about addictive behavior!

I saw a funny joke on FB, which I haven't been on in close to a decade, probably, but now insomnia... and I don't want to just continue to gush all over MWO. So I lurked on there for hours for the last two nights. Anyway, the joke. A picture of beautiful multicolored eggs, with the caption, "I'll sell my eggs for a 2015 or newer Jeep. Don't low-ball me, I know what these eggs are worth." Made me think of you. And the prices make me want to get chickens.

I'm so grateful not to be figuring out how to get my fix everyday without anyone knowing. What an exhausting and soul-crushing way to live that was.

Amen. Dealing with the disease and/or recovery is exhausting enough. Being in hiding, again, is absolutely soul crushing. Thank you all for being here so I'm not alone.

[Battle_for_the_sun]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening all,

Quick one from me I'll catch up more tomorrow hopefully. I passed a week sober without even realising the date. Been busy studying, picked up a second job, just a small role on an as-and-when basis advising my uni on some inclusivity issues, some extra cash and I get to make a difference for other students from disadvantaged/underrepresented backgrounds. Expecting some news tomorrow, but lecturers are on strike which makes it uncertain, a lot of stress, but nothing to be done about it.

Waves to all.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho, I didn't know that online service was available but I can see how a person could get sucked into it. We like encouragement and reassurance and feeling better!! But like you said, there are other better (and cheaper!) ways to get that. And a friend that you call would care about YOU, not your money.

When I went to a counselor last fall I really enjoyed it and was kind of bummed when she said she thought we were done. But it also occurred to me that I hadn't said anything to her that I couldn't say to a friend. And she didn't offer solutions - just listened and affirmed my feelings. Friends can do that for each other when problems aren't so complicated that professional help is necessary. But I could see that if she were a different more money-focused person, she likely could have convinced me that I needed to meet with her indefinitely which would have been at substantial cost to me once the insurance ran out. I can imagine that under certain conditions therapy could become an addiction, too.

Good point about donating, Lav. I did that with some scarves and cowls that I found I wasn't wearing but it was kind of hard to let go of cashmere, merino, and alpaca pieces!! I had to detach from the money I had tied up it them and realize that the process, and the pleasure of working with those fibers, was enough.

I'm still hanging on to my 50% caffeine coffee addiction. If my 2 week period of abstinence had improved my sleep or negatively affected my heart rate, I would have stayed off it but neither happened and I missed it!

We're heading off to visit family for a few days. They don't drink at all. I'm so grateful not to be figuring out how to get my fix everyday without anyone knowing. What an exhausting and soul-crushing way to live that was.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

NE/Neva Eva - thank you so much for being open and honest, for trusting us enough and valuing yourself enough to be so open. As NS so wisely said, online poker, like so many other things, IS intentionally designed to lure people in and keep them coming back. Hopefully you can use some of the same tools that helped you stop drinking if you want to go sober on poker as well :hug:

Battle - sounds like a fantastic positive adjustment in your schedule. Anything that improves work-life balance is a win I would say.

Hellos and waves to Lav, NS, Kensho and everyone else in the nest. Here we are at hump day again!

[TJAF]

Re: Newbies Nest

Battle, while I detoxed in secret, when I wanted to cement the deal I opened up to my loved ones. Once I took that step there wss no turning back. Do I regret that, not in the least. I had to get past the betrayal (my wife was hurt that I drank in secret, her dad was an alcoholic so it cut deep). Its hard sometimes because I have zero issue being around alcohol but my loved one think Ill relapse. It was all drama when once at a restaurant I ordered a fake beer ( I need a change up from soda water or soft drinks) and the waiter brought a real one. One sip and I quickly caught on but my poor wife thought I'd be guzzling a fifth by the end of the night. Its that trust thing I suppose. As for me, I really have no interest in drinking.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thank you all. I love the support and the wisdom here. :hug:

While I'd love to write a novel, I'm gonna lurk for a bit again.

Kensho, good on you. And for goodness sakes, if I believed for half a minute that someone could tell me it would be okay, I'd pay for it.

Oh. Wait. That's what my therapist does. lololol

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Evabody. Thanks for your supportive words with other addictions.
[MENTION=12976]Ne/Neva Eva[/MENTION] ! Thank you for sharing - and for cracking me up about not even being good at poker

My other addiction is online psychics (hard to say it out loud). I do believe in psychic abilities, and they have actually provided some really impressive and highly accurate information to me. The trouble is that I go online when I feel really terrible so they can calm me down - because they rarely tell me anything other than "it's all going to work out". This struck me as 1. impossible (that everything works out perfectly) and 2. addictive because I use it to feel better. SO instead, I tell myself what I think they'd tell me, remember all the times they were wrong, think of all the money I'm saving, and try to appreciate living life without knowing the outcome first. I am using other coping methods - like meditation, and calling a friend (novel concept). I have gone months without logging on with a psychic - but have also connected several times a month, which has added up to thousands a year before. What a waste! It struck me that it felt like I was really losing a comfort when I decided to stop - JUST LIKE I FELT WITH QUITTING ALCOHOL. Feels like a hole, until it is filled with better coping strategies. No logins so far in 2023. I guess I've bared my soul now Thanks for giving me the courage NEVA EVA! And thanks Wags and NS for being supportive.

Caffeine on the other hand... that is an addiction I may keep

Hi TJAF!

Battle... sorry you're feeling the ups and downs. I've been having a similar mood experience this week - not sure why. It's common to feel a bit raw and uneven when you quit substances - and maybe it has something to do with a never ending winter - but moods really do even out more with sober time. I'm also sorry you're struggling with dysphoria. I wish I could give you a big hug! Let us know how we can support you :heartbeat:

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings Nesters,

In my view, harmless addictions are just that, harmless. I don’t think we need to beat ourselves up. Anything that harms us or another is a different story. If we focus on getting rid of those addictions I kind of think everything else will fall into place.

NS, you love to knit & you can always donate your items. I sew dog beds & donate them to rescues. No harm done

Battle, I’m glad to hear things are settling for you. It’s so nice when WE are actually in charge of our lives, not some substance. Keep up the good work.

Wags, sounds like you are busy, nothing wrong with that

Ne, have you tried setting a limit on the amount you can gamble? That would be like trying to moderate your drinking & I think the majority of us have proven that’s just too hard to do. Time to find a completely new hobby. It’s never too late to try something new!

TJ, the memories we have of the old quitting days are enough to keep me AF, probably the same for you

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!
Lav

[Battle_for_the_sun]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening all,

Made some changes to my work routine that are thus far paying off massively in terms of work/life balance and general quality of life, its only been a week but I'm finding myself way less triggered to use at work, I do shorter days on campus and then a long day working from home, I don't get bored, don't get overwhelmed, and I can keep a stable sleep pattern. Fingers crossed it continues as it's a huge positive change for me.

Mulburry - I'm glad it's not just me, I'm dyspraxic and got bullied a lot, mostly by my family, for being clumsy and dropping/breaking things, it's definitely made my reaction to that kind of thing more intense than it probably should be, something for me to work on but figure I should probably finish dealing with the whole drugs and alcohol situation first haha.

TJ - I'm detoxing in secret as well, save this forum, thanks for sharing your take on things, it helps to have other people's experiences as I mentioned to somebody else on the forum I am forever convincing myself I am doing sobriety 'wrong', its always a relief to find others who have similar experiences (I did at one stage find myself side-eyeing the mouthwash for the alcohol content - turned out its alcohol free so the fleeting temptation was thankfully a moot point haha). Water is something I need to work on, right now if it doesn't contain caffeine I struggle to be interested - think that's the one addiction I'll keep though, everybody has a vice right?

Ne - NS is 100% right (as is so often the case)

NS - I can relate to the idea of thoughts being addictive, I know I get caught in those patterns sometimes. I think my 'new' addiction, or really more of a recurring one is my studies, I actually read an interesting article on the concept of study addiction as part of my project and ticked all of the boxes - but its by far the least harmful of my bad habits so I figure, like caffeine, I'll let it slide - least until the PhD is done.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest

Frankly, I think most people carry addictions, including to their own thinking! I'm not sure I'll ever make it all the way past that one since we obviously can't fully refrain from thinking like we can from alcohol, but I've gotten much better as I've come to realize like you described, Mulberry, that our thoughts and the feelings they cause always subside, especially if we don't focus on them or add fuel to the fire. I used to make up huge stories about what other people were thinking (usually starring me as the victim) and it really didn't occur to me that nothing I was thinking was necessarily true. So often I found out later what was really going on with the person and it rarely had anything to do with me. All that angst and worry for nothing. It still happens but I'm usually able to step back and see what is happening before it gets out of control

Ne, those online games are designed to be addictive. The developers are experts in human psychology and use their skills to ensnare people. Actually, the whole online experience is addictive! I see it in myself when I mindlessly scroll through social media and don't stop even when I tell myself I should. I started knitting in 2016 (in response to being so agitated by the US political situation that I was addicted to news TV). Now I'm addicted to doing that. I appreciate that there is no harsh judgement on knitting but it can become very expensive and I have to stop myself (sometimes unsuccessfully) from buying yarn I don't need. But that more, more, more urge always is there. Anyway, I hope you can get past online gaming since doing it is causing you pain but I hope you can let go of feeling bad about yourself :hug:

NS

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Quick check-in for me tonight. Doing well and feeling grateful.

I should be able to do a longer post tomorrow, but for now I'm thinking about you all and hoping weeks are off to great starts all the way around.